


on being swallowed by the whale

by arukana



Series: livyatan melvillei [1]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Royalty, Dishonored AU, First Time, M/M, Magical Elements, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:48:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 68,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21664705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arukana/pseuds/arukana
Summary: The Phantom Thieves have taken the Crown Prince's Royal Protector, Sae Niijima, leaving only a calling card in their wake. The Emperor and his son have publicly vowed to bring them to justice, but first, Goro needs a new Protector.
Relationships: Akechi Goro/Amamiya Ren, Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist
Series: livyatan melvillei [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1767127
Comments: 164
Kudos: 467





	1. Chapter 1

“Listen to me when I’m talking to you!”

Actually, Goro’s trying his very best not to. To tune him out completely and act like he’s somewhere else, _anywhere_ else, really. Perhaps on a warm Serkonan beach, with the smell of saltwater in his nose and the sun burning his cheeks. Noise of the crowds on the cobbled streets, talking about everything and nothing, discussing the disappearance of the beloved Crown Prince. Or maybe he’s in a world where the Crown Prince doesn’t exist, nothing but a childish nightmare he’s glad to wake up from. Where Goro’s just a commoner like everyone else and he’s happy.

He thinks he’d probably settle for a Tyvian forest at this point; snow-covered and thick, the type that requires all of your energy just to move ten feet forward. Not a house in sight, completely and utterly alone in the silence of it all. Where there’s nothing but wind rustling through the trees and the crunch of his feet through fresh snow.

“Sorry, father.”

The words bring him back to Dunwall Tower, colossal and stifling. A perfect home for his father but not for him. It’s never really felt like a home to Goro, more a place in which he is unfortunately living; it’s always been too cold, too bare, too unwelcoming.

People say that it had been welcoming once. Before the plague, before his mother had died, before he was even born. Sometime before his father, back when his grandfather had still been Emperor. When flowers had bloomed in the gardens, colour had painted the walls, and genuine smiles had adorned the faces of the staff. They’d let anyone inside the palace back then, and Goro is old enough to remember the feeling that seeing a new face everyday had brought, before the plague, before people declared that feeling dangerous.

“If you cannot focus past your pathetic emotions for even a second, you will never be fit to be Emperor.”

Goro thinks that wouldn’t be so bad.

“I understand, sir. It’s just been a… hard few days.”

“And you think it hasn’t been the same for me?”

No. No, he doesn’t.

Shido keeps talking, “You’re not the only one affected by this tragedy. I have been grieving too, but I have the good sense to leave it out of professional matters. That woman was important to me, or did you forget?”

Goro must have. He doesn’t remember them having a single conversation where she was treated with respect. Even now, he refuses to call her by name.

“Of course. I’m simply trying to adjust to her not being here. Sae was my Protector, after all.”

He _misses_ her. Why is that such a crime that he can’t even confess it to his own father?

“And we’ll find you a new one. Tomorrow morning, after breakfast, I expect you here to discuss options with me.”

Goro feels himself floating off again, back to his blistering hot beach. Somewhere where he doesn’t have any responsibilities, where he doesn’t know what the word _‘duty’_ means. He thinks about waking up with balcony doors open, thin curtains blowing in the wind, the sun already high in the sky. Maybe there’s a body next to him in the bed, with limbs tangled together and not for lack of space, but for intimacy and love and tenderness. Goro smells like someone else - pomegranate and sugar or coconut and caramel and not clean linens and glowing plague elixir. Fuck, _anything_ but clean linens.

His feet make dull thuds against the laminate wood, walking not like royalty, walking with a hunch to his spine, heaviness in his footsteps. The sun seeping in through the open windows and doors has heated the planks beneath his feet by now, everything feels like warmth, somehow cosy within an apartment that is better described as claustrophobic.

That’s probably the truest part of his fantasy. Serkonos’ heat comes from the people being packed in like sardines, one on top of another.

It’s always where it cuts off, too. Goro doesn’t really know where to _go_ from there, doesn’t know how to function unless he’s being told what to do, unless someone’s pointing him in a direction and saying ‘go here, do this’. In his imagination, he stands in a kitchen in Karnaca and lets the tape corrupt. The thing is that he just keeps rewinding.

Someone grabs him by the hair and pushes his head onto the desk. It doesn’t hurt, but it rouses him from his thoughts.

“Unfocused, again!”

Shido gives him a shove, pressing his cheek into the wood, which _does_ hurt, before he lets him go. Goro knows better than to get up. “I’m sorry, sir.”

His father walks to the window behind his desk, “Apologise to those out there, son. To the peasants who rely on us to keep our empire prosperous. I’ll not have you bring shame to our family name by letting them down.”

_Our_ family name. As if he hadn’t taken the Akechi name from Goro, the name he was born with, and replaced it with his own. He forgets, he must, that it’s the Akechi family crest that hangs in the halls of the palace, the Akechi bloodline that runs rich with blue blood. Masayoshi Shido had stolen his mother’s name from him the minute she died.

Goro tilts his head, resting his chin on the varnished wood to stare at his father’s back. “I’m trying, father. It’s difficult-”

“Don’t talk to me about difficult, boy! I have a plague-ridden city to worry about, not to mention a group of good-for-nothing criminals who have dared threaten me and my own.”

It can’t be helped, the way he lifts at his phrasing, the hopeful fire that lights beneath his ribs. _Me and my own,_ like they really are family past a bit of blood. The thought that perhaps somewhere, under all the bedrock and anger, his father might actually care for him. The man who just almost chipped his tooth against his desk.

He knows how it sounds.

“You will find them, won’t you?” he asks as he sits back up properly in his chair.

“Of course I will,” he turns quickly, scowl so large it becomes his entire expression, “what do you take me for? You think I’d let my city be overrun by these so-called Phantom Thieves?”

Goro doesn’t tell him what is obvious: that that is what he’s been doing so far. That it's what he's been doing with the Rat Plague.

“Of course not, sir. I mean to say that it’s personal for us now. If they’ve taken Sae, who’s to stop them from killing one of us?”

“You must stop all this frightened rabbit nonsense, Goro. It’s high time you grew out of it.”

“I suppose so. You’re right. I shouldn’t get in my head about it.”

Shido sighs, “I’m always right, Goro. You would know that if you listened to me every now and again.”

“Sorry, sir.”

He comes to sit on the front of his desk, facing Goro and clasping him hard on the shoulder, “We will avenge your Protector. Don’t worry.”

It’s not news to him, the idea that they will never see eye to eye on anything, but it’s somehow still jarring. _Avenging._ Sae wouldn’t want that. Goro might want it, but not the way Shido wants it, that much is clear. He doesn’t want public executions or personal visits to the torture chamber, nothing that simply lords his theoretical power over theirs, makes them regret having the nerve to desire some sort of change in the world. Goro wants justice.

Which is something Sae taught him, after all.

He’s been worrying, selfishly, that now that she’s gone there’s nothing to stop Shido getting his claws deep into his skin and making him lust for vengeance too.

“May I be dismissed, father? I must admit that I’m not feeling my best, I haven’t been sleeping well.”

Shido tries to hide the way he rolls his eyes, but Goro’s been his son too long not to notice. “If you must. Though I still expect you early tomorrow, no exceptions, so you best get some decent rest.”

“Of course. Goodnight, sir,” he says, giving him a brief nod in lieu of a bow as he gets up and leaves.

The minute the door has closed behind him he lets out a long breath and blinks back some tears. _Not yet, Goro, you’re not safe yet._ He stabilises himself on a table in the hallway outside his weight wobbling it so hard that the delicate vase on top nearly knocks over. With a grunt, he grabs it before it can fall, breathing heavily as he adjusts it back onto the wood.

It’s an ugly vase. He should’ve let it fall.

He doesn’t want to spend much longer having a moment in the hallway for fear of Shido coming out of his office, so he steels himself and stares straight at the floor, hiding his face behind his hair, and makes his way back to his own quarters on muscle memory alone.

It’s chilly, it always is in Dunwall Tower, but it’s especially chilly for the Month of Harvest. It’s all he’ll let himself think about, trying to distract himself, to let out the grief and the stress with shivers. Like he’s having small talk with himself.

_Oddly cold, isn’t it?_

_Mm, I think they’ve been holding off on using the fireplaces. It draws the rats in._

_Perhaps I should just put a coat on, then. Wouldn’t want to get the plague._

Stupid, really.

Goro thinks he might light his own fireplace when he gets back to his quarters.

His quarters are nothing compared to the sprawling corridors that constitute his father’s. Goro has the necessities; a washroom, a changing room, an office, a personal library and his bedroom, and he’s very content with that. His father’s is more akin to an apartment; he’d never have to leave it if he didn’t want to.

He’ll inherit them one day, alongside a crown and a title and an empire. Sometimes he thinks maybe calling those rooms his own will be the worst part of it all. That man will be all over them, and he won’t be able to escape him even in death.

Sometimes this place seems more prison than palace.

He wonders if the Emperor’s quarters are chilly like it is down here.

It’s useless, all these thoughts he’s had a million times running around his head, doing nothing but worsening his headache and tightening the nauseous feeling in his gut. He presses hard on the door to his bedroom, intending on lighting some firewood before flopping down into bed, but there’s already someone inside.

“Oh, Ann. Are you- I don’t have a fitting scheduled for today, do I?”

She’s lying upside-down on his bed, head hanging off the side onto the ottoman below. For some reason, she lights up when she sees him. “Goro! You doing alright?”

“Fine, thank you. Is there a reason you’re in my bed?”

Ann’s eyes open wide like she hadn’t realised that she’s in his room without permission, in his bed, no less. “Oh,” she squeaks, rolling off and onto her feet with the grace of a baby elephant, “sorry. I just got so bored waiting.”

“For- waiting for what, exactly?”

“For you, silly,” she laughs, coming to pull him back to his bed so that they can sit together. This has bad news written all over it, he thinks, as she starts to run her fingers through his hair, “Did you brush your hair this morning?”

“It must’ve slipped my mind.”

Ann hums, “Mm. You said you’re fine but you don’t look it.”

“Sorry,” he says, turning to face her, “I haven’t missed a fitting, have I?”

She smiles at him, “Nope. Just thought I’d come see you.”

“Have I done something? Is there something that needs my attention?”

Ann just giggles at him, “Wow. You’re really not used to having friends, are you?”

“Fr-,” he stops himself, that is far too embarrassing to admit. “I wasn’t aware that we were. Friends, that is.”

“Well,” she twirls a pigtail around her finger, “maybe I’m getting ahead of myself.”

“I’m afraid I don’t understand.”

“Ugh,” she laughs, giving him a light shove, “I wanna be your friend.”

And Goro doesn’t know, really, how people _become_ friends, but he’s pretty sure they don’t ask permission. “What for?”

And maybe that’s not the best response.

“You just seem like you need one.”

“Oh. Right.”

“Yeah! So, um,” she pulls her lips to the side, “I’m gonna brush your hair for you, is that okay?”

“I don’t see why not.”

Ann gets up to pick up the hairbrush from his vanity, and he watches. She’s pretty, he thinks, in the classical sort of way, but she’s far too much of a pauper to go anywhere with it. You wouldn’t think just by looking at her that her official title was _Royal_ Tailor. Perhaps just a simple tailor with the way she dresses, like she’s made her own dress out of any scraps of fabric she could find, a belt with pin cushions and tape measures wrapped around. His father undoubtedly hates her, but that’s probably for the best.

“Fancy hairbrush,” she comments, smiling at him as she jumps back to him, crawling behind him to get to his hair. She wiggles the object in question, silver with a swirling design on the back; it’s not even one of his better brushes.

“It’s just a hairbrush,” he shakes his head, “Ow!”

She scoffs as she pulls his hair through the bristles, “Sorry. You have knots.”

“You couldn’t be- _ouch-_ gentle?”

“I’m trying. You should take better care of yourself.”

Goro groans in pain as Ann continues to yank his hair back, “You’ll forgive me if I had other things on my mind.”

“Oh,” she breathes, and Goro can _feel_ her sympathetic frown burning him from behind, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. I should be getting over it, really.”

Ann pauses for a moment, the brush caught halfway down his head, “Getting over it? They took her three days ago.”

“Exactly. I should be getting back to work.”

“Hey,” she waves the brush in front of his face, pulling him by the shoulder to look at her, “I’m not your dad, y’know? I’m not gonna judge you for being upset. Take as long as you need, in my opinion.”

“Awfully presumptuous of you,” he says, giving her his best attempt at a smile.

She blanches, “Sorry.”

“No, it’s refreshing, actually.”

“Oh. Well then, I’m not sorry,” she beams at him, pushing his head back forward to continue brushing through his hair. “ _Sooo,_ tell me how you feel.”

Goro hums, “I know you mean well, but I don’t think it would be very helpful to dwell.”

“I think you should get it out before it eats you alive.”

“A bit dramatic, don’t you think?” he snorts.

She swats him on the side of the neck with the back of the brush, “Shut it, you. I’m trying to be nice.”

Goro’s still laughing as he speaks, “I appreciate the effort.”

“Hey!” she pouts, and it makes him laugh harder because he’s never been able to _hear_ somebody pout before. “You’re laughing, at least. That’s good.”

It stops abruptly, “I suppose I am.” There’s a framed silvergraph of him and Sae on one of his bookshelves and he finds himself staring at it. It’s from when he was younger, before she became Royal Protector, before he was her official ward. It had been a title he thinks maybe he’d always carried in an informal sense. Her father had been his mother’s Protector, and they’d grown up together: he, Sae and Makoto.

Though he and Makoto hadn’t gotten along so much as they’d vied for Sae’s attention. It was cruel, on his part, to separate the sisters like that, but it was the closest thing he’d ever had to a sibling. Crueler still, how he feels he managed to win the contest for attention almost every time.

And now Sae is dead. And he’s robbed Makoto of her sister for the last time.

She must hate him.

In the picture he’s trying to pull her hair clip right off her head, but he’s too short, and she’s just staring down at him with a sarcastic smile, arms folded and leaning against a wall.

“I miss her,” he says before he can think to question it.

Ann makes a sad, whining noise behind him, dropping the brush and throwing her arms around his neck, “I bet. I’m sorry.”

He immediately stiffens under her touch, but finds himself leaning back into her on instinct, awkwardly raising a hand to pat her elbow. “It’s not your fault.”

She sighs, “I know.”

“She was like a sister to me,” he says, speaking devoid of any emotion to avoid cracks in his exterior, “I don’t understand why they took her.”

“Well, what did her calling card say?”

“I don’t mean that. She just didn’t- she never hurt anyone. We spent every waking moment together and if I can’t put the pieces together, how could those Phantom Thieves? How do they know her better than I do- did?”

Ann buries her head in the crook of his neck, “I’m sorry.”

He sniffs once, blinking hard, “It’s fine. I’m okay.”

“Goro…”

“I apologise. I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“Hey,” she says firmly, taking his chin in her hand and making him look at her, “what else are friends for, right?”

He gives her a tense smile, “I suppose. Thank you for listening, in that case.”

“Anytime,” she smiles back, gentle and kind.

Sae would’ve laughed at him for being so sad, and about _her_ no less, and told him to get back to his work. Of course, if she were here to tell him that, he wouldn’t be having this problem in the first place.

Ann’s more like how he remembers his mother: kind for the sake of being kind, not because you feel you owe the world a debt. Being kind because it’s the right thing to do, because that’s the type of person you are, because you’ve seen what the world has to offer and told it you can do better.

It’s refreshing to see it again. Everyone else he surrounds himself with seems inflicted with cruelty, and it is as infectious as the plague.

For a moment, he’s back in his pretend Karnaca apartment; warmth overcoming him like gentle hands around his waist, like a mouth on his neck. He wonders what kind of man he would be without all this disease. If he had more love in his bones than hatred.

He’s being dramatic. Sae would’ve laughed at him again.

As it is, Ann just keeps brushing his hair even though all the knots have already been brushed out. He doubts she even knows how inside his own head he’s getting.

“I should be getting to bed.”

It’s not that he doesn’t want Ann around, exactly; he’d just much rather be crying into his pillow right now until he falls asleep.

“It’s barely evening.”

“Yes. I haven’t been sleeping well, and I have things to attend to tomorrow.”

Ann pulls her lips to one side, “Shouldn’t you take some time off?”

Goro snorts, “Funny.”

“I was being serious.”

“That’s the funny part.”

She scowls, tugging on a few strands of his hair as revenge, “It’s not so crazy that you’d take a few days off to grieve.”

“The Empire does not wait for stupid things like grief.”

“It’s not stupid. And it’s not like you’re Emperor.”

“No, but my father delegates.”

“I think that man should learn some empathy,” she huffs.

Goro barks out a laugh at that, “Extremely bold of you to insult the Emperor to his own son’s face.”

“Oh, hush. Everyone knows you hate him.”

He laughs again, softer this time. “I suppose I’m not very subtle about it. I should try harder.”

“Not much point now, is there? What is he making you do tomorrow?”

“He isn’t _making_ me do anything. I require a new Royal Protector, so we need to discuss it.”

Ann gets up, going to put his brush back on the vanity, “You don’t need his permission to do that, do you?”

“I… I- no, I don’t. But he’s the one who knows everybody, so…”

She stares at him through the mirror, “You must know _someone._ ”

Goro hums, manoeuvring his foot into his lap to start removing his boot, “I’m afraid not. I’m quite isolated, actually.”

“Goro,” she frowns, turning with her hands leaning against the marble of the vanity.

He fiddles with the lace, “Mm?”

“Nothing,” Ann gives him a weak smile, “I could give it a go if you want. I’m kinda scrappy in a fight.”

“I think I like you better as a tailor,” he says, launching the shoe across the room.

“For the best,” she hums a laugh. “I’ll let you sleep. You know where to find me if you need me.”

“I do,” Goro confirms, giving her a tight smile as she lets herself out of his room.

Picking up some pajamas from one of his cabinets, he gets changed right where he stands in the middle of his room, far too tired to make the journey anywhere else. He’s too tired to brush his teeth, even, though he does consider the idea before already finding himself under his blankets.

As he drifts off, he imagines the smell of the beach, hot and salty and light. How the sand might feel beneath his feet, burning and sharp or soft, so soft he sinks down like quicksand, like how he sinks into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy fuck i'm finally posting this beastly thing i've been talking about and working on for two months now whew... i promise ren is here somewhere just give me a few chapters.
> 
> slight glossary because honestly nobody cares about the dishonored lore here as much as i clearly do so i may as well explain myself:  
> serkonos: an island of the empire  
> karnaca: capital city of serkonos  
> tyvia: another island of the empire  
> dunwall tower: the emperor's palace. located in dunwall, a city in gristol (the main and biggest island of the empire)  
> month of harvest: just a month. the dishonored calendar sucks hardcore but i figure it's summer/autumn  
> silvergraph: the fancy dishonored word for photograph. technically not invented during dunwall's rat plague but it's my fic and i make the rules.
> 
> on twitter @followedarrows if anybody wants to come say hello or see me complain about writing this beast or discuss how emily kaldwin is a lesbian


	2. Chapter 2

A professional bodyguard, several of the City Watch guards, the winner of last year’s Blade Verbena, the winner of the year before that, and a handful of of ex-cons.

Amongst a few other archetypes, these seem to be the only people in the entire Empire qualified to be a Royal Protector. Goro goes through all their files in order and if he didn’t have two separate piles going, he’d swear that he was seeing the same men every time.

Every now and then he’ll see one that’s different, one that stands out for a moment. A brief respite from his hellish monotony.  _ Oh, this one’s a celebrity sports player!  _ Down, Goro, you don’t even like sports.  _ Well, he’s obviously gay, _ and Goro wonders if people can smell it on him that easily.

They’re all men, which, he doesn’t know why he didn’t expect that. It’s his father that has compiled this list of candidates for him, after all. It makes him uncomfortable looking at them all, a pride of testosterone-filled brutes, one of which he’s supposed to spend all his days with and trust absolutely. He can’t imagine any of these people standing by his side as Protector, intimidating and bulky next to his comparatively lanky frame. He thinks maybe it would be a detriment, when he’s supposed to be hearing the people out; how does one come across as sensitive and caring while standing next to an ogre?

He prefers the company of women anyway. Not that they couldn’t also cut an imposing figure, it’s simply that he feels more welcome among their company most of the time. Perhaps he just hasn’t been lucky enough to find the right man, as in, one he doesn’t hate on sight.

But no, not a single woman in the entire stack of files that had been shoved in his face that morning. Shido rushing him from his office before he could ask any questions with such a lack of subtlety that Goro almost wanted to stay in the room just to see what the problem was.

It wouldn’t have been worth it, since he already knows the reason there’s no women in the stack.

He might deny it now, but Shido had always made it clear how much he didn’t think Sae was fit to be Protector. It was always snide comments or outright insults to her face, and she had to work twice as hard to gain half his respect. It’s unfair, Goro thinks, how he gets to pretend now that none of that ever happened, like she was a valued member of their small family, while Goro just has to live with the fact that he never did anything to stop him treating her that way.

Every time she’d said it was fine, that she wasn’t looking for his approval anyway so it didn’t matter to her whether he treated her well or not, but you could see it bothered her. It was obvious in the way she tried to impress him whenever the opportunity arose, always making sure she was in his periphery. She’d even taught Goro things like how to sword fight and fire a bow; constantly going above and beyond her duty just for a taste of the respect she deserved.

And now she’s gone. And Goro has never felt worse.

Why couldn’t he just stand up to his father on her behalf just once? If he’d known how much heartache and regret he’d be saving himself he’d do it in a second. Not that that’s a particularly good reason to do something. Maybe for once he just does something because it’s the right thing to do? What a concept.

_Back to the matter at hand, Goro, take your mind off of this before you spiral. Again._ There must be someone in the pile of a hundred papers who he feels he could at least  _ tolerate. _ Getting up, he spread all the sheets of paper out over his bed, so many that they spill onto his floor, and wanders his way around them. It’s just a sea of broad shoulders and thick necks. Goro feels like he’s being pulled under.

He’s supposed to replace Sae with one of these men?

He’s headed towards his bedroom door before he’s even aware of it, closing it behind him and pulling the handles back with his full weight, like he’s trying to contain a feral beast.

Goro knows he’ll have to come back later. But for now he’s taking gasping breaths like he really might’ve been drowning as his feet take him somewhere else. 

The blood rushes in his ears and it sounds an awful lot like the seawater he can feel sloshing in his lungs. It’s so loud. He has to steady himself against the staircase railing, fingers clutching so hard he might leave nail marks in the stone. Scratching desperately, anything to leave a mark, do something for himself for once,  _ I was here, motherfuckers! _

Because that’s the heart of it, isn’t it? Goro is twenty-one years old and he can’t fend for himself, dependant on an Emperor like everyone else in this blasted empire, times ten. He can’t even pick a new Protector for himself, for crying out loud, has to pick from a Shido-approved list and he can’t even do that properly.

It’s his purpose. To be a pawn until he becomes a king. That’s all a Crown Prince is for. Manipulating.

His father’s voice swirls around and around the whirlpool in his mind,  _ “They make you weak, these pitiful feelings of yours. She made you too soft, that woman, I told her you needed a firmer hand.” _

_ That woman. _ Like she’d never meant anything to him. Like she hadn’t given him the luxury he’s grown so accustomed to. Like she hadn’t been Goro’s mother.

Somehow he’s stumbled into the fitting room, a place covered in fabric and  _ mirrors _ and fuck Goro’s instincts for taking him somewhere this awful. Turning on his heel with a deep inhale, he spots Ann at her desk, drawing with her tongue peeking out from the side of her mouth.

He exhales.

“Ann.”

She looks up, smile quickly fading into concern as she sees him, “Goro. Are you okay?”

He sits across from her at her desk, not really sure how exactly to answer that. “You’re bleeding,” she says, getting up and coming over to lean on the desk behind her, taking his hand in hers and inspecting. She’s right. His fingernails are bleeding.

“I’m alright,” he nods. He feels distant, looking down at his hands; not just emotionally but physically, like they’re sliding down his body and his head can’t follow, only watch as they disappear.

He’s bleeding from scratching at the railing, he assumes, the skin around his fingers torn and an angry shade of crimson. It hurts, but not terribly.

“I was- hm. I’m alright,” he repeats, not really sure what his body thought his brain was going to do once he got here. “I was looking through the files my father gave me this morning.”

“Paper cut?” Ann laughs shakily.

Goro shakes his head, “Afraid not.”

“Um, here,” she says, handing him a scrap piece of fabric, “for the bleeding.”

As Goro works the material over his fingertips, his eyes scan over her desk, “What are you working on?”

She seems surprised by the question, surely expecting that they’d talk about Goro’s sort-of breakdown, “Oh, uh, nothing. It’s not important.”

“I could use the distraction.”

Ann huffs a stray piece of hair out of her face, “Fair enough, I guess.” Crossing back behind her desk, she spins her papers around so Goro can see. 

The sketch is nothing like he’s ever worn. None of the elegant glamour Ann’s designs usually have. It’s more rugged, like something an adventurer might wear, and it’s exaggerated somehow; too many empty holsters, shoulder padding on the edge of too much, and a matching mask.

“It’s actually for my girlfriend. An anniversary present.”

“I didn’t know you were… seeing anyone.”

Ann giggles, “It’s okay. You can say lesbian.”

“Well. I didn’t know either of those things, to be fair.”

She falls back into her chair, grabbing a frame from on top of the desk and smiling at it before she lets him see. It’s Ann and what he can only assume is her girlfriend: Ann's holding her around the shoulders as she smiles. Her girlfriend’s pretty, all black hair pulled out of her face and servant clothes. They seem like a good match. “Does she work in the palace?”

“Kitchens,” she says, hugging the frame close to her chest.

“How long have you been together?”

“Two years next month. I love her.”

Goro gives a small smile, “You seem happy together.”

“Yeah,” she says, beaming at her silvergraph. “We are.”

“Good,” he swallows, trying not to look as out of his depth as he feels.

“What about you? Is there a special someone?”

“No. Though not for lack of trying on my father’s part.”

She scoffs, “Your dad’s trying to set you up with people?”

“Sell me off, more like.”

“Goro…” she frowns.

“Ah. I shouldn’t complain, all of the women he’s picked so far have been quite beautiful,” which, okay, isn’t  _ really _ a lie, but it does omit the fact that he’d rather stick pins in his eyes than marry someone Shido picked out for him, even if he were straight. Not only is the idea incredibly embarrassing, but the idea of his father liking someone is a big turn off.

Ann looks at her silvergraph of her girlfriend like she’ll be able to tell her what to say, “He shouldn’t use you like that. You’re his son.”

“Mm. Unfortunately.”

She laughs once, loud and guffawing, before she covers her mouth, “I shouldn’t laugh at that.”

“By all means. I certainly do, though only because I’d cry if I didn’t.”

Leaning forward, elbows on the desk, she gives him a wry smile, “I didn’t know you were funny, Goro.”

“I’m entirely serious,” he says, deadpan.

She tenses, folding her hands back into her lap, “Oh.”

Goro snorts at her wide eyes, “I’m kidding.”

But kind of, sort of, not really.

Ann releases a breath, glaring at him, “I thought I’d stuck my foot in my mouth, you jerk!”

“You do that so much anyway, it doesn’t really matter,” he shrugs.

“Asshole,” she says, eyes narrowed. He gives her a smile and she softens, grinning back at him. “I hate to be so pushy, but you did come here for a reason, right?”

“Admittedly, I seem to have just found myself here.”

“That’s kinda worrying,” she frowns, rubbing her shoulder.

“Just a moment of weakness, I suppose. I- uh- As I said, I’ve been looking through candidates for my next Royal Protector.”

“Anyone good?” her tone’s gentle, as if she were approaching a feral animal, hands cautiously placating.

Goro holds up his bloody hands, “What do  _ you _ think?”

She scrunches her face at him, “You could’ve just said no.”

“It was a stupid question. I was looking at them all and it was as if I couldn’t breathe.”

The expression on her face shifts to a sympathetic one, lips pulled tight. “What was it about them that you didn’t like?”

“Everything. They’re all large and intimidating and horrible and not  _ Sae, _ ” he says, feeling the image of the papers and matching silvergraphs spread across his bedsheets coming back to the forefront of his mind. “I hate the idea of replacing her.”

“Can I hug you?” Ann asks, getting up anyway, coming to kneel by him.

“Please don’t. I think the slightest touch might set me off.”

“What? Like crying?”

“Please.”

“It’s okay to cry, Goro.”

Goro sets his jaw, “I’d really rather not.”

“Geez,” Ann scoffs, “fine, I won’t hug you. I think it’s okay if you need time, your dad shouldn’t rush you.”

“I don’t  _ have _ time. I have too many things that need my attention, a lot of which require me to go outside.”

“You’re the Crown Prince, make somebody else do ‘em.”

He snorts, “You don’t understand. I  _ want _ to go outside. I hate this palace.”

And it feels so good to say it. To let it out and tell someone who isn’t Sae. He feels some of the weight slough off his shoulders already, like a second skin, like a wall, like he might actually let someone see who he really is again.

He breathes a sigh, “But I can’t spend all my time with someone I despise.”

Ann leans up to stroke his hair and he just barely keeps a lid on the whimper that tries to escape. “I’m gonna help you.”

“You- how are  _ you _ going to help me?” Goro can’t help but laugh at the idea.

She flicks his ear, “I know a lot of people.”

“You- y- you’re going to…?”

“Ask around. It’s the least I can do for my friend.”

Goro blinks at her. “You know  _ qualified _ people?”

“ _ Yes. _ I’m not gonna set you up with someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing.”

“Like who?”

“Like… Oh! I know Makoto in the City Watch.”

He tries to hide the way it makes him wince, “And you think she’d want to be my Protector.”

“Well, why not?”

“Sh- she’s Sae’s sister.”

She points at him, “Right.” Ann rights herself, moving behind her desk and rooting through drawers. “Here it is,” she says, holding up a book.

“And that is?”

“Like an address book. I’ve had it since I used to help run the shop back home,” she explains absently, already flicking through the pages.

“The shop?”

“Yeah. My parents run a fabric store in Tyvia.”

“Oh,” and the new information gives him so many questions that he can’t even think to get any out before Ann speaks again.

“I should probably ask these guys whether they’re up for the job before I tell you about them, huh?”

“Oh. Um. Of course. I’m not exactly going anywhere.”

Ann gives him a smile, holding her pinky finger out across the table, “You trust me, right?”

“Against my better judgement, yes,” he scoffs, but takes her finger in his all the same.

She laughs, pulling on his hand playfully.

As she pulls away to rifle back through her book, Goro notices how much lighter he feels. He recognises the feeling, he felt it after every important conversation with Sae; every time he’d spilled his guts to her.

It’s not the same situation, anyone could see that: Sae had always been less interested in gentleness, which he hadn’t hated or blamed her for, it was part of her profession, after all. Sae always told him how it was, whether he liked her answers or not. If not for her, he’d probably still be enthralled by his father, captivated by his power; he’d be looking up to him. He never got to thank her for that.

But Ann entertains him and his almost self-destructive sense of humour when Sae had rolled her eyes and sighed. Maybe that’s what he’d been missing, not a firmer hand, but a softer one.

Or maybe he’s just trying to justify being friends with his tailor.

“I assume you don’t want this back?” he asks, unravelling the makeshift bandages on his hands.

Ann grimances at the bloody fabric. “No. Put it in the bin,” she says, nodding to the already stuffed bin in the corner of her office. Goro throws it in from his seat before he gets up.

“I should be going. Wouldn’t want anyone to know I’ve abandoned my duties,” he frowns, staring at the door.

“D’you need any help?” she asks, brow arched.

Goro thinks about the flood that awaits him in his room and shakes his head, “No. I’ll be fine.”

“You sure? I’m free.”

He points to the designs she’s working on, “You’re busy. I’m sure.”

“M’kay, well, see ya!” she says, beaming. Goro tries his best to smile back, genuinely and not just the one he’s worked on all his life to be as perfect as possible, but it probably looks too strained, and leaves the room.

When he gets back to his quarters, he draws himself a bath with the water as hot as it will go. He uses the bath salts under his sink that he saves for special occasions, the ones his mother liked. They’re expensive, imported from an island in Morley, made with some kind of salt you can’t get anywhere else, so he doesn’t like to use them often; just times where he feels weak. Times where he misses the way his mother would hold him in her arms when he was just a boy, hug him close and tight and tell him that everything is going to be okay. Her arms somehow felt safer than the palace walls themselves.

And she’d always smelled the way her bath salts did. Floral and light.

The burning water takes his mind off of everything else, until there’s nothing left but the numbness in his body and her scent in his nose.

If he tries hard enough, he can almost feel her arms closing around him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i should probably mention i have plans to make this fic explicit huh? well. but not for a while since it's a slow burn and all  
> ren is still m.i.a. but he's in chapter four i THINK
> 
> another dishonored glossary for y'all:  
> blade verbena: a sick sword fighting contest for the best of the best  
> morley: an island of the empire. for some reason my favourite one even though we never see it


	3. Chapter 3

Goro hates mealtimes in the palace.

His father’s almost never there with him, always away on some errand and taking his meals elsewhere, and usually that would be an advantage, but eating alone at a table full of food feels so lonely.

The loneliness snowballs into intense awkwardness when you add in the fact that the staff who wait on him remain in the room for the remainder of the meal, waiting until he’s finished so they can eat his scraps. Although not really  _ scraps, _ because he couldn’t eat an entire buffet by himself for every meal.

Specifically, this morning: something has the palace practically ablaze with gossip, and the dining room has not been spared. He can hear people whispering, at the door, serving the food onto the table, dusting off the shelves.

He can’t say it doesn’t make him paranoid. Even if the only name he ever actually hears is his father’s.

_ “Yes, Emperor Shido is supposedly scared. I think it’s kinda funny.” _

_ “Don’t say things like that. What if it’s really serious?” _

_ “It’s just a joke. Don’t get your hopes up.” _

_ “Hopes up? You’re crazy. That’s the Emperor.” _

_ “Well, what has he done for me lately?” _

His father being scared must just be a vicious rumour. In all his years of life he’s never known that man to show a shred of fear, not even sitting with his mother on her deathbed. Shido, for all his flaws, had always been this stoic presence in Goro’s life: unshakeable and fearless.

Or at least, that’s how Goro had seen him.

The main door opens, and he instinctively sits up in his seat, somehow expecting to see his father making his way to his seat at the opposite side of the table. For a moment, he feels his heart lift at the idea that he’s worthy of his father making time to eat with him. Two servant girls enter in his place, quickly giving a bow before they start heading for the kitchen door, rags in hand. Goro sinks, rolling his eyes for being so damned stupid.

_ “Apparently, it was soaked in gasoline.” _

_ “That’s so much effort for just a prank.” _

_ “Nah. It doesn’t prove anything. A prankster wouldn’t want to be caught either.” _

_ “By why go to all the trouble?” _

_ “Because it’s funny?” _

_ “I guess. I still think leaving it in his room is-” _

“Excuse me?” Goro says before he can stop himself.

The girls look horrified, stopping in their tracks. Looking at them, Goro thinks the one on the left, dark hair and a knee brace, is familiar. “You. what is your name?”

She stumbles, her friend behind her giving her a light shove. “I’m Shiho. Suzui. Shiho Suzui. Your Highness.”

“You wouldn’t happen to know Ann, would you?”

“The Royal Tailor? Yeah. Uh,  _ yes, _ sir.”

“I see,” he hums. She looks more tired in person than she had in Ann’s silvergraph, and there’s something sadder in her eyes. Goro finds himself staring at her and she shrinks awkwardly under his gaze. “Ah, my apologies. I was wondering if perhaps you could fill me in on this morning’s gossip. As always, I appear to be the last to know,” he chuckles, if only to ease her growing anxiety.

It doesn’t seem to help her. “I’m sorry. I know it’s not our place to gossip, but-”

“Shiho, I’m  _ really  _ not offended. I’d just like to know.”

“Well, um. The Emperor found a letter in his room this morning, and people are saying it was from the leader of the Phantom Thieves.”

Oh. Fuck. “A calling card?”

“With all due respect, your Highness, I don’t know if I’m really… the right person to be asking about this.”

Goro scoffs a laugh, turning his gaze back to his plate, “Of course.”

He’s suddenly not feeling all that hungry anymore. A deeply sick feeling is taking root in his gut in its stead. These fucking Phantom Thieves are shaving years off his life with all this ugly grief and worry. He needs a new Protector, sooner rather than later.

“Am I dismissed, sir?”

“Hm? Oh, yes. Get back to…” he trails off as she leaves, quickly grabbing the arm of her friend and pulling her into the kitchen with her.

Goro drops his fork on the place, standing up and going to leave his meal not even half finished. Nobody tries to stop him, but he can feel the eyes of everyone else in the room on him like a physical pressure; all he can do is maintain a normal pace as he walks, even though his instincts tell him to bolt.

As he walks, he can’t stop thinking. A letter from the Phantom Thieves? So soon after Sae - they must be  _ gloating. _ It sets his blood on fire; he can feel it licking at his veins, pulsing and begging to be freed. He grips his hands into fists to stave off the burn.

Goro can’t say that in a battle between his father and the Thieves, he’d be rooting for either side. He hates them both with a similar ferocity. But if he has to pick a side, he’ll pick Shido every time, even if it’s solely because he doesn’t want to become Emperor before he absolutely must.

That doesn’t mean he can’t be pissed off that his father tried to hide this from him.

He climbs all the way to the throne room, the guards pushing open the heavy doors for him as they announce his presence. “Son,” Shido greets, as Goro makes his way towards him.

Surrounding him are some of his most trusted advisers and highest ranking security. So, he  _ is _ scared, though someone wouldn’t be able to tell while looking solely at him, his bravado still proudly worn like a family heirloom. 

Well, it certainly tracks that he’d fear for his own life over everything else.

“Father. You got a letter from the Thieves?”

Shido lifts his chin in response, “And who told you?”

“Does that really matter? I wish to read it.”

His father just rolls his eyes and snaps his fingers, giving one of the men the signal to pass the letter to Goro. “This was in your room?”

“My bedside table.”

“How did they-?”

Shido’s hand on the arm of the throne balls into a fist, “Obviously, I don’t know. Or I wouldn’t be in the middle of council right now.”

“Right,” Goro breathes.

The paper feels crisp against his skin, no doubt from the dried up gasoline, all crunchy and horrid. The liquid has made the ink begin to fade down the page, though the messy scrawl is still just about legible.

_ Emperor Shido, _

_ We know. _

_ Yours forever, _

_ Joker, the leader of the Phantom Thieves xoxo _

There’s a red mark stamped underneath the writing; it looks like some kind of mask, though the ink has bled far too much for it to be completely recognisable.

“We know?” he asks, flipping the letter over in case he missed something, “Know what?”

Shido regards him for a moment, looking him over like he’s looking for something new. It makes Goro anxious. Eventually, he simply shrugs, “I’ve no idea.”

His father has lied to him before, he thinks maybe his father lies to him every day, but this feels different. He feels like he was tested and failed, like Shido was looking and hoping to find something in Goro that he just doesn’t have.

Goro stiffens his expression. He can’t be failing his father right now.

“None at all?” he tries again.

“None at all,” Shido nods. “Was that all?”

“I-,” the abrupt dismissal stuns him. He blinks stupidly up at his father, somehow unprepared for his careless tone. “I suppose. I was worried about you, is all.”

Shido himself gets up to snatch the paper from his son’s grip, “Interrupt me during my council again and you will not like what happens.”

“Yes, sir,” comes the automatic response from Goro’s lips. Shido just scoffs at him and turns to retake his seat.

“Don’t you have matters to attend to?”

He swallows, nodding distantly as he turns on his heel to leave.

It’s humiliating, to say the least. Not that Goro has necessarily been eager to join in on council or advisory talks, but to not even be consulted is embarrassing. He’s an adult now, has been for four years and yet his father doesn’t trust him in the slightest. If he is obligated to take on a heavier workload in adulthood, then it follows that he deserves a chance to sit at the table with the rest of the powerful people. Just a chance.

Goro clenches his hands into fists as the guards open the doors for him to leave.

* * *

Ann comes to his room again that night, holding a stack of files both decently smaller and less professional-looking than the one his father had given him.

Though, speaking of those, as soon as he’d gotten out of the bath a few nights ago, he’d thrown them into his fireplace and watched them burn. Childish, yes, but it had been calming to watch them disintegrate into ash.

“How many of those do you have?”

Ann shrugs as she closes his door behind her with her foot, “I dunno, five?”

Goro huffs, throwing himself backwards on his bed. Five is more manageable than fifty, but at this point he’d rather Ann only give him one option.

She giggles as she comes over to him, leaning against one of the columns on his bed and dropping the papers onto his stomach. Grunting in surprise, he scowls at her, “I can’t believe you know six people who are qualified for this position.”

“I think qualified is kind of a strong word,” she nods, sitting beside him with her legs crossed.

He puts the stack back in her lap, “Talk me through them.”

Spreading all the pages out in front of her, Goro watches her think and tap at her lips. She clicks her tongue, “I know you said no to Makoto, but I asked her anyway.”

“Wonderful,” Goro groans, “what did she say?”

“Actually, she said she’d do it,” she smiles. “To follow in her dad’s footsteps.”

Goro gives her a weak one in return, “I couldn’t do that to her.”

“But she’s up for it.”

“Okay, then, I couldn’t do that to me.”

“Aren’t you friends?”

Sighing, he turns his head to the ceiling, “Closer to competitors. And I can’t replace Sae with her sister.”

“It’s not really a replacement, you can’t think of it like that.”

“Then what is it?”

“Well, I mean… You  _ know  _ what I mean.”

“If it helps you sleep at night to think that, then sure.”

“I’m serious.”

“So am I.”

Ann just sighs loudly, rolling her eyes. “That’s a no for Makoto Niijima then,” she says, throwing one of the papers to the floor.

“Who’s next?” he asks, adjusting on his bed to get more comfortable.

“We have Iwai Munehisa,” she clears her throat, “ex-Grand Guard member.”

“He’s Serkonan?”

She nods, keeping her gaze on Iwai’s file, “Yep. One of the Duke’s top guys before he left.”

“And he left because…?”

“He had a kid,” she shrugs.

“How do you even know him?”

Pulling her mouth to the side, she hums, “I don’t really. We have friends in common.”

He takes a deep breath, “Okay. He’s just okay with leaving his child? Or is he intending on bringing them along?”

“I didn’t ask.”

“But that’s your-” he starts, before he just rolls his eyes. It’s probably a futile effort, “I wouldn’t want to endanger the life of a parent. Next.”

He hears her slide the paper to the floor alongside Makoto’s. “Ichiko Ohya.”

“Why do I know that name?”

“She’s a journalist.”

Goro grits his teeth, “Is she, perhaps, the same Ichiko Ohya who published the abhorrent lies about my family while my mother was on her deathbed?”

He can still remember that month so vividly. It was like a haze, blurry but so intense as he watched his mother die slowly, watched the bright spark he loved so much fade from her eyes. Waking up every morning had felt like pure dread, like he was just waiting for the inevitable, knowing he’d never forgive himself if he didn’t spend every moment at her side.

And then when they finally lost her and he came to, the Empire was abuzz with salacious and scandalous rumours. He was just a child. Nobody deserves to hear such terrible things about their mother so young.

Ann pushes her paper to the floor wordlessly. “How about Ryuji Sakamoto?”

“How do you even know that vile cockroach?” he asks, sitting up to look at her with a disgusted expression.

“Whoa. What did Ryuji ever do to you?”

“Fucking- Ohya.”

“Oh,” she frowns, “like I said, mutual friends.”

He sniffs, “I think you ought to stop being friends with people who tolerate such disgusting behaviour.”

“Yes, alright, I’m  _ sorry, _ I didn’t know. Look, I won’t bring her up again.”

“I should hope not,” he scowls, leaning back onto his sheets. “What does Ryuji Sakamoto do?”

“Currently unemployed.”

“What about his experience?”

Ann frowns, “Do you promise not to send my friend to prison if I tell you?”

“Ann.”

“Yes?”

Goro just shakes his head in response, pushing his paper to the floor himself. “I can’t have a criminal for my Royal Protector.”

“You could always plead ignorance,” she offers, shrugging.

He laughs bitterly, “Lie? But that’s  _ so  _ out of character for me.”

“Hush. No more self-deprecating jokes. I only have one left.”

“Then let’s hope they’re a winner,” he sighs.

“His name’s Ren Amamiya.”

“What does he do?”

“He’s a private guard. Travels with people for protection. Actually, I think it’s mostly  _ things  _ he protects, like whale oil.”

Goro’s brow furrows, turning his head to look at Ann, “And his criminal history?”

“Squeaky clean.”

“Really?” he scoffs.

“Hey! Scout’s honour.”

He narrows his eyes, searching her face, “Then what? He has a child?”

“No. Nothing like that. I think he’s just bored.”

Goro clicks his tongue as he thinks. He certainly  _ sounds _ like the best option Ann has presented so far, with his background being exactly what’s required for the job, but the papers scattered on his floor give him pause. Not that he doesn’t trust Ann’s judgement, but- well, no, after going through the candidates with Ann he really  _ doesn’t _ trust her judgement. There must be  _ something  _ wrong with him.

“You’re sure? There’s nothing wrong with him?”

Ann grimaces, “Um.”

“Aha! There is.”

“Well.  _ Yeah,  _ nobody’s perfect, Goro.”

He sits up again, grabbing the paper from Ann and reading it over, “What is it?”

“He’s… kinda… well. He’s a bit of an asshole sometimes.”

Goro scrunches half of his face at her, “That’s all?”

“You don’t think that’s bad?”

“Everyone in this palace is  _ ‘a bit of an asshole,  _ he’ll fit right in.”

Ann claps her hands together, grinning, “So that’s a yes for Ren?”

“Don’t look so proud of yourself, I had to pick someone.”

She takes the file right out of his hands, “And I’m taking all the credit.”

Goro laughs, trying to snatch it back when she keeps pulling it away at the last second, “Nothing’s final yet. I have to meet him first.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Let me have this.”

He scoffs light-heartedly, rolling his eyes, “What’s his address?”

“What for?”

“So I can send him a letter, you cretin,” he says, bashing one of her pigtails.

“Hey! I can just go invite him up here, it’s okay.”

“Are you sure? I wouldn’t want to trouble you.”

“You made me collect a group of potential Protectors for you to judge.”

“You  _ offered, _ ” he says, giving her a light shove and earning himself a giggle.

“And I’m  _ offering  _ now. So let me.”

“Fine,” he sighs, blowing his hair out of his eyes, “and when you get back I want to know what he said.”

“Well, duh.”

“No, I mean immediately.”

“Is that an order, your Highness?” she mocks, getting up just to do a curtsy at him.

“You’re horrible,” he grins at her as she bends to pick her papers in a fit of laughter.

Goro pulls his knees to his chest as he becomes aware of the natural smile on his face. It makes him feel guilty. Sae’s dead and he’s here smiling with a tailor, laughing about picking her replacement. He shouldn’t look at it that way, despite his protests he  _ did _ know what Ann meant earlier: it’s not something he’s doing willingly, he just has to. Sae would understand. But it’s incredibly hard to see it as anything other than replacement when the wound is so fresh, when the grief still runs around his mind and begs to take over. When he’s apparently finding so much enjoyment out of it.

“You okay? You kinda spaced out there,” Ann’s by his side, dangling her legs over the side of his bed with a worried look spoiling her pretty features.

“Oh,” he says, forcing his smile back on his face, “I’m fine.”

“You sure?”

“Yes.”

“Okay,” and Goro can hear how unconvincing he is. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”

“Of course. Actually, there was something on my mind.”

“Yeah?”

“Did you hear about the letter my father received last night?”

She sucks in a breath between her teeth, “I think everyone has by now.”

“Did you hear about what it says?”

“Have you read it?”

He nods, “It was… cryptic. To say the least.”

“Cryptic?”

“It just said  _ ‘We know’ _ .”

Ann furrows her brow, “What does that mean?”

“He said he didn’t know.”

“Is that…” she stutters, thinking, “Is that- was it a lie?”

“I believe so. It’s not out of the ordinary for him to hide things from me.”

She frowns, “Do you think it’s suspicious?”

Goro just shrugs, “I don’t trust my father and I don’t trust the Phantom Thieves. I refuse to pick between two despicable factions.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

“It’s my answer,” he says, “I don’t want to get involved. Nor does my father  _ want  _ me to be involved, which is fine by me.”

And that might be a lie, but Ann doesn’t have to know that.

“Isn’t that kinda… I dunno, a shitty way to look at things?”

“Perhaps. However it’s simply not my responsibility.”

“Goro, that’s-”

He turns his head, glaring at her, “I don’t wish to discuss this with you anymore if you’re going to be so judgemental.”

She scoffs, pulling away from him at his words. “Alright,” she says, pushing herself onto her feet, “I’ll be going then.”

“Yes. I think you should,” he nods, curling himself up onto his bed, pointedly not looking at Ann.

He can feel her eyes on him, inspecting him like he’s live bomb, like he could explode at any moment. When she speaks, he can feel the artificial calmness leaking from her tone like poison, “I’ll go speak to Ren. I’ll see ya later. Or tomorrow. Whenever.”

“That’s fine.”

He hears the door close behind her not long after, immediately finding himself regretting his actions. Being alone is something that he’s getting used to, but he doesn’t think it’ll ever stop making him feel so empty.

It’s a feeling that rots him from the inside out. It leaves him to sit and stir the pot of bad memories and anger and boxes that read  _ DO NOT OPEN _ that bubbles in his head. He should get up, really, find some work that needs doing or maybe just indulge in one of his more childish hobbies and imagine what he’d pack if he were to run away.

Clothes and his mother’s silvergraph and perhaps a bar or two of gold from his safe room. It’s not a long list, even with the new addition of Sae’s photo, but there’s really nothing else here of sentimental value. Maybe he’d take a few books, but he’s never been a fan of rereading.

Realistically, he wouldn’t last a day out in the streets of Dunwall. The Rat Plague has taken the once glowing gem of a city and shattered it, staining grime in the cracks and crunching the pieces into mud. Everything’s so dirty now, the smell of burning living in the streets and festering along with the corpses that float in Wrenhaven.

Everything is dirt and rot and decay. While a chosen few sit safe in the palace and complain about the cold. It’s not fair. He knows it isn’t.

But he can’t say he isn’t glad to be on this side of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we are all just going to have to accept that i am rushing to get to the romance and i promise i'll slow down . whenever that happens .
> 
> idk for how much longer i'm gonna keep writing these glossaries or why i even put them at the end when it makes no logical sense:  
> grand guard - what they call basically the police in serkonos. guards. you get it  
> wrenhaven - a river that runs through dunwall. like the thames
> 
> i don't need to keep putting my @ after every chapter do i? please leave me nice comments xxx


	4. Chapter 4

When Ann comes to meet him in his personal office the next morning, all the tension between them has dissolved overnight. As if Goro was a tired child throwing a tantrum.  _ As if, _ like that’s not exactly what happened.

“He said he’s coming to the palace today, before Parliament ends,” she says.

“Who?”

“Ren.”

Goro looks up from his work, squinting at her. “ _ Today? _ ”

“Aren’t you listening?”

“Yes, but-  _ Ann. _ He  _ can’t _ come today.”

“Why not?”

“I’m not prepared, I was going to plan out what I was going to say. I wanted to have  _ questions _ for him.”

Ann falls back into the chair, huffing out a breath, “You’re so organised.”

“Well, I try to be. You have to tell him to stay home.”

“I can’t, Goro. He’s probably already on his way here.”

Goro pinches the bridge of his nose, “Fuck. I’m not ready.”

“You look fine,” Ann says, rolling her eyes. “Don’t be dramatic.”

“I’m not talking about my outfit,” he scoffs, but he looks down at his clothes, “though, I suppose I could be dressed better.”

Ann giggles, “You want me to pick something out for you?”

Goro splutters, “ _ No. _ I’m not trying to impress him. I’m- I’m the Crown Prince, royalty.”

“Mhm,” she nods, getting up and grabbing his hand, “come with me.”

“Ann,” he whines, but allows himself to be dragged down the corridor of his quarters into his changing room.

She places him in the middle of the room, angling him so that’s he’s forced to watch his reflection grimace in the mirror. He’s wearing his regular clothes, nothing that particularly screams regal; he was planning on spending all day in his room after all. A simple button-up shirt tucked into high-waisted trousers, held up by four buttons, two on either side of his hip bones. He had been wearing shoes, but he’d kicked them off at some point while he worked and Ann hadn’t given him any time to put them back on before dragging him away, so he stands in just his white socks.

Ann’s standing behind him, clicking her tongue as her eyes scan along the three walls covered in clothing hangers and drawers and cubby holes. The shelves are a greyish colour, more white than black, to go with his deep blue walls and ivory skirting board. The free wall is the one he’s looking at, the one covered in mirrors so that no matter where he looks, he can’t escape himself. Not that he usually finds himself all that hard to look at.

Right now though it just makes him anxious.

“So, I’m feeling blue. How ‘bout you?”

He shifts on his feet, “Um.”

“‘Cause this,” she says, gesturing to his body, “isn’t  _ terrible. _ I think it’s good to not be trying so hard.”

She nods at him as she apprasies him. “Thank you?”

“You’re welcome. I think Ren would appreciate you looking and being more casual.”

Goro scoffs at her, “What do you think this is? A date?”

Ann sighs, pulling one of his jackets off the hanger, “Well, you never know.”

“Be quiet,” he scowls.

“I’m serious. He’s hot.”

“Well, I’m not- and even if I was…”

She rolls her eyes, pulling out his arm to shove it into his sleeve, “Sure,” but she doesn’t sound convinced.

So he just changes the subject, “How are things outside?”

Humming, she pulls the side of his jacket against his shirt and looks at him through the mirror, “How d’you mean?”

“What is the general consensus about… things- Sae, I mean. I shouldn’t be so cryptic.”

Ann shakes her head to herself, taking the jacket off his single arm and taking it back to his hangers. “People are sad. Obviously.”

“Has sentiment changed in regard to the Phantom Thieves?”

“I guess, a little.”

“A little? But they- they’ve outed themselves as criminals now.”

“Maybe red,” Ann says to herself.

“Ann? Are you listening?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah. It’s just… complicated, I guess.”

“How can it possibly be complicated? They murdered an innocent woman.”

Ann pulls her lips to the side, running her fingers across all the clothes that are hung up, “That’s the thing, I think. People think maybe she wasn’t.”

At that, Goro turns to face her, “That’s entirely unfair.”

“It makes sense though,” she says sympathetically, coming to pat him on the shoulder, “people didn’t know her like you did. And the Thieves have established their motives. It’s kind of the logical conclusion.”

He pulls out of her hold, “How can you say that?”

“You  _ asked _ me what people thought, Goro,” she scowls. “It’s not my fault you don’t like the answer.”

“I-” he starts, biting comment ready behind his teeth, but Ann’s right. It’s not her that he’s angry at; it’s those damned Thieves,  _ again. _ As if they hadn’t taken enough from him. “Red, you said?” he asks, tension still apparent in his tone. He turns back to the mirror, studying his expression so that he can school it into something less furious.

“Mm, yeah. I think red’s your colour.”

“I’ve always thought it was brown.”

She scrunches her face like he’s made her suck on a lemon, “Brown? That’s so  _ boring. _ Red brings out your eyes.”

“What’s the point in bringing out my eyes? They’re hardly my best feature.”

Ann giggles, matching a red fabric swatch to the skin of his cheeks, “I’m  _ dying _ to know what you think your best feature is.”

He snorts, “What do you think it is?”

“Your ears.”

“My _ ears? _ ”

“Yeah. You don’t think your ears are nice?”

Goro tucks his hair behind one of his ears, turning to look at it in the mirror, “I’ve never really thought about it. I suppose I do.”

“They have a nice shape,” Ann hums, pulling on his earlobe, “very flat. Mine are too big.”

“Your ears are tiny.”

Ann flicks a pigtail over her shoulder to inspect her own ears, “No way.”

“Is that why you wear those giant, awful hoops? To distract?”

She smacks him on the arm, “I wear them because I like them.”

“Ah, so it’s just your terrible taste.”

She smacks him again. “You’re horrible. I think you should try them.”

Before he can protest, Ann’s unlatching the hoops from her ears and trying to shove them into his. “Ann, that’s disgusting,” he says, weaving out of her way.

“Don’t be a baby! It’ll only be for a second.”

He continues resisting, but eventually Ann grabs the back of his neck and holds him in place with an aggravated scowl on her face. “Hold still!” she shouts.

Groaning, he winces as she shoves the latch in his ear, clicking it shut. “That’s not fair,” she frowns, “you look so pretty.”

“They really are gaudy,” he says, twisting his neck and stepping closer to the mirror to look at himself.

Ann rolls her eyes, crossing her arms across her chest, “They’re just simple hoops.”

He turns to look at her, “They’re enormous.”

“They suit you. You should wear earrings more often.”

“Mm, my father would love that. He doesn’t even know I pierced them.”

She tuts, coming to take back her earring, “Why do you care so much about what he thinks?”

“It’s about appearances. He’d never let me get away with openly disrespecting him.”

“What’s he gonna do about it? You’re his son.”

“Exactly. He could always disown me. Or frame me for a crime, throw me in Coldridge.”

“You’re his only heir,” she points out, fiddling with her ear to put the hoop back in.

“In theory, he can appoint anyone as heir. I’d bet my life that I’m only heir due to the societal pressure of the thing. I’m the only one of us with royal blood, after all.”

The only person in the world, he thinks, but he doesn’t say. It’s terribly lonely.

“Maybe I should try to get on his good side, then.”

He chuckles at her, “I’m afraid it might be too late for you.”

She smiles wryly, “Not exactly Empress material, am I?”

“Me neither. So maybe you  _ are _ qualified.”

She scoffs, shaking her head, “You’re totally qualified. Smart and good at talking.”

“High praise,” he snorts.

Ann laughs, giving him a gentle shove, “You didn’t tell me.”

“Tell you what?”

“What your best feature is. I could start designing for you with it in mind.”

Goro laughs, twisting his hips to stare at himself from the side, “I think you probably shouldn’t.”

“Why?”

He runs a hand up his backside, “I think it’s my ass.”

* * *

Ann leaves him to change at some point, and after he throws on some boots, a tie and a jacket, he leaves too, to go back to his office. Hopefully, he can get some more work done before somebody comes to tell him he has a visitor.

Apparently, everyone in the palace has forgotten what  _ protocol _ means, because when he arrives back to his office, there’s a man sitting sideways in the chair that Ann had sat in before.

“Excuse me?”

The stranger startles at his words, turning his head to look at him. He has the nerve to look confused, squinting as he looks at him. “It’s about time.”

“Excuse me?” Goro repeats, “Who let you in here?”

“I’ve been waiting here for over twenty minutes.”

“I- sorry?”

The man smiles, “I accept your apology. Thank you.”

Goro blinks, shaking his head, “No, I wasn’t… Who- I don’t understand.”

He hops over the back of the chair, holding out a hand gloved in red leather, “Ren Amamiya, your new Royal Protector.”

Furrowing his brow, Goro accepts his handshake, “I’m afraid I’m not sure what Ann has told you, but nothing is set in stone yet.”

“Confidence is important.”

“Right,” he nods slowly, moving to take a seat behind his desk.

He almost feels underdressed as he takes in Ren’s appearance. He’s wearing a black coat, tinged with red at the hems, over a black waistcoat and white shirt. When he crosses his legs on top of Goro’s desk, he can see his heeled boots and black pants, baggier at the top, but gripping tight to the flesh at his shins. Blocky, square glasses frame his silver eyes, though they’re almost obscured by his black hair.

Altogether, he doesn’t understand what Ann had meant: he looks average. Though, he supposes, there is something to be said about confidence; it gives him an intoxicating aura, Goro can’t help but trace the movement with his eyes as Ren pulls his glove tighter on his hand.

“Who let you in here?”

“Why? Is someone in trouble?” he smiles, more of a smirk.

“Could you just answer the question?” Goro asks, pushing Ren’s feet off the table.

He falls slightly as his feet hit the floor, giving Goro a playful scoff. “I dunno, some guard. Was I supposed to ask their name?”

Goro sighs, absent-mindedly shuffling through the paperwork on his desk. “It’s dangerous for them to just let anybody up here without asking me. I would hope you’d understand, given the reason you’re here.”

“Mm, no, definitely. Actually, if you wanna talk shop, you probably shouldn’t have your windows open so wide,” he gestures towards said windows with his head, pulling his feet to rest on the other chair instead.

“We’re hardly on the ground floor.”

“Even still. You’d be surprised how far people are willing to climb,” he shrugs as Goro goes to close the windows. “You should probably tell your father that as well.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Didn’t he get a letter from the Phantom Thieves the other night?”

Goro leans his palms against the windowsill, “And how would you know a thing like that?”

He shrugs again, “I’m big into gossip,” a smirk forms on his lips, “and Ann might’ve told me.”

“Ah,” Goro nods, coming back to lean on the edge of his desk. “So you believe this  _ Joker  _ got in through the window?”

“Seems obvious to me.”

“Hm, it might. My father sleeps in the highest point of the palace.”

“Like I said. You’d be surprised how high people will climb.”

“Even for a prank?”

“No. But for a threat, maybe.”

Goro scoffs, rolling his eyes, “It was  _ hardly _ a threat.”

“Ann told me you didn’t even know what it meant.”

He bristles at that, shifting on his feet, “It lacked the proper tone.”

Ren chuckles, “You’re funny. A threat’s a threat, no matter how nicely you say it.”

Clenching his jaw together, he breathes a fake laugh from his nose, “You seem well versed in the language of threats.”

“You have to be, in my line of work.”

“I suppose. Protection, was it?”

“Mm, would you like a reference?”

Goro finds himself laughing for real, “That won’t be necessary. I would like to hear about your work, though.”

“Of course, your Highness, what would you like to know?”

Goro sighs, looking awkwardly down to his feet, “That’s not necessary. The formality.”

Something shifts in Ren as he squints at him, “You don’t like it?”

It sounds like the most genuine thing he’s said in the past ten minutes.

“No, I’m not particularly fond. Not in private, at least. I think it might cause a scene for me to show my distaste publicly.”

“Is there a reason?”

Goro shrugs, turning to sit back on his chair, “You don’t think that’s a little personal?”

Ren hums, laughing, “Maybe. You gonna answer?”

It’s hard to not smile back at him, he finds the corners of his mouth twitching before he can stop them. “No.”

“It was a good try,” Ren says, smirking.

“Mm,” he hums noncommittally, “So, your work? Tell me about your experience.”

“Well, the company I work for specialises in whale oil.”

“And people try to steal that?”

Ren nods, “Not as much as you’d think, but it’s-”

“Extremely volatile, yes.”

“... Yes,” he says, slowly shifting back in his seat “so they need people to, well, make sure it doesn’t explode.”

“But you have worked with  _ people _ before?”

“A few times. That’s more of a hobby.”

Goro frowns at him, “And that means?”

“Freelance.”

“But you’re paid?”

“Quite handsomely, yeah.”

“So how is it a hobby, exactly?”

Ren smiles, “I enjoy it.”

“Right. Of course,” he sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. “What sorts of people hire you?”

“I have a strict  _ no questions asked _ policy.”

“Of course you do.”

Ren scoffs a laugh, “You’re really rude. Has anyone ever told you?”

“I  _ beg  _ your pardon?”

“Rude. You’re rude.”

Goro blinks at him, “You’re not too polite yourself.”

“My thing’s a part of my charm. You just come off mean.”

“Is that what you’re relying on to impress me? Your charm?”

Ren smirks, “Is it working?”

“You just called me mean,” he points out.

“That’s not an answer.”

Goro shrugs, a wry smile on his face. “I must admit, I thought you be more… difficult. Not that you aren’t. You are, in case you were wondering.”

“Thank you.”

“It’s not a compliment.”

“I know.”

He scoffs. “You are intriguing. And I’d bet my father would hate you.”

Ren squints at him, “Is that a good thing? I don’t know that I’d want the Emperor to hate me.”

Goro leans in, narrowing his eyes, “I don’t get that impression from you. Actually, it seems to be the opposite.”

“Do you?”

“Hm,” he nods. “The only respect you’ve shown  _ me _ so far has been sarcastic. I can’t imagine you’ll start knowing your status just for my father’s sake.”

Ren snorts, “You  _ are _ funny.”

“How is that funny?”

“I’m not showing you respect that you think you deserve, yet you haven’t thrown me out of Dunwall Tower.”

“You’re intriguing. As I said.”

“And that’s enough to want me to be your Royal Protector?”

“Who said that?”

“Am I being presumptuous?”

Goro nods, “Yes, I believe so.”

“But am I wrong?”

Smiling, Goro leans back in his chair, “Only because I’m out of options. And you don’t seem… entirely unlikable.”

“Neither do you.”

“Thank you.”

“It wasn’t a compliment,” Ren echoes.

“I know,” Goro says, just to complete the joke. “You’ll do it then?”

“If you’ll have me.”

“Wow, okay. Wonderful,” he breathes. “Unfortunately, there’s a lot of paperwork and protocol involved, not that anyone in this blasted place would know about that.”

“I don’t have to do anything, do I?” he asks, throwing his legs back onto Goro’s desk.

Goro pushes them right back off, “ _ Yes, _ you do.”

“Ugh,” Ren groans, rolling his eyes and sinking in his seat. “I hate paperwork.”

“It’ll mostly be… signatures. Forms and things. You’re the brawn, not the brain, after all.”

“Oh, the impersonal  _ we are not responsible in case of death _ stuff?”

“Um,” Goro looks to his desk, “I suppose.”

He sniffles, and he hopes it’s not obvious, because it’s  _ stupid, _ but the words make him think of Sae. It feels like a few weeks ago that they’d been laughing and joking about paperwork like this, because as if she would ever die in the line of duty. He’d been twelve and she’d been seventeen and nothing had seemed important; only the idea that this meant they’d be friends forever, that she’d be there to help him through anything and everything.

He just feels so alone now. There’s no-one now, no-one for him to look to for answers, no-one to give him guidance. Nobody he can even trust.

“You alright?”

“Hm? Oh, yes, I suppose,” Goro says as he looks up, giving Ren his best attempt at a smile.

“You suppose?” he chuckles. “You just kinda… spaced there for a minute.”

“Well,” he sighs, “just ask Ann, I do it semi-regularly. I have a lot of things to ruminate on.”

“Mm. Must be hard, being the hated Crown Prince.”

Goro just stares at him for a moment in silence, “Sorry, you said hated?”

“Yeah. Obviously not  _ always, _ but now.”

“People hate me?”

Ren gawks at him, “You- right. You don’t know.”

“Know what?”

“Maybe I’m not the best person to tell you.”

“Tell me.”

Ren grimaces, closing his eyes, “The Phantom Thieves took Sae and now everyone thinks she’s…  _ bad. _ ”

“I’m aware.”

“Right- okay. I guess it follows that-”

“People think I was in on it. That I was behind it.”

“... Yeah. Sorry.”

Goro nods solemnly, “Nobody tells me anything. Not when I have visitors, not when my reputation is in taters.”

“Sorry.”

“Ah, don’t be,” he smiles, all tense and plastic, “but you should probably go. You’ll need to pack your things after all.”

“Right,” he nods, brushing his hands off on his pants as he gets up. He holds his hand out to Goro again, “It was nice meeting you.”

“Yes, of course. Likewise. I’ll see you tomorrow for breakfast, we take it around eight. Don’t be late.”

Ren winks at him, “Of course not. Goodbye.”

“Goodbye,” he says just before the door closes.

Nobody tells him a single fucking thing.

His reputation is in the damned gutter and nobody tells him a fucking  _ thing. _

He takes a pen in his hand to write, squeezing until the top of it cracks in his hand. And swallows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> he's finally here ... welcome home
> 
> i said anngoro rights with this one. anngoro is important to me if you couldn't tell  
> also i fucking LOVE writing ren and goro just having this instant rapport UGH my mind...
> 
> thank u for reading this btw !! it fills me with joy to see people leaving comments and kudos aaaa <3  
> (i'm thinking of changing the rating on this. bc when we get to the fuckin i think the jump from g to e is wildin. maybe to an m)


	5. Chapter 5

Ren’s already sitting at the table when Goro comes downstairs the next morning. He’s already eating, and quite messily, Goro might add, confidently grabbing a slice of sausage with the salad fork.

“Good morning,” Goro greets as he makes his way across the room to join him. Ren just gives him a smile, mouth full. “You have, um,” he says, pointing to his own chin. There’s some sauce dripping down the side of Ren’s mouth.

He licks at it with his tongue, “Did I get it?”

“Not exactly, it’s more… higher.”

Ren repeats the motion, “Gone?”

“No,” Goro shakes his head and points to the still-folded napkin by his plate, “use the napkin.”

“Fancy,” he mocks, fruitlessly trying to maintain the napkin’s shape as he wipes at his mouth.

Goro hums an agreement, sitting back in his chair as someone puts a plate full of food in front of him. “How was your night?” he asks, making a show of picking up the right knife and fork. It goes over Ren’s head.

“It was okay. I didn’t get a lot of sleep.”

“Me neither. But that’s par for the course lately.”

“Really? Don’t you have silk sheets and feather pillows?”

Goro inspects him, “And what does that have to do with it?”

He shrugs, “I guess it doesn’t. I just know that  _ I’m  _ gonna be sleeping well tonight.”

And there’s a thought. Ren’s going to be spending the night, every night from now on, in Sae’s bed. The bed she’d slept in for almost a decade. The bed he’d sat in with her while they discussed politics and the future and gossip. The room with the desk that she’d slaved over to educate herself, the shelves with all her books and her one picture of her family, back before it was just Makoto left.

It just feels like another coat of paint over her memory. Goro finds himself growing numb to it.

“Has somebody already shown you to your quarters?”

“I get  _ quarters? _ ” he laughs. “No,” he kicks at the bag by his feet, “but now I’m all excited.”

“It’s not so impressive. Just a room, a study and a bathroom.”

“Well, I lived in one room up until today. So even having a real bed is new.”

“Really?” Goro can’t really imagine that. Admittedly, he does spend most of his free time in his room, reading or writing, but not having the choice to go anywhere else would be horrible. “Why’s that?”

“Why?” he scoffs, “Because I don’t have any money.”

“But you said your work paid well.”

“My regular job barely covered my meals. And the rest of it was not as frequent as you think.”

“So why not just get a better job?”

Ren just gives him a sad smile, “That  _ was _ the better job.”

“Oh,” he chews on his lip. Quietly speaking, he asks, “Are things really that terrible?”

He nods solemnly in response.

Goro can’t really think of anything to say to that. He feels so isolated in this damned prison of a palace, with nobody to give him any news from outside. Sae had done that, whenever she came back from breakfast with Makoto, she’d update him on all the goings on of the Empire. Apparently it wasn’t enough.

It all feels like a calculated effort to keep him blind. Surely his father must know if things are so awful, if poverty is becoming such a big issue. He’d thought the plague was the worst thing happening right now.

But here he is, enjoying the finer luxuries in life. While people starve outside the palace walls.

The doors open, and Goro shoves his fork at his food, uncaring who watches him scowl. Unfortunately, this time it  _ is _ his father.

“Goro,” he says as he stands in the doorway.

Hearing his voice sets of some deep instinct in him, scrambling to his feet and nodding at him. “Father.”

Ren just looks at Goro as he chews his food, pointing at himself. Goro nods again as he slowly brings himself to a standing position. “Will you be joining us?”

“Who’s this?” his father asks instead, coming to take his seat at the head of the table as an apparent answer.

Goro opens his mouth to speak, but Ren is too quick, “I’m Ren Amamiya, Goro’s new Protector,” he says, hand outstretched.

Shido barely offers him a glance as he takes his seat. Goro follows suit, but Ren’s still standing and waiting for his handshake. “Sit down,” Goro hisses at him, giving him a look until he complies. Pouting, he sits back down and goes back to eating.

“I don’t recall him being in the list I gave you.”

And here it fucking comes.

“Yes, well. I wanted to choose for myself.”

Shido tucks the napkin on his lap as a servant hurriedly comes along to serve him. “And you didn’t even consult me?”

“Is it required?”

“No,” he says, jaw set, “but you are still my son. I would have liked to have been included in the conversation.”

Isn’t that rich? There are so many conversations that have undoubtedly happened recently that Goro would’ve liked to be included on.

“My apologies. I wasn’t aware you were that invested, and you have been quite busy recently. I wouldn’t have wanted to interrupt you,” which is as sly a dig as he can reasonably get away with.

Shido turns his face to give him that intense stare that he hates so much, it immediately has him staring meekly into his plate. “You should’ve  _ asked  _ me. I would’ve made time for a discussion.”

As if.

“Of course.”

It’s awkward, sitting with his father having Ren dart his eyes between them both like he’s trying to dissect them both. Goro keeps staring back at him, silently asking him to stop.

“There was something I wanted to discuss,” Shido says, leaving no room for Goro to argue.

“Yes, father?”

“It concerns your public appearances.”

“Oh?” he asks, “What about exactly?”

Shido hums, “I think it would be good for the people to see you.”

Ah. So it’s about his reputation.

“I think it would be appropriate after everything that’s happened.”

“Precisely,” his father says, “so I’ve organised some charity work for you to do.”

_ Ah. _ Damage control. He doesn’t think his father knows what the word ‘charity’ means otherwise.

“With the plague? Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

His worries are supposedly put to rest with a simple wave of Shido’s hand, “You’re drinking your health elixirs, correct?”

“Yes,” he nods, immediately filling his mouth with a forkful of breakfast to distract from the sense memory of the elixirs. Horribly viscous liquids that are hard to swallow down without retching, not to mention the disgusting taste: all rotten fish and salt. Goro wouldn’t drink them at all if he wasn’t so afraid of the plague.

“Then you have nothing to worry about.”

“Right. Of course.”

He can’t say it ever feels good, to appease his father with useless, empty pleasantries after being spoken  _ at. _ It never feels exactly like a conversation, more like a patchwork quilt of one. Half meeting with his boss, half list of commands. And Goro’s only purpose is to affirm the fact that he is still listening.

It’s stupid, really, that he’d still have any hope that his father would treat him like his son for once. He hates,  _ hates, _ feeling like he’s being used, but he’d go through it a million times if it meant that he would get to feel his father’s love.

So he tries. He couldn’t say whether it’s really worth it.

“And I’ve begun planning a charity ball in your name.”

_ ‘I’ve begun’, _ that’s funny. Almost like some poor servants aren’t scrambling around the palace, desperate to meet his demands while he sits, drinking  _ wine _ at the breakfast table.

“A ball?” Ren asks, looking far too excited. Balls are hard work and they drain an entire year’s worth of his social battery. Though, Ren probably won’t have that problem.

Shido looks at him and not Ren, acting as though he’d spoken instead, “Yes. In a few weeks time. It would be good for your… image.”

Goro just stares at him for a moment, “Thank you, father. What kind of charity?”

“Does it matter?” Goro watches as Ren’s face twists.

“Of course not,” and he does a horrible job of repressing his sigh, “thank you, father.”

“Hm,” he nods. And the awkward silence descends once more.

This one’s much longer, way more palpable of an energy. It’s thrumming in his head like a heartbeat, solely focused on shovelling food in his mouth in a less-than-poised manner so he can escort Ren out of this room before he decides to quit on him.

Unfortunately, his father has other ideas.

“So, Amamiya, was it?”

“Yeah,” he nods.

Goro kicks him under the table.

“I mean,  _ yes, _ your Imperial Majesty.”

“Amamiya, would your father happen to be the owner of the distillery downtown?”

“Actually, your Majesty, my family’s from Baleton.”

Shido hums, “Rather long way from home.”

“Well, I get around.”

“Though,” Goro cuts in, “not anymore.”

Ren smiles at him, “Duh.”

Shutting his eyes, Goro sighs and clears his throat. They’ll be cutting breakfast short then. “Right. Father, thank you for having breakfast with me; I know how busy you are, but I must take Ren to see the palace.”

“But I’m not-”

“Now. Ren,” he says, nodding. Ren frowns, but gets up, starting to leave. “Bow,” Goro hisses at him.

“What?” he mouths, squinting at him.

“Bow,” he whispers a little louder, accompanying it with a minute gesture.

“Oh,” Ren nods, turning to bow quickly and shallowly, before going to leave the room. 

Goro follows him, but Shido grabs his arm tightly as he passes. “He requires training,” he says, like Ren’s some sort of dog.

“I’ll see to it,” but her doesn’t really have any real intention to. Ren being untamed is his main selling point. His father not liking it is the entire point. If it causes Goro grief to hear about it, then that only means that it’s working.

Ren’s smiling that stupid smile at him as the dining room doors close behind them, “So. Tour?”

* * *

“This is mine?” Ren asks as Goro pushes the door open for his quarters.

“Yes,” Goro sighs. The bedroom feels new somehow, even though he’s been inside a hundred times before.

It’s a simple enough space: a bed, a few chairs, bookshelves and a wardrobe. Goro actually has always privately thought it to be a little lacking, but Ren seems happy enough.

He flops back onto his bed, rubbing his face into the sleep, “Fuck. This is insane.”

Goro stays by the door, “It’s just a blanket.”

Ren shakes his head at him, “You don’t get how lucky you are, do you?”

“Just say I’m spoiled and get it over with.”

“No,” he says, “don’t put words in my mouth. You just don’t know anything else. It’s fine.”

“I suppose.”

“You’re lucky, but you’re missing out on a lot.”

Goro scoffs, “Like what? Rats and dying young?”

Ren’s brow furrows, “Is that a joke to you?”

“Of course not. I just don’t see what else I could possibly be missing.”

“Freedom.”

Snorting, Goro gingerly takes a seat on the arm of one of Ren’s chairs, “A nice idea.”

“It’s real. I could show it to you sometime.”

“Um. No, thank you.”

“What?” Ren smirks, “Scared?”

“I just don’t think we should… um-  _ hang out _ outside of being professional.”

Ren squints at him, “What?”

“We don’t need to be friends, is what I’m saying.”

“You don’t want to be friends?”

“Not particularly.”

Ren snorts, “You don’t even know me.”

“Well. I’d like to keep it that way.”

Laughing, Ren rolls over on his bed, “And here I was about to suggest we play twenty questions.”

“I don’t know what that is.”

“You’ve never played twenty questions?”

“No.”

“Do you want to?”

“I’m afraid I don’t know how.”

“It’s easy. It’s not really a game, you just ask the other person questions.”

“Oh, so it’s an icebreaker. Then no.”

Ren smirks, “You sound like a coward.”

Goro narrows his eyes at him, “I’m no coward.”

“Then ask me a question.”

“You go first.”

“Do you hate me?”

Goro scoffs, “No. I don’t  _ know _ you. Why would I hate you?”

“Is that your question?”

“Yes. Answer it.”

Ren huffs a laugh out of his nose, “Because I’m a street rat?”

“That’s not a reason to hate somebody.”

“It is for some of the people I’ve met. One of the people I met today, actually.”

Goro laughs at him, “I should’ve warned you about him.”

“Warned me about the most powerful man in all the Empire? I think I held up alright.”

“He hates you.”

“Oh, yeah.”

Goro giggles at him, “You’re okay with that?”

“You told me he would, right? I prepared myself.”

“You are… the strangest man I’ve ever met.”

“Oh, so that’s why you don’t want to be friends with me?”

“Be quiet. Whose turn is it?”

“Well, if you don’t want to answer that question, I guess it’s still mine.”

“Ask away.”

“Hm. Do you hate your dad?”

Goro bristles, “Hate’s a strong word.”

“Do you?”

“ _ Yes, _ ” he says, “of course I do. He’s revolting.”

Ren smirks at him, “Is that why you really picked me to be your Protector? To piss him off?”

“I believe it’s my turn to ask a question.”

“Alright,” he snorts, “go ahead.”

Goro looks at him for a moment, watching him lie across Sae’s bed-  _ his  _ bed, starfishing and just running his gloved hands on the material. It can’t be for the sensation of touch, so perhaps it’s simply to feel the soft, easy glide. It’s strange, Goro thinks, he should just remove his gloves.

Ren’s leaning his head up to look at him with expectant eyes when he stops watching his hands. “You gonna ask?”

“I’m thinking.”

He lets his head drop with a sigh, “It’s not that hard. Ask me anything, I don’t care if it’s boring.”

“Okay. Um. What’s your favourite drink?”

“Boring,” he snorts. “Alcoholic or not?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Mm, well, it’s coffee. Especially when you make it with these beans from that place in, um, northern Serkonos, I forget the name, uh…”

“Cullero beans?”

Ren snaps his fingers, “Yeah! Those. Though I don’t really have the money to splash out on them much.”

“That’s fine,” Goro shrugs, “we have them in the kitchens.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yes. Sae used to drink them with whiskey. I doubt they’ll have gone bad yet.”

“She sounds like my kind of girl.”

He pulls a face at him, “I beg your pardon?”

Blanching, Ren makes a choked off noise, “I just meant- I think we would’ve gotten along.”

Goro relaxes back onto the arm of the chair, “Perhaps. She was a wonderful woman.”

“I bet,” Ren nods, a little frown apparent on his face.

And this wasn’t really how he wanted the conversation to go, but it’s how most of his conversations these days seem to end up. Not that he really wanted to have  _ this  _ conversation anyway, but he’s a sucker for taking obvious bait.

“It’s, ah, your turn,” he says, just to get them back on track. He should really stop making things so awkward.

“Do you like coffee?”

“I prefer tea.”

“What kind?”

“Considering you suggested this game, you’re awfully bad at playing it.”

Ren groans, “You give me such shallow answers.”

“You ask shallow questions. Why do you like Cullero coffee beans?”

“They have just the right amount of sweetness,” he shrugs.

“No, I meant- they’re very expensive.”

“Yes.”

“Well,” he stutters, “well, I thought you were poor.”

“And? Are the poor not allowed small luxuries?”

Goro rolls his eyes, “How did you afford them?”

“It’s not your turn,” Ren says, twisting on the mattress to stick out his tongue at Goro.

“But it was my original intention to ask.”

“It counts. It’s my turn.” Goro huffs at him but lets him continue, “What kind of tea do you like?”

“Chamomile. How can you afford Cullero beans?”

“Fuck. Too shallow,” he scolds himself, smiling. “My dad owns a coffee shop.”

“In Baleton?”

“Nope.”

“But you’re  _ from _ Baleton?”

“I think that’s too many questions.”

“Well, I think this game is stupid and juvenile.”

“That’s what makes it so fun.”

Goro scoffs, “You… You are like nobody I’ve ever met.”

“Thank you. What do like about chamomile tea?”

“I don’t know,” he shrugs, “it’s healthy. Calming.”

“You like it because it’s healthy?”

“Is that another question?”

He smirks at him, “No, I’m confirming.”

“Yes, I like it because it’s healthy.”

“That’s not a reason to like something.”

“I like how it tastes. What do you want from me?”

Ren pushes himself so that his head’s hanging off the edge of the bed. “Honesty.”

He has to snort at that, “If you’re big on honesty, then you’re in the wrong line of work.”

Ren just smiles at him, “It’s your turn.”

“What’s the story with your father’s coffee shop?”

“There’s no story.”

“Don’t play the fool. Why isn’t it in Baleton?”

“Because it’s in Dunwall?” he says, smirking.

“Do you make it your life’s purpose to be annoying, or does it come naturally?”

“Bit of both,” he jokes, but his face softens. “It’s just a personal question. He’s my adoptive dad.”

“Oh. Sorry,” Goro nods.

“Do I get to ask you a personal question now?”

“Are you sick of asking me about my tea choices?”

“A little,” he chuckles.

“Ask me your personal question then.”

“Hm,” he taps at his chin, “when was the last time you came?”

Goro splutters on his own saliva, “ _ Excuse _ me?”

Ren guffaws, “What? Pretty Crown Prince doesn’t have sex?”

“I- That’s- You- That’s entirely none of your business!”

“Aw! You’re going so pink!”

“Be quiet! I can’t believe you’d ask me that!”

“You said I could ask a personal question,” he laughs.

“I thought you would ask me about my family or something.”

“Everyone already knows everything about your family. I’m only here for the juicy stuff.”

“You’re not funny.”

“I’m not joking. Are you gonna answer?”

“No! Would you?”

Ren shrugs, “I wouldn’t have asked otherwise.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. Why not?”

“It’s- It’s obscene. It’s inappropriate.”

“You’re so embarrassed.”

“Of course I am. Ask me something else.”

Ren voices a frown, “Fine.”

Before Ren can answer, Goro has a thought, “Did you call me pretty?”

“Sorry, I thought it was my turn to ask a question?”

Huffing, Goro rolls his eyes, “Hurry up. Ask me about tea again.”

“Fuck, no, I’m not wasting my personal question on tea.”

“Fine. Just… don’t ask me about-  _ that. _ ”

Ren gets a cocky smirk on his face, “Coward.”

“Don’t. It’s not funny.”

“I said I’m not joking. I think you’re a coward.”

“I’m not answering you.”

“Because you’re a coward.”

Goro’s scowling at him, arms folded across his chest. “It’s not working.”

“No, I know. Coward.”

“Ask me. Your question.”

Ren smiles at him, “Why don’t you want to be friends with me?”

Goro shakes his head, forcing the smile from his lips, “I don’t think it’s appropriate. Or necessary.”

“But it was appropriate for you to have your family friend as Royal Protector?”

“That’s not- Why would you even- That’s entirely none of your business. How dare you?”

Ren scoffs, “It’s a fair question.”

“No, it isn’t. You have no idea what you’re talking about. I’d appreciate it if you dropped the subject.”

“I just don’t see the harm.”

“Exactly.  _ I _ see the harm.  _ I _ know what I’m talking about. So drop it.”

Ren moves his head, lying back flat on the bed. “Fine.”

“Good.”

It’s silent for a moment, Ren fiddling with the wood of his headboard and Goro just taking deep breaths. Of course he doesn’t want to be friends with Ren, for the same reason he should’ve never been friends with Sae - or he should’ve never had her for his Protector. The whole purpose of a Protector is to put their life at risk for Goro.

Ren shouldn’t blame him for not wanting to get attached again.

“Are you gonna ask me a question?”

“I don’t think I want to play anymore.”

“Oh,” Ren says quietly.

“I think that perhaps I should take my leave. I have some work to take care of, and you should unpack. Make yourself at home,” Goro says, lifting himself from the arm of the chair and making his way to Ren’s door.

“I don’t have that much. I’ll join you later.”

Goro laughs placatingly, “Perhaps just take the day.”

And either Ren doesn’t know a dismissal when he hears one, or he just doesn’t care, “I’ll join you.”

Closing his eyes, Goro sighs into the wood of the door. “Fine,” he nods, pushing the door open and leaving.

It’s not that he finds joy in being cruel to Ren. He honestly thinks that perhaps in another life, they could be friends, if he wasn’t bound by circumstance and duty and  _ hurting. _ It’s obvious they have a good rapport, it’s just…

It’s not enough.

It’s not worth the heartache.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a heads up i'm probably not gonna be updating this as frequently anymore. mayb like every week? just because nothing is turning out how i want it right now so i'm writing ahead of what i'm posting just so i can see how it all fits together a little better
> 
> ur kudos and comments are appreciated (even if i can't respond bc i'm shy) and they fuel me :) thank you


	6. Chapter 6

So far, Goro’s morning bath has been interrupted twice.

Once by a well meaning Yuuki Mishima, who only wanted to pass on a message from his father. In all fairness, Mishima hadn’t known he’d been in the bath, had just been calling his name and knocking on all of the doors of his quarters. He’d started to push the door open before Goro had essentially squeaked in fright, causing Mishima to squeak too and shove his body against the opposite side of the corridor wall.

“Sorry, your Highness,” he’d said.

And, of course, Goro had rolled his eyes and replied, “Mishima, I told you to just call me Goro.”

Maybe it should be strange, talking to people while he’s in the bath, perhaps he should feel vulnerable, but it’s something he’s grown accustomed to. He’s spent most of his life being waited on hand and foot, after all.

Ann hadn’t bothered with knocking.

She’d just came to his bathroom door and called his name, asking whether they were still on for their fitting tomorrow, or did they need to reschedule because of the publicity events he was now doing instead?

“No,” he’d answered, “no, it shouldn’t interfere with the fitting.”

“Great!” and he’d heard her snap something shut, perhaps a notebook, and then leave without saying goodbye. He’d sarcastically called it for her when she was out of earshot.

Really, Goro should stop expecting to have moments to himself. Any that he gets from now on should be considered a luxury, because he certainly won’t be getting any when he’s Emperor, that’s for sure.

And he’s going to make good on that resolution right now, he thinks, as he sinks his chin below the surface of the steaming water, blowing at the bubbles around his mouth until they pop. He closes his eyes, not necessarily sleepy but he certainly wouldn’t say no to a nap. Sinking further, he goes until only his nose is above the water, bending his knees slightly to fit in the clawed tub. It’s sort of dangerous to sit like this; he’s terribly close to drowning if he drops off for even a moment, but it feels nice to have the hot water on his jaw muscles, his neck, shoulders. It’s intensely relaxing, like a warm massage, the tension seeps out of his pores.

He hadn’t used his mother’s bath salts this time, just some rosewater and bubbles. The rosewater fills the room with a sweet, floral scent, makes him more relaxed and softens his skin. The bubbles are just to appease his inner child.

He’d be embarrassed, but who’s going to find out?

Of course, because he is the Void’s least favourite creation, Ren slams open the door with a hearty “Good morning!”

Goro screams, arms instinctively moving to cover himself under the water.

Ren screams too and slams the door behind him.

Goro covers his mouth, and Ren stops screaming around the same time, waiting for a beat to pass before he speaks, “Why are we screaming?”

“You’re- Get out!”

“What for?”

“I’m in the bath?” he says, body turned inward and eyes wide.

“Oh,” he waves him off, “I don’t care.”

“I care, get out!”

Ren rolls his eyes, “I can’t even see anything, you used too much bubble bath.”

Goro groans, self-consciously pulling the bubbles closer. “What do you want?”

“I’m just saying hello, is that a crime?”

Goro scowls at him, “I think perhaps it should be.”

He sticks his tongue out, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall, “I was coming to ask if you were almost dressed, because we have to be at the soup kitchen soon.”

“How soon?”

Ren pulls his sleeve back to look at his non-existent watch, and Goro takes a moment to wonder why he’s already wearing his gloves in the steamy room. “In about thirty minutes.”

Usually, Goro would just make people wait for him, but considering this is  _ supposed _ to be about fixing his image, he should really make an actual effort to be punctual. “How long is the carriage ride?”

“About twenty minutes? So you have ten minutes.”

Goro lets his head hit the rim of the tub, “Fuck.”

“Yeah,” Ren grins, “chop, chop.”

Goro watches as he turns around and leaves the room, giving Goro a wave before he goes. He rolls his eyes once the door clicks shut. Not really emotionally ready to leave the warm bath, he sits for another few seconds, trying to get back into the relaxed headspace but it’s a futile effort. All he can think about now is how late he’s going to be, what excuses he can pull out of thin air so nobody accuses him of being the spoiled brat he really is.

Sighing, he pulls the plug on his bath and steps onto the mat, taking a towel from the counter to dry himself off. He hasn’t even decided what he’s going to wear yet, and now he has around nine minutes to decide and change.

He sighs again, rubbing a towel gently against his hair. He’s going to have to deal with that too, isn’t he? His hair’s always far too frizzy after a bath, after being towel-dried. Staring at himself in the fogged up mirror, clearing space for a gap with the towel, he takes a hair tie from the pile on his counter and pulls his hair to the nape of his neck, pulling the tie tight once, twice and a third time. That’ll do.

And who cares what he wears? He’ll be wearing an apron over it anyway.

Well, Goro cares, really. He has to get his picture taken. For tomorrow’s newspapers.

Maybe he should just give up being Crown Prince. Wouldn’t that be nice?

* * *

He’s a minute late to the soup kitchen in the end.

It doesn’t really matter, they haven’t started serving yet, but either way his arrival causes a stir. Ren actually looks sort of nervous when people start crowding the street they’re on, puffing himself up and doing his best to look intimidating while Goro speaks to the owners.

It’s sort of cute, really.

“So everybody gets two ladles of the soup and a slice of bread. If you give someone too much, we’ll probably run out before everyone gets their fill.”

Goro’s tying his apron behind his back, shaking his ponytail out of the loop as he speaks, “Are you sure we’ll have enough anyway? There are quite a few people here.”

The lady who runs the kitchen waves him off, “Most of these people are just here to see you. But, I must tell you, our numbers have been on an incline these past few months. We can’t feed everybody.”

There’s a thick layer of blame that laces her words, Goro feels it hit him full force in the stomach like a physical hit. He swallows the urge to walk away and go home, “Yes. I’ve been trying to discuss these issues with my father, but he’s very busy with his duties.”

“We could just use some support is all. Some funding.”

“Of course, but so does everyone else, you understand.”

Not that Goro wouldn’t love to deplete the royal Akechi fortune, give it all away and help everyone else, but he can't. Not when his father has a vice grip on the gold reserves.

If there’s even any left at this point with how much he spends. Wastes, more like, on activities such as useless balls and fancy auctions.

“Can I help?” he hears Ren ask from his side.

“Of course you can, sweetie,” the woman says, turning to hand him an apron. “We need all hands on deck around here.”

Ren turns to look at him, silently asking him for permission. “Are you sure you can do your job at the same time?”

He pulls his mouth to one side, “Maybe not.”

Goro grabs his gloved hand as he goes to put his apron away, “It’s fine. Just keep an eye out for trouble.”

“You sure?”

“Who’s going to attempt an assassination at a charity event?”

Ren frowns at him, “These people. They probably hate you the most. And they have nothing to lose.”

“Perhaps.”

Ren hums an affirmation, “Yeah.”

“Do  _ you _ hate me?” he asks, taking the lid off of the soup pot. He can’t say the smell leaves anything to be desired, and it’s almost a solid brown colour. Maybe he should just donate better soup instead of his time.

“You’re the one who doesn’t want to be friends with me, remember?”

“That’s not an answer,” he says, attempting to ladle a strange layer of film on top of the soup. Yes, he should definitely look into getting them better soup.

Ren peers over the side, “That’s gross.”

“I asked you a question,” he says as he looks across at him.

“I asked _you_ one,” Ren shrugs, meeting his gaze.

“I think we should at least get along.”

“But not be friends.”

“Precisely, so do you hate me?”

“Not  _ you _ as a person.”

“But still me?”

“No. The  _ concept _ of you.”

Goro pulls a face, “That doesn't make any sense at all .”

Ren doesn’t get to reply before people start forming a line, picking up plates and bowls, coming to get their two spoonfuls of soup from Goro.

“You give out the bread,” he says, nudging Ren in the ribs to get his attention.

“Yeah, I know. One slice, right?”

“Yes,” he nods, prince smile on, as he begins to pour out soup for people.

It’s decently monotonous, easy and simple. He exchanges brief pleasantries with people, shaking hands, listening to the cliffnotes versions of their stories; it’s fairly standard as charity work goes. It’s fun, for the first few minutes, but he finds his social battery quickly draining. His brain starts wondering if he can still catch the plague through his paper thin gloves, if it’s already sitting in his lungs.

It’s like he can feel the disease growing in his hair, his eyes, the back of his throat.

He’s about to make a dive for his bottle of elixir when he’s brought out of his reprieve by a little girl standing in front of him.

“Are you the Crown Prince?” she asks him as he steadies her bowl for her. He nods, humming for her. “What’s it like?”

“It’s,” and he’s suddenly reminded that he does not know the first thing about talking to children, “very… nice.”

Ren scoffs next to him as he puts a piece of bread on her plate, “It’s amazing. Really fancy. Do you like books?”

The girl nods so hard that Goro’s worried her tiny, little neck might break, “Ahuh.”

“Did you know they have a really big library? With any book you want?”

“Any book?”

“Yeah. Any book,  _ every _ book.”

The girl smiles, all missing teeth and bouncing, brown pigtails, and turns to run to a table with her family: a father and a brother.

Goro looks at her again as she leaves, pouring soup for the man in front of him. “Ren, can you get me my book from my bag?”

“What for?”

“I want you to give it to her.”

Ren turns towards the chair Goro had placed his bag on. He rifles through, finding the book almost immediately and coming back, flipping it over in his hands, “What are you reading?”

Goro shrugs, stirring the soup so the film doesn’t settle, “It doesn’t matter. It’s a first edition.”

“Oh, wow,” he says, gently placing the book down next to the loaves of bread. “I’ll do it later, if that’s okay?”

“No, I can handle this, you go. Make sure they know that it’s- well, worth something.”

Ren nods, a small smile on his lips as he goes to crouch by the girl’s family’s table. It’s hard to dish out soup and cut the bread at the same time while he watches him interact with her, but somehow he manages. He slides the book into her lap, grinning at her as she immediately clutches it to her chest. Her father must speak, because his head spins to look at the man, he might say something but Goro can’t really tell at this angle, and then he’s looking back at the girl, pressing her nose with his index finger and making her giggle. He says something to her, pointing at Goro and making her look at him. Goro gives her a wave as well as he can while his hands are busy, not so much the regal waves he’s used to, more a wiggling of his fingers.

She waves back, showing him the gaps between her teeth again in a smile.

Ren talks to her father again, but she keeps watching Goro and smiling. He really can’t help but smile back. She gets up off her chair as Ren starts to leave, following him until he stops and wrapping her arms around his legs. He picks her up to give her a proper hug, squeezing her and making her laugh.

Goro slices through his thumb as he’s cutting the loaf of bread.

“Ow, fuck,” he curses under his breath, shaking out his hand as if that will stop the bleeding. Of course, somebody gets his picture as he pulls the glove to his teeth to attempt to take it off and still feed people their soup at the same time.

“Are you alright?” Ren asks, brow furrowed as he comes back behind the counters.

“Yes, fine. I just cut my thumb, is all.”

Ren takes his hand in his, running the red leather over his thumb to inspect the damage, “You’ll live. I’ll get a bandage.”

The person standing in front of him at the soup pot clears their throat, and Goro stops watching Ren go to ask the owner for a bandage. “Ah, my apologies,” he smiles at the man, getting a scowl back for his trouble, “I should be more careful in the kitchen.”

He waves his thumb at the man, who just gives it a glance and holds out his bowl. Which is honestly fair.

Ren’s gone for the amount of time it takes for him to serve five people. He only has one usable hand now, unless he wants to bleed all over the bread, so he just allows people to cut their own, keeping a watchful eye, and calling out the one woman who tries to cut herself a piece that’s far too thick.

He’s pretty sure someone gets a photo of him smiling as he yells at her.

“Hold out your thumb,” Ren says when he gets back, patting Goro on the shoulder and making him jump. He spills his ladle back into the pot.

“Sorry,” he says to the person he’s trying to serve, “give me one moment.” Ren wraps his fingers around Goro’s wrist, holding him steady as he wraps the white bandage around Goro’s thumb, mopping up the rest of the blood with the excess.

“There you go. Should I kiss it better too?”

Goro snatches his hand away, “Don’t make jokes like that in public.”

“Oh, so you’re fine with it in private?” he laughs, picking up the knife to start cutting into the bread again.

“No,” he scowls at him.

Ren breathes out a chuckle, flashing Goro what has become his signature smirk before going back to serving people.

The queue starts thinning out after that, with most people either seated or having been kicked out for just wanting a glimpse of the Crown Prince by the owner. There’s still some soup and bread left, so they give second helpings to whoever asks so long as they promise to keep it a secret, Ren puts his finger to his lips and Goro laughs.

The little girl he gave his book to comes back too, no doubt at the behest of her parent, but not for soup. Ren lifts her up over the counter, nearly knocking the pot over in the process, and she quickly attaches herself to Goro’s leg. He hears several cameras flash at the obvious photo opportunity, but he really wishes he didn’t. Not only does he find it cheap, but he’d really rather not have a young child clinging to his leg.

Ren just laughs, encouraging her while Goro stares at him for help, his hands awkwardly hovering over her head. She tugs on his bandaged thumb, making him yelp as he sinks to his knees to be on face-level with her.

“Oh! Sorry!” she says with wide eyes.

“No, it’s fine,” he tries, smiling with what he can only hope  _ isn’t  _ awkwardness.

“I came to say thank you.”

“It’s my pleasure,” and holy  _ fuck, _ how do you talk to children, “I could send you more books you can actually read if you’d like? I’m afraid I’m too old for some of them anymore.”

She nods again, her fierce, almost scary nod.

“I’ll have someone come speak to your father. Is that okay?”

“Ahuh,” she smiles.

“Wonderful. Did you want some more soup? We have some left over.”

“I’m good.”

“Alright, well. You should be getting back to your father, yes?” he asks, tentatively patting her on the head. He attempts to start getting up, but she pulls him into another tight hug. “Oh!”

“Thank you, your Highness.”

He finds himself hugging her back.

She kisses his cheek as she lets him go, attempting to climb over the counter herself before Ren stops her and hauls her over himself. He waves at her as she skips back to her table though only her family waves back as she has her back to them.

“Do you have siblings?” Goro asks as he watches the girl hop onto her father’s seat alongside him.

“Yeah. Sisters.”

“Mm. I thought as much. You were very good with her.”

“So were you, I’d thought you would at least yell at her once.”

Goro scoffs, “I’m not an awful person.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“I would never yell at a child.”

“Yeah, well. It was mostly a joke. Though, I’ll say, I didn’t think you would be so generous to her.”

He snorts, turning to lean his back and hands against the counter, “I gave her a  _ book _ . I’m hardly a philanthropist.”

“You said it was a first edition.”

Goro shrugs, “It is.”

“How much is it worth?”

“I’m not sure. A decent sum, most likely.”

Ren regards him with this strange look in his eyes, “And you’d just give it away to some kid you don’t even know?”

“What else am I going to do with it? Let it collect dust on my shelf?”

“You  _ were  _ reading it,” Ren points out.

“It was dreadfully boring.”

He has a smirk on his face, “Is that true?”

“Yes. Why would I lie?"

Ren shrugs, "Wouldn't want people knowing you're going soft."

"Isn't that the point of this whole thing? And it truly _was_ boring. The ending was painfully obvious.”

“And what was the ending?”

“The two characters overcome all obstacles and fall in love.”

“You were reading a romance?”

“Yes. Literature is literature no matter the genre.”

Ren snorts, “Did it get steamy?”

“Are you asking me if I knowingly gave erotica to a child?”

“Well, you didn’t exactly intend for her to  _ read _ it.”

“I suppose not. However, it did not get _'steamy',_ ” Goro laughs. “Though, if  _ you’re _ interested, I think there’s probably a section in our library that could cater to you.”

“At my reading level?”

“You aren’t good at reading?”

“I can get by.”

“Hm. I suppose it doesn’t much matter if you’re reading pornography.”

Ren laughs, and comes to lean against the counter next to Goro, “But how am I supposed to get invested in the scene?”

Goro pulls a face at him, trying to put some distance between them, “I’m afraid you’ll have to figure that one out on your own.”

“You get so blushy whenever I talk about this.”

Scowling, Goro rubs at his cheeks with his sleeve, like he can push the blood from the vessels, “It’s not proper.”

“Well,  _ I’m _ not proper.”

“It’s not too late for you.”

Ren bops him on the nose like he did the girl, “You’re cute. I don’t want to be proper.”

“ _ Don’t _ call me that,” he says, pulling his head away from Ren. “You act far too familiar with me.”

Ren rolls his eyes, “You were definitely playing along.”

“I was not,” he sighs, pushing himself off the counter and making his way over to the owner, thinking of something to discuss on the way. Anything to escape that conversation.

So maybe he's a liar. Maybe he really does like bantering with Ren. Maybe he does like _playing along._

It's just... he’s lonely. And Ren feels like the easiest person in the world to get along with, encouraging him comes naturally. He wishes it didn’t, he wishes Ren was someone he could hate so that he didn’t care whether he lived or died. Caring is just… too hard.

_ Emotions _ are fucking hard. Sometimes he wishes he was blank, no sadness or anger, he’d even give up  _ joy _ just to not care so much.

“Is there anything else you need help with?”

She clasps him on the shoulder, “Nothing for a Crown Prince. Perhaps your Protector can help?”

“Nonsense, I can do anything he can do.”

A surprised smile makes it way across her face. “We have some trash to take out.”

“That’s fine, I can take it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course,” he smiles.

Anything to take his mind off of things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *puts mishima in my au before most of the phantom thieves* finally. all is good in the world.
> 
> (i know i said i wasn't going to update to sort out . well . the plot . but then i wrote 10k words in like four days so)  
> ((the chapter after this is the one that is really giving me trouble anyways. who cares. we all die))


	7. Chapter 7

Ren and Ann have a strange relationship. It’s somehow adjacent to how he imagines siblings to be, but decidedly  _ not  _ siblings. Definitely not romantic either, she seems to be the only person Ren won’t flirt with.

Because, well, Ren  _ has _ flirted with almost everyone they’ve come across so far.

Goro can’t really imagine having the nerve to flirt so freely, perhaps if he wasn’t surrounded by so many expectations. Everything in his life seems so important, too important to put in jeopardy like that. But perhaps he should give it a try sometime, if only to get a break from it all. Though, watching Ren doesn’t exactly fill him with excitement at the prospect.

Ren flirts with people and they tend to just snort back at him, and Goro privately thinks the rejection is quite humiliating. He would certainly be embarrassed by the consistent rebuffing.

Then again, Ren seems to flirt with anything with a pulse, so maybe it’s all just a big joke to him. Goro certainly wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case.

In fact, yes, that’s probably exactly the case.

Goro holds his arms out while Ann measures the width of his shoulders, and says, “So, how exactly do you two know each other?”

The two share a look like they’re both hoping the other remembers, because they don’t. The room’s silent for a good moment before Goro speaks again, “I really didn’t think it was that hard of a question.”

“It’s not,” Ann says.

“No,” Ren says at the same time.

Goro just raises his brow. Ann takes the tape measure off of him and turns to her desk, with a pencil in hand. Ren takes her spot in front of him as Goro relaxes his posture, “Ann was one of the first people I met when I first came to Dunwall.”

“How long ago was that?”

Ren turns his head to look at Ann who doesn’t bother to look at him back, “Hm. A year or so?”

“After the plague started?”

“Oh, way after,” he nods.

Ann comes to drape some fabric around his arm, pushing Ren out of the way. She pins it so it hangs on him like a sleeve. “Why would you come here during a plague?” Goro asks as Ann steps back to admire him.

“No, keep your arms up,” she scolds, bending underneath him to hold him up herself. “How does it look, Ren?”

“Why are you dressing him in green?”

“I haven’t ordered the fabric yet, just pretend like it’s white.”

“It looks fine,” Ren rolls his eyes at her before bringing them back to Goro, “and I liked the scenery.”

“Of Dunwall?” Dunwall isn’t exactly a pretty place. It used to be, but not since the rats put the city in a chokehold. Now it’s just fog and blood and waste.

He puts his hand to his chest in mock offence, “The Crown Prince would imply his home is ugly?”

“You’re very good at changing the subject.”

“You’re so paranoid,” he laughs, “I’m just following the flow of our conversation.”

“Goro’s right,” Ann says, her tongue peeking out of the side of her lips as she sticks even more pins into the fabric on his arm, “you change the subject all the time. It’s because he doesn’t like talking about himself.”

“ _ Ann, _ ” he pouts.

“Thank you, Ann.”

“It’s the truth,” she says, tilting her head back to blow a raspberry at Ren. Ren blows one right back. Goro didn’t know people actually behaved like that.

“You weren’t working here a year ago, were you, Ann?”

“Nope,” she smiles up at him, “I met this idiot at my old job.”

“And where was that?”

“A dress shop in Drapers Ward. Ren came in and asked me to make him those ridiculous gloves.”

“It’s not like you had any other customers,” Ren says, “and my gloves are nice.”

Ann laughs as he pulls the glove taut on his hand. “They draw attention away from your cute, little face,” she cooes, standing to pull at his cheeks. He just lets her, but he scowls under her attention.

“You remind me of a cat,” Goro says as he watches.

“Oh! Watch this!”

“No, Ann-” Ren tries to catch her hand as she moves, but she’s too fast, easily getting her hand around the back of his neck and scratching.

Goro just watches for a moment, “And what exactly am I- Ah.” Ren begins to purr under Ann’s touch, loud and rumbly and straight from his chest. Ann just scratches him harder as praise.

“Stop, stop,” he grumbles, pawing at her with his gloves.

Chuckling, Goro relaxes his pose, “I don’t believe you’re helping your case. You’re a human-sized cat.”

Ren frowns, grabbing Ann’s arm and pulling her off of him. “Leave me alone.”

Ann grins at Goro, “Definitely a cat.”

“So long as I can be Goro’s lap cat,” he says, miming lapping at his hand.

“Definitely not,” and Goro cannot be blushing at that in front of Ann, he will not let it happen, he will not-

She giggles, rising him from his thoughts, “Are you  _ blushing? _ ”

“Ann, he blushes at everything,” Ren says, grinning.

“I do not.”

Ren just smirks and says, “Goro, you look really nice today.”

Goro scowls at him as he feels his cheeks heat up further.

“Oh my gosh, that is so adorable. I wanna try,” she says, coming to stand in close and inspect his cheeks. “You’re really pretty.”

Goro just stares at the ceiling and waits for her triumphant giggle. “Why aren’t you blushing?”

“You’re not being nice enough. He already knows he’s pretty,” Ren explains.

“You think I’m so conceited.”

“Well, you  _ are _ conceited.”

“You are kinda conceited,” Ann agrees, dutifully nodding her head. “But you’re a really good friend and I’m glad to have you in my life.”

Ren clicks his tongue at her, “That’s not gonna work.”

“You  _ said _ he blushes at everything!”

“I was exaggerating.”

She hits him on the arm, “Don’t play with my emotions like that!”

“I didn’t know you’d get so invested in making him blush!”

“Well, I  _ am, _ now tell me what to say to him.”

Goro rolls his eyes, “I am in fact, still here.”

“Shush,” Ann hisses, putting a finger to his lips.

Ren regards him for a moment, before he snaps his fingers, “You should talk to him about sex. That’ll do it.”

Ann opens her mouth, eyes glistening with hope, but Goro slaps his hand over her lips, “Say a single word and I will have you fired.”

“Oh, but you like it so much when I do it,” Ren says, coming to play with his hair. Goro knocks his hand away, but he  _ knows _ he’s blushing furiously.

Ann licks a stripe up his hand, causing him to flinch back in disgust, “Ugh!”

As soon as she regains her verbal freedom, she falters, staring at him blankly until she turns to Ren for help. “I don’t understand why it’s so hard for you,” he shrugs.

“Well, of course it’s easy for you,  _ Mr Suave, _ ” she mocks, sticking out her tongue at him.

Goro pulls a face, “I wouldn’t call him suave.”

Smirking, Ren bats his eyelashes at him, “Then what would you call me? Honey? Sweetie?”

Ann glares at him, “If you blush at that one, I’m gonna be mad.”

Goro sighs. He knows he’s blushing.

“Seriously? It wasn’t even embarrassing!”

“It was quite embarrassing for Ren,” Goro shrugs. Ann just rolls her eyes.

“Why are you two discussing sex anyway?”

Ren comes to shove his shoulders under Goro’s arm, “Goro asked me if I wanted to read  _ erotica  _ with him.”

He smacks him away, “That is  _ not _ what happened.”

“That’s how I remember it,” he grins.

He’s blushing again, he can feel the fire in his cheeks, but Ann doesn’t pout or laugh this time. She just glares at Ren, “Don’t flirt with him. That’s cheating.”

Ren pouts, “Flirting is my love language. Don’t be prejudiced.”

She shakes her head at him, “You’re so dramatic.”

“It’s part of my charm, right, Goro?”

“Sure,” he rolls his eyes, “but if we could get back to my fitting?”

“Oh!” Ann yells, having completely forgotten what they were supposed to be doing. “Of course. I need to measure your other arm.”

Ren leans against the window with his arms crossed, “His arms can’t be  _ that _ different.”

She pulls both his arms out, briefly checking over the one she’d already measured to ensure the pins have stayed in, “One of his arms is longer than the other.”

“Really?”

“I always forget which one it is,” she taps her chin, “Do you know?”

Goro looks at her blankly, “Don’t ask me. This is new information.”

She waves at him, “It’s not noticeable. Unless you’re me,” she smiles at him brightly. “And one of your biceps is bigger than the other,” she says, squeezing at his arms.

“By all means, continue to point out all my flaws.”

“Ah! It’s this one,” she says, pressing on his left bicep.

Ren’s looking at him with an amused smile on his lips, “You’re so asymmetrical.”

“Nobody is perfectly symmetrical.”

“I bet I am.”

He scowls at him, “Your _eyes_ aren’t even symmetrical. And your glasses make that flaw all the more pronounced.”

Ren’s still smirking, “I didn’t know you paid so much attention to my looks.”

“Yes, well. Ann told me you were attractive.”

“Goro!” she shouts, hitting him on the arm.

“You did say that. I believe you actually used the word ‘hot’.”

“Goro!” she hits him again, face flushed.

Ren’s guffawing behind her, “Ann Takamaki, what will Shiho say?”

Spinning on her heel, she threatens him with a pin from her cushion, “She will say nothing, Ren Amamiya, because she will never find out.”

He winks at her, “Only if you promise to keep telling people I’m hot.”

“Shaddup!” she frowns.

He switches his gaze to Goro, “So did I live up to expectations?”

“Frankly, no,” he says, avoiding Ren’s eyes as he shakes his head.

“That’s okay. You’re hot enough for the both of us.”

“Thank you,” and he intends for it to be sarcastic and dry, but it comes out as meek as a mouse alongside a terrible blush.

Ann huffs as she goes to collect more fabric from her desk and pin it to Goro, “We should make this a game.”

“Make what a game, exactly?” Goro asks.

“Not you,” she dismisses, “Ren. We should make a game out of making Goro blush.”

Ren chuckles, “I think he’d have us executed.”

She gasps exaggeratedly, “Goro, you’d never, would you?”

He snorts, pushing her on the forehead, “I might if you keep this nonsense up.”

“Nonsense,” she laughs, “like you’re not enjoying every second of it!”

“I’m  _ not! _ ”

She jabs him with the blunt head of the pin, “Don’t lie. You love the attention.”

“I don’t lie. It’s unbecoming.”

Ann and Ren both laugh at him for that one, “Spoken like a true politician.”

“Who taught you to say things like that?” Ann asks, still giggling as she jabs pins into the fabric.

Goro frowns, “... My governess.”

They both laugh harder, looking at each other and mocking him, “My  _ governess! _ ”

“What’s so funny?”

“The fact you  _ had  _ a governess,” Ann says.

“Of course I did. You didn’t?”

“Nope.”

“But you were educated?”

Ann pulls her mouth to the side, “Kinda.”

“And what does that mean?”

She just shrugs, “My parents taught me how to read and sew and stuff. I guess I don’t really need to know other things.”

Goro furrows his brow before turning to Ren, “And you? You said you could read, at least. Who taught you?”

He winks and taps his nose, “Not a governess, I can tell you that much. What’s it like, having one?”

Ann rolls her eyes at Goro, he gives her a scoff of laughter in response. “You certainly like your privacy,” he says.

Ren frowns, “That’s not an answer.”

“You didn’t give me one either,” he sighs. “She was a sweet woman and I loved learning under her. There’s not much to say about it, really.”

“And she groomed you into being a perfect politician,” Ren comments, regarding him with a strange sort of intensity that he hadn’t yet known Ren to possess.

It makes him tense, he even sees Ann stiffen in the corner of his eye. Goro scoffs in a lame attempt to diffuse the tension, “I think that honour should go to my father, actually.”

“Maybe,” Ren smiles a little. “Do you enjoy it?”

“Do I enjoy what?”

Ren shrugs, “Being so… perfect.”

Goro gives him a look, frowning, “I don’t think I quite understand. Wouldn’t anyone?”

“No, I mean- You’re not  _ normal, _ you get that?”

“I… I suppose.”

“Ren,” Ann scolds, glaring at him. She pats Goro on the shoulder, giving him a sympathetic look, “Don’t listen to him. Put your arms down.”

“I’m not trying to be cruel! I just- never mind.”

Goro gives him a small, sad smile, “I think I understand. Of course I don’t enjoy it, but it was how I was raised and I don’t know much else.”

“But you’re nothing like the people you’re supposed to lead.”

“That’s no argument. My father grew up like the people he’s supposed to lead.”

Ren laughs, throwing his head back against the wall. “That’s what you think? Your father grew up rich!”

“Still, he was poorer than any number of past Emperors, almost all of whom were loved by their people.”

“But you’re the only one who’s your father’s son.”

“What, exactly, are you trying to imply?”

“Nothing. Nothing. Just- you’ll never understand what the people out there go through. What people like me go through. So how can you lead?”

Goro shakes his head, facing straight, out of the window instead of at Ren, “Come now, Ren. You can’t play the impoverished victim anymore. You live in a palace. You’re a Lord.”

“Goro,” Ann shakes her head at him.

“Is it not true?”

Ren scoffs, “You don’t know anything about me.”

“But yet you act like you know all there is to know about me. It’s not fair.”

Ann sighs, wrapping her measuring tape around Goro’s waist, “I liked it when we were making him blush.”

If Ren has a comeback for the argument, he doesn’t say it. The thing is, Goro doesn’t really find himself wanting to argue about it. It’s not like he  _ wants  _ to be Emperor, and acting like he does or even feels remotely qualified is nothing but tiring. Ren’s right, and if Goro wasn’t so, well,  _ Goro, _ he would just suck it up and agree with him. Because he does think about it often, and doing charity work only ever brings the issue to the forefront of his mind: he doesn’t know what it’s really like out on the streets. He’s never spent a night unable to sleep because it’s so cold, or worried about where his next meal’s going to come from.

Goro’s life has been safe and boring. Silk sheets and health elixir and Serkonan grapes.

“I’m always open to listening, if you want me to hear your pain.”

Ren scoffs and shakes his head, “Don’t patronise me.”

“I’m not  _ patronising  _ you. You’re saying I don’t get it, so I’m asking you to explain it to me.”

“It’s not my job to explain it to you.”

“Then how will I ever learn?”

“By going out there? By treating people like  _ people _ and not like opportunities for good press?”

“That’s entirely unfair. You were by my side this whole week, what have I done to give you the impression I view people that way?”

“The only reason you’re doing it is to get people to stop hating you!”

“Under my father’s orders!”

“Can you two stop arguing, please?” Ann asks. Honestly Goro had forgotten she was in the room. “I just want to do my job and leave.”

“We’re not arguing,” Goro says, but his teeth are grit so hard he fears they might crack.

“Just discussing,” Ren nods back at him, “but don’t you agree?”

“I’m not getting involved, but it’s not right for you to take out your issues with Shido on Goro.”

“He’s his son, isn’t he?”

Ann scoffs, “Like that means anything to someone like Shido.”

Goro hadn’t really expected Ann to defend him, all he can do is blink at her, “Thank you, Ann.”

“I’m not taking sides,” she repeats, “I just want to get these measurements.”

“Of course,” he nods. He glances at Ren, who’s got his back turned to them now, running his hands over the fabric rolls on the wall. 

He’d thought Ren liked him, and the worry that he might  _ not _ sit in the pit of his stomach and bubbles up into his gullet uncomfortably. Goro doesn’t really know why that is. The whole Empire hates him now, what difference does one more man make? Especially one that he doesn’t even want to be friends with.

Thick awkwardness permeates the air, wrapping tight pressure around his neck. It feels hard to breathe, so he coughs to dispel the feeling.

“In the interest of changing the subject, what do you think I should wear for the auction tomorrow?”

“Is that tomorrow?” Ann asks, face intense as she measures down his legs.

“Unfortunately. I’m being auctioned off, have you heard?”

She glances up at him, “What does that mean?”

“My father has decided that I am to dance with the highest bidder, as it were.”

“People actually bid on that?” she asks, pulling a face.

Goro chuckles, “Yes. Though I can’t help but feel a little offended at your tone.”

“Oh! Not because you’re ugly or anything. That’s just… weird. Ren, is that weird?”

Ren shrugs, “I guess.”

Ann goes up on her tip-toes to whisper in Goro’s ear, “He’s sore because I didn’t back him up.”

“I see.”

“You better save me a dance,” she says, poking him in the sternum.

His hand comes up to touch the sore spot she leaves, “Ow. Of course, milady.”

She snorts, “So I can’t call you ‘your Highness’ but you can call me that?”

Goro shrugs, “Which one of us is a handsome, rich prince?”

“You’re such a jerk,” she rolls her eyes good naturedly.

“I do what I want.”

Ann scoffs at him, “Don’t try and piss him off even more.”

“You two were pissing me off with the blushing thing.”

“It was  _ funny. _ ”

“It’s embarrassing.”

“It’s cute.”

“Be quiet,” he says, feeling his cheeks start to heat up.

Ann smiles at him, “That’s one point for me.”

He scoffs, “Ren’s already far ahead of you in that regard.”

“I think I can catch up while you’re mad at each other.”

“I’m not angry at him,” he says, “he’s entitled to think whatever he wants.”

He  _ is  _ a little bit angry, but he doesn’t want to let Ren know that. All it will do is make them both even more uncomfortable than they already are.

“I’m not angry at you either. I thought we were having a valid discussion.”

Ann turns over her shoulder to look at him. Goro keeps his gaze forward, sensing the fragility in his words like glass. “We were. I’m glad,” he nods.

“And in the interest of winning the game: Goro, you better save me a dance too,” and he fucking winks at him.

Goro blushes hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idek why this chapter gave me hell . tf do they do apart from talk??
> 
> also literally nobody came here to discuss politics but i live in the uk and i was feeling big mad when i was writing


	8. Chapter 8

Things have been awkward with Ren since yesterday.

Even though he had been assured that they were just having a regular, albeit heated, discussion, he thinks maybe Ren actually  _ is _ mad at him and he doesn’t know how to rectify it.

He’d been taught at some point about conflict resolution, but that had been mainly in the form of peace talks and treaties, so perhaps that won’t fix this situation. Not unless he wants to have Ren sign a contract. And all his etiquette lessons had been on how to avoid angering others, and not apologies and regrets. Stupid really, Goro’s human, whether royal blood runs through his veins or not, and he does the wrong thing sometimes.

Most of the time, really. Actually, he thinks perhaps his blood is a detriment in regards to doing the wrong thing.

His blood is most certainly to blame for this situation, at least.

“Do I see 1000? How about an even 1000?”

Someone in the audience raises their hand, trapped in a bidding war between two others. Goro thinks they’re bidding on lot 36, which he thinks is a Madarame painting, which means that his dance is only ten items away.

He hopes he goes for less than the Madarame painting, if only to save himself some embarrassment.

The way it’s been going so far, he’s not exactly hopeful.

He and Ren are standing in a room sectioned off from the rest of the main auction area by a thick pane of glass. For safety, apparently, but it just makes him feel like he’s on display. Like he’s something to be shown off like any of the other lots, all dolled up and pretty.

That had probably been the intent, after all. To be seen, to drive the prices up, to  _ impress. _ His father’s reasoning for not accompanying him to the auction had seemed flimsy, but Goro’s not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, so he hadn’t questioned him. Perhaps he should’ve, should’ve forced his father to come along and draw attention away from him.

People keep looking at him through the glass,  _ people  _ as in women around his age who sneak him flirty glances and blow him kisses when they think nobody’s looking. He hears Ren snort by his side, but Goro can’t really find the humour in it.

He keeps waiting for the mocking joke to come from Ren’s lips, but it doesn’t come. The tense feeling of guilt continues to build in his stomach.

The gavel banging brings him back to reality, “Sold to the woman in red for 1250 coins!”

Quiet chatter breaks out in the auction room during the brief intermission while servants set up the next lot.

Goro sighs, “How long have we been here?”

Ren keeps looking out of the glass while Goro takes a seat on the couch inside their room. He shrugs, “Two hours, maybe?”

Goro knocks his head against the wall behind him, groaning, “Ugh.”

The lots seem to pass like years and Goro starts to give up on paying attention. Bidding war after bidding war go on and Goro can’t help but wish that things weren’t so in demand, charity or not, that things would just be sold on the first bid so he can go  _ home. _

Ren remains, somehow, standing and watching the auction. Goro finds himself watching Ren more than he watches the auction, wondering what has caught his attention so intensely. Perhaps it’s the speed at which the speed at which the auctioneer speaks, or maybe he’s just a fan of craftsmanship and is admiring the objects on show. He doesn’t really think either of those things are worth such a captivated expression.

“What are you staring at?” he asks, unable to help the slight annoyance that seeps into his tone.

“Hm?” he says, apparently unaware of Goro’s presence in the room at all.

“You’ve been staring for quite a while now.”

“Was I? I didn’t notice.”

Goro just huffs childishly. “Of course.”

Ren turns, leaning against the ledge of the window with his palms, “I don’t think I know anyone here.”

“So?”

“I was trying to figure out who people are,” he says, shrugging.

“Why bother knowing? I wish I didn’t.”

“It’s all about who you know, right?”

“I suppose,” he rolls his eyes, legs uncrossing as he moves to come stand again beside Ren. “I got the impression you would rather die than know these people yesterday.”

“Ah,” he says, grabbing at his neck with his hand, “yeah. I know you said you weren’t mad, but I wanted to… apologise, I guess?”

“Mm, yes, perhaps I should too. I’m… too stubborn to admit when I’m wrong.”

“No, it’s- I was out of line. I look at you sometimes and all I see is how much damage your family has done to this Empire.”

“My family? My father, you mean.”

Ren takes a shaky breath, “I think maybe I’ll hold my tongue.”

“Awfully mature of you.”

“Well, you know me,” but there’s no humour in it. “Are we… good, then?”

“I don’t see why not. I admit I have been finding myself missing your particular brand of comedy.”

Ren snorts, but it’s a quiet thing, “Just say you miss being flirted with and move on.”

“And I somehow already regret my decision to accept your apology.”

He snorts again, louder this time, and Goro gets a strange feeling he can’t name in his lungs. All fluttery and nervous like the first time he’d spoken in Parliament.

“You said you wanted to know who all these people were, yes?”

“Yeah. I think I know a few.”

“Really? Who?”

“Well,” he raises a finger to the glass and points, “that’s Yusuke Kitagawa.”

Goro looks at Ren rather than Yusuke, “Rather a niche person for you to know. Are you interested in art?”

“His mentor got taken by those Thieves, right?”

“Ah. So you’re just a fan of gossip.”

“Who isn’t?”

“Me.”

Ren tuts and waves him off, “Only ‘cause you already know the truth.”

“Not all the time.”

“But most?”

“Shush.”

He gets a stupid grin on his face, “Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask, was there any truth to those rumours about you and that Lady Mika?”

“Certainly not.”

“Not even like… a  _ little _ fooling around?”

“I’ve spoken to her perhaps three times,” he scoffs.

“So? I’ve fooled around with people I’ve spoken to for five minutes.”

Goro scrunches his face, “I’m royalty. I can’t do things like that.”

Ren just gives him a dry look, “I thought that was all the  _ fun  _ of being royalty. Having mistresses and concubines and that stuff.”

“I… I don’t have any desire for those things.”

“ _ Those things _ or just sex in general?”

“Were you perhaps raised in a barnyard? Who asks these types of questions?”

He laughs, “I’m just making sure I’m not making you uncomfortable.”

“Well, you do. Near constantly.”

“Mm. You must be so pent up,” he says, popping his lips.

Goro looks at him sternly, “Be quiet.”

“Fine. Spoilsport.”

“I am-” he groans, deciding that it’s ultimately not worth it as he turns back to the glass. “Who else do you know?”

“Uh, I think I know her,” he points to a short woman with fluffy hair, “Lady Haru, right?”

“Ugh. Yes.”

“You don’t like her?”

“I don’t know her. Not well.”

Ren chuckles, “Then what was that for?”

“What?”

He hunches over, mockingly grunting, “Ugh.”

“I don’t sound or look like that.”

“Hm, you do a little bit.”

“I do  _ not. _ ”

Ren just giggles, “Anyway. Back to Haru-”

“ _ Lady _ Haru,” he says, though it feels like trying to educate Ren at all in regards to etiquette is a lost cause.

“ _ Lady Haru, _ ” he mocks. “Why don’t you like her?”

“I don’t  _ dislike _ her. Her father wants us to marry.”

“Oh.”

“Yes,  _ oh. _ I think one day perhaps my father might just allow it.”

It’s not something Goro particularly likes to dwell on, the fact that he’s inevitably going to have to marry for politics and not for love. It’s an incredibly mawkish thought,  _ love, _ but he’ll allow himself that, if it means he can keep dreaming about intimacy and passion.

Not that he considers himself a particularly romantic person. Certainly, Goro wouldn’t know the first thing about actually having a relationship, despite having courtship etiquette drilled into his head from a young age. But he thinks, he  _ hopes, _ that perhaps if he found the right person it would all come easily. Like in novels.

So what if he thinks that it would be nice to love and be loved in return? So what if he thinks it would be nice to not be lonely again? To say forever and really mean it.

Love had always felt like the last shred of autonomy he had left. He sincerely dreads the day it’ll be taken away from him.

“You should propose to someone else before he gets the chance.”

Goro finds himself snorting at the idea, “I doubt I would want to propose to anyone who has earned my father’s blessing.”

“Why do you need his blessing? You’re an adult.”

“Mm,” he hums, “so you keep telling me. He’s not just my father, you understand. He’s an Emperor.”

“But he  _ is _ still your father.”

“Yes, but-” he sighs. “Did you think I was simply being dramatic when I told you I hated him?”

“Of course not.”

“Then it follows that I would have justifiable reason to do so.”

“Well,” Ren shrugs, “everyone hates their dad.”

Goro opens his mouth to reply, but decides against arguing again. Instead, he sighs, “Never mind. You don’t understand.”

“Maybe not. I thought I did.”

“I’m glad you’re learning.”

He bites at his lip like he’s thinking, “I really am sorry. About yesterday.”

“I said it’s fine.”

“No, I mean. ‘Cause I keep making assumptions about you.”

Goro shrugs, “Most of them are on target.”

“But I shouldn’t. You’re right, I don’t  _ know  _ you from seeing you in newspapers, you know?”

“Well, of course not.”

“I always thought you were a pompous prick, and I only really came here to try and piss you off. But you’re alright.”

Goro snorts, “High praise.”

Ren knocks their shoulders together, “Yeah. It is.”

“You’re… not terrible, either.”

“Wow,” Ren breathes, widening his eyes sarcastically, “that means so much.”

Laughing, Goro knocks their shoulders together again, uncaring that the only thing separating them from a room full of gossipy onlookers is a pane of glass. Who cares, right now? He can feel a strand of guilt unravelling itself from his heart, and it makes him feel lighter than he has in months.

“I hope you treasure it.”

“Oh, I will,” he says with a wink.

“Ugh,” Goro rolls his eyes. “You ruined it.”

Ren just laughs and looks back out through the glass. “I think your lot’s coming up.”

“My- oh. The dance,” Goro feels the guilt tug hard, squeezing like it’s trying to stop his heart from beating.

“Did you forget?”

“No,” he says, shaking his head, “of course not. Though perhaps I was pretending that it wasn’t happening.”

“Who do you think’s gonna bid?”

Goro exhales, fogging up the glass like if he can’t see it, it won’t happen, “Lord Okumura, no doubt.”

“Didn’t know he was interested in pretty boys like you.”

“On behalf of his daughter, you cretin.”

Ren laughs, “I  _ know, _ no need for rudeness.”

Goro rolls his eyes, “I expect some of these women who keep smiling at me will bid too.”

“Well, duh. Most of them haven’t placed a single bid so far. Not exactly hard to see what they’re here for.”

“Not many people come here to actually place bids in the first place. It’s about appearances.”

Scoffing, Ren glances at him, “Sure. Not because they want to dance with the Crown Prince and wake up in his bed the next morning.”

“You make everything sound so crude.”

“It’s not just me. Some of these girls have definitely mimed blowjobs at you.”

Goro’s face shrivels like he’s eaten a lemon whole. “Thank you for that tidbit of information.”

“You seriously didn’t notice?” he laughs.

“Of course not. I expected a higher calibre of class from these people.”

Ren shrugs, “Nothing classless about sucking a little dick.”

“Ugh,” he scoffs, “be quiet.”

“I’m just saying,” he chuckles.

“Well, stop  _ saying. _ ”

He’s still laughing as he replies, “Of course, your Highness.”

“What did I just say?”

Ren just smirks at him, waving a hand at him. “You’re too uptight. Maybe I should place a bid on that dance, loosen you up a little.”

Goro glares daggers at him, “You  _ dare _ and it’ll be the last thing you ever do.”

“Whoa! Extreme,” he laughs, “that just makes me want to do it more.”

“I mean it, Ren. I’d never forgive you.”

“What’s the harm? I wanna dance with you.”

“You don’t need to  _ buy _ one. And I could do without the headlines that will sprout from it.”

“Hm,” Ren taps his chin, pursing his lips, “well, if I can have one from free.”

Goro sighs, leaning his head against the glass, “I swear, it’s like looking after a toddler.”

“Hey,” he pouts, slapping Goro on the arm. “Do I get to wake up next to you too, or do I have to pay for that privilege?”

Goro slaps him right back, “Do I look like a  _ courtesan  _ to you?”

Ren stares at him blankly, “Do you really want me to answer that?”

“How dare you?”

“ _ Relax, _ ” he snorts, “I’m kidding.”

“You better be,” Goro says through gritted teeth.

“You’re so touchy.”

Goro scoffs, “How would you feel if I compared you to a courtesan?”

“Frankly, I’d be flattered to know you think of me that way.”

“I actually think I preferred it when we weren’t speaking.”

Ren rests his head on Goro’s shoulder, looking up at him through his lashes, “Don’t be like that.”

“Be quiet for once in your life.”

“As you wish, milord.”

“ _ Hush. _ ”

“Coming up next, lot 46! A dance with your very own Crown Prince!” the auctioneer yells out, pointing at him through the glass.

Goro puts on the best attempt at his Prince smile he can muster, waving regally as the crowd looks back at him. He tries not to roll his eyes as he sees Ren waving too, but it’s honestly a futile effort.

“Maybe we should auction a dance with you, too,” Goro snorts at his dumb smile.

“Oh, but I’m saving myself for my dance with you.”

“One more dance will not be  _ that  _ taxing on you, I promise.”

“No,” he laughs, “but still.”

“Do I see 300 coins?”

Goro almost wants to close his eyes so he doesn’t have to watch and be so embarrassed. He feels his cheeks heating up, though he tries to maintain an indifferent expression

“If you don’t break 1000 coins, I’ll have to bid just to drive up the price,” Ren says, snorting as Goro looks at him in defeat.

“I think I’d rather go for 100. Or less.”

“Lighten up, grumpy. It’s for charity.”

Goro scoffs, “Of course. If by charity you mean my father’s backpocket.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You don’t really expect Shido to give away a small fortune to the poor, do you? As I said, it’s just about appearances.”

Ren furrows his brow, staring at the floor, “So they’ll never see a penny of it?”

“Well. I expect he’ll have to make some sort of public gesture, at least. It won’t nearly be as much as they make here.”

“That’s awful.”

“Yes. It is.”

“Why do you just let him- sorry. I said I wouldn’t assume anymore.”

“You’re probably right. I should make more fuss about it, really. My father will never listen to me, but perhaps parliament will. Those who have yet to be bought off, anyway.”

Ren sighs, “You’ll change all that when you’re Emperor, right?”

“600 coins from the lady in red! Do I see 650?”

“I’d like to think so. However, I don’t really think it can be undone so easily.”

“What does that mean?”

“The families in Parliament have become accustomed to the extra cut from the Palace lining their pockets. Maybe they’ll attempt a coup.”

“Let ‘em try. I’m Lord Protector, after all.”

“Hm, yes. I’m sure that will really deter them.”

“Hey,” Ren laughs.

“900 coins! How about 950? Do we see 950 coins?”

“Forgive me, but you don’t exactly scream intimidating.”

“I’m plenty intimidating,” he scoffs, but Goro sees how he puffs himself up like he’d done in front of everyone at the soup kitchen.

Goro laughs once, a harsh noise, “I’m taller than you.”

“And,” he turns to poke Goro in the abdomen, “you’re also a lot skinnier.”

“Only because one of us can’t stop eating second helpings at dinner.”

Pouting, Ren rubs at his own stomach, “It’s not my fault the food’s so good.”

“I’ve never seen someone gorge themselves on tartlets like you do.”

“Well, try living off jellied eels and rat skewers for a year and then you’ll gorge yourself on ‘em too.”

He gives Ren a glance with a furrowed brow, “You don’t really eat rat skewers, do you?”

Ren just shrugs like it’s nothing, “Gotta get my protein somewhere, right?”

“They’re banned for a reason.”

“Do I look like I have the plague to you?”

“Still,” he frowns, “you could’ve easily gotten it.”

“And if you don’t eat, you die.”

“That’s 1100 coins from Lord Okumura! Will anyone bid 1150? 1150 coins, anyone?”

“You could’ve gone to soup kitchens.”

Ren scoffs, “You really think a bowl of soup and a slice of bread is enough to survive on? And they don’t open everyday.”

“Oh.”

“Also I got banned from most of them.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“I got banned for causing trouble. Starting fights, calling out abuse, inciting civil unrest.”

“Inciting civil unrest?”

“That’s what the City Watch said.”

“For- what- why?”

“I’m an anarchocommunist.”

Who the fuck has Goro hired to be his Protector?

“1350 coins, going once… Ah, I see 1400 from the gentlemen in the corner!”

Goro just stares at him for a while, searching his face for any sign of irony or sarcasm, anything to give him any idea on how to respond to that.

“I think that might be the longest word I’ve ever heard you say,” is what he ends up settling on.

“You think I’m some street rat,” he laughs.

“You purposefully paint yourself as one. I think you want me to underestimate you.”

Goro catches the corner of his mouth turn up in a smirk, “I’m just trying to make a paycheck.”

But Goro doesn’t really have anything to say to that. Because that  _ is _ all he is to Ren, really. A way out of rat skewers and one room apartments.

People use him. And that’s okay, but he shouldn’t forget it. He can enjoy Ren’s company, for now, but at the end of the day, he’ll never be more than an escape route.

“Sold for 1500 coins to the lady in white!” the auctioneer bangs the gavel against the podium.

Said lady in white shoves at the embarrassed-looking girl around his age sitting next to her, pointing at him. A mother, then. Good, her daughter looks as though she will be just as unhappy to dance with him as he will be to dance with her.

Goro gives a wave and a smile, just to be cordial, and tries to disguise how much he wants to leave. “How many more lots are there?” he asks Ren through his teeth.

Ren snorts, “I dunno, twenty?”

“Fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this wasn't even intended to be a chapter but i've been rushing to get to the mushy stuff. so. pacing?


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new year !! here's a ball chapter

Goro misses Sae.

Not that she’d been the most fashionably inclined, but she’d always told Goro exactly what she thought of the way he looked whenever he asked, no holds barred. He’d give anything to hear her say that he looked terrible just one more time.

He doesn’t dare ask Ren what he thinks of his outfit, lest he get some form of cheesy compliment or straight-up unprofessional comment.

Like the one he had gotten when Ren had let himself into his closet.

“Damn, you look hot.”

Goro had flared red, “Thank you, but that’s incredibly inappropriate.”

“Definitely worth it, though.”

He’d just rolled his eyes.

With the half hour spare he has before he has to make his way down to the ballroom, he’s standing directly in front of his mirror and inspecting himself. His red sash isn’t straight, so he adjusts it, but it just makes it more wonky, and the more he messes with it, the looser it becomes around his waist.

“Need some help?” Ren asks, already stepping closer to him with hands outstretched.

“Um, sure,” he says, because resistance is futile and Ren already has his hands on his waist under his jacket. The leather of his gloves is incredibly cold over the thin layer of his white shirt, but he tries not to let it show. Instead, to distract himself, he inspects his face. His freckles are still hidden under a thick coat of powder, cleaning his skin of any pores. It’s heavy on his face, and cakey to the touch, but it just gives a flawless impression to the eyes, which is what really matters.

He slips the white glove off his hand, raising his fingers to touch his lips that have gotten dry again. That won’t do. “Are you finished?”

“No, I have to tie it, gimme a second.”

“Alright,” he says, trying not to squirm now that he’s thinking about Ren’s touch again.

It shouldn’t be weird. It’s _not_ weird, he’s not going to make it weird. He’s been touched so many times before by so many different people that it should be like a second nature to him. Granted, it had been a while since someone had attempted to dress him like this, and Ren’s so strangely gentle with him.

“Okay, how’s that?”

Ren steps back so Goro has a proper view of himself in the mirror. He brushes the sides of his jacket away so he can inspect the sash. “Good, I think. Better.”

“Not too tight?”

“No. Thank you.”

Ren gives him a smile, and it makes the skin where he’d been touched tingle, a lovely, gentle sensation. It’s a warmth that spreads across his entire torso, fighting against the imprint of a bitter chill the gloves had left.

And he _really_ doesn’t want to think about that, so he simply gives Ren a curt nod and makes his way out of the closet, to take a seat at his vanity. Ren follows him, “I thought you were done making yourself all pretty.”

Goro tries really hard not to roll his eyes at him, “I can’t stand having dry lips.”

There’s a pot of his favourite lip scrub in one of the drawers, so he brings it out and applies it to his lips with a brush.

“What is that stuff?”

And Goro shouldn’t really talk with it on, so he just holds a finger up and keeps applying it. It burns horribly, but beauty is pain. It’s recommended to leave it on for one minute, but Goro just waits until the burn gets completely unbearable (usually longer than a minute) before he scrubs at his lips with a soft towel.

“It’s a lip scrub,” he says when most of the product is cleaned away, using a different spot of the towel to continue to rub away dead skin.

“What’s in it?”

“Mostly watered-down river krust phlegm.”

Ren’s silent for a moment, “That’s gross. And dangerous, isn’t it acidic?”

“Caustic, actually. But it’s so diluted that it’s safe.”

Ren looks at him through the mirror, “Are you sure? You’re swollen.”

“That’s normal.”

“You rich people are… insane.”

“Sorry?”

“Burning your skin off with spit to look good. That’s insane. Nobody cares if your lips are dry, Goro.”

Goro bristles, “I do.”

Goro hadn’t really thought much about it before. It was just normal, it was a beauty product like anything else he owned; why should he be concerned? He likes looking pretty, he likes _feeling_ pretty, it’s something he does for himself, and if scrubbing his lips away was the price, he is more than willing to pay it. It’s not like it’s something that caused any permanent damage, in fact, his lips are already returning to their natural plumpness.

“See, I’m fine,” he says, giving a slight pout to his reflection.

Ren rolls his eyes, “Perfect. Now that girl can kiss you without any chafing.”

Goro just knits his brows together, “It’s just for a dance.”

“I _know._ I just think-”

“You have so _many_ thoughts. Have you ever considered keeping them to yourself?”

Scoffing, Ren comes to lean against his vanity. “Why do you let your dad treat you like a commodity?”

Goro swallows, “It’s _just_ a dance.”

He fidgets with the buttons of his jacket. It’s not just a dance. It’s another attempt to sell him off, another chance for his father to ensure his bloodline doesn’t end with Goro. Goro’s expected to make an heir of his own, breed another insufferable brat into his family just so he can inherit his father’s struggles with morality and an Empire for him to further ruin.

Or maybe he’d have a girl and he could do what his grandfather did and marry her off to a rich piece of shit.

Ren twirls the fringe on his epaulettes, which he thinks is supposed to be comforting, but it just makes him feel small. He stands up to rip his fingers away, “What time is it?”

“Nearly six.”

Goro bends down to give himself one last look over. “We should get going,” he says, one hand in his hair to fluff it up. He turns to Ren, “Are you wearing that?”

He hadn’t been paying much attention to him, admittedly, but he looks distinctly normal. Average. “Is there something wrong with it?” he asks.

“No, no, you just look… regular. Like you usually do,” he gives him a once over, “and I told you to brush out your hair.”

Ren rolls his eyes, laughing, “Trust me, I tried.”

Goro steps away from the chair, patting the seat for Ren, “Sit down.”

Ren groans, but lets himself collapse onto the stool, “Be gentle?”

“Of course,” but he has a wry smile on his face as he picks up his hairbrush. He starts from the bottom, putting the brush down close to his neck before pulling. The brush barely moves with the light pressure, so he pulls harder.

“Ow,” Ren pushes his head back to follow the brush.

Goro tuts, “Don’t be a baby.”

“It hurts,” he frowns, scrunching his face in pain as Goro continues to brush out the knots.

“Beauty is pain,” he shrugs. “Perhaps if you actually brushed your hair once in a while, it wouldn’t hurt so much.”

“I _do,_ but it just does this on its own.”

“Hm,” he hums, twirling some of the brushed out strands around his finger, “too curly, I think.”

“Yeah, no shit.”

“I could get you a perm if you want.”

Ren snorts, “Is that a joke?”

Goro smiles at him through the mirror, “Yes. But if you wanted one, I could do it.”

“I don’t.”

He puts his head on Ren’s shoulder, “One day, you’ll let me make you pretty.”

“Is that a fantasy of yours?” Ren asks, laughing.

Goro pulls hard on his hair as he straightens up, speaking in a flat tone, “Oh, I dream about it every night.”

“What’s the verdict on dream me? Hot?”

Goro shrugs, “He’s better once I’m finished with him.”

“Would you bang?”

He sighs, rolling his eyes, “No comment.”

“I’ll take it.”

“You shouldn’t.”

“Then give me a comment.”

Goro swats his arm with the back of the brush, “I’m not giving you a comment. It’s incredibly inappropriate for you to even ask me these things.”

“You just sound like a coward.”

“It’s not a joke. My father would happily have you executed if he knew you spoke to me in such a manner.”

Ren twists his neck to look up at him, “Well, I’m not gonna tell him.”

Goro huffs a strand of hair out of his face, pulling the brush through a particularly stubborn knot and ignoring Ren’s cry of pain. “I might if you keep this up. It’s annoying.”

“Didn’t you say that was part of my charm?”

He hums, “The novelty wore off quickly.”

He watches as Ren pouts through the mirror, “I miss when you liked me.”

“I don’t recall ever liking you.”

Ren frowns at him, “I’m gonna make you like me, Goro. We’re gonna be friends.”

“You make it sound like a threat,” he snorts.

“Oh, it is. Mark my words, Crown Prince.”

He laughs again, “Consider me thoroughly frightened.”

Ren grins at him, “You should be. Are you finished?”

“I suppose,” he says, giving the brush one last tug through his hair before he sets it down.

Ren looks at himself in the vanity mirror, using his hand to card through his hair and mess it up again. Goro scoffs in disbelief, but Ren’s already standing and taking him by the elbow, “Now, your Highness, I believe there is a ballroom full of guests waiting for your presence.”

He rolls his eyes, scoffing out a laugh, “Well, by all means, good sir, please escort me downstairs.”

“It would be my pleasure.”

* * *

He’s forgotten the name of the girl he’s dancing with the second she introduces herself.

She’s pretty, he supposes. But she has something stuck in her front teeth, something green and solid and almost fluffy, so he can admit that he’s not really paying attention to her looks.

And the girl, she can tell that he keeps looking at it as they twirl around the floor. He finds himself so distracted that he nearly steps on her toes more than once. She can tell he does that too, because she flinches out of his way, stumbling. He flashes her an apologetic smile each time.

Goro gets the impression that she doesn’t want to dance with him either, which is hardly a surprise, from the way she scowls at him. Or perhaps she had wanted to dance with him, but had come to realise her mistake when he kept rudely frowning at her teeth.

Maybe it’s because he’s just a terrible dancer.

Or, well, not terrible, but he’s _very_ rusty. He hasn’t danced in years, not properly, not since his mother had taught him the basics. And leading is not is forté, but the girl in front of him definitely doesn’t want to lead and he doesn’t want to be mortified, so he’s leading. If you can call walking them around the floor with a gentle sway and the occasional twirl, leading.

The music finishes, and he’s about to ask her if she wants another dance because he feels sort of bad about the whole thing, but she’s already pulling away with a curtsy before he can open his mouth. “Oh,” he stutters, quickly lowering himself in a matching bow as she walks away from him.

Goro needs a fucking drink.

Ren and Ann are snickering by the drink fountain. “Enjoying yourselves?” he asks, taking a glass and filling it.

“We’re taking bets on whether you can remember that girl’s name,” Ren says, casually taking a sip from his glass.

Ann hits him in the stomach, “You’re supposed to be subtle!”

Goro just scoffs, “Who’s betting what?”

“Obviously, Ann thinks you remember.”

“And you?”

Ren smirks, “I don’t think you ever knew it.”

Goro looks around his shoulder to see if anyone is listening in, and when he sees that nobody is, says, “You’re right.”

Ann huffs, while Ren cheers, “You owe me 50 coin.”

“You were really that confident?” Goro laughs.

He shrugs, holding out a hand as Ann digs around inside her purse, “I have a lot of faith in your conceitedness.”

“It’s not conceitedness,” Goro says, taking a sip of his drink, “she had something stuck in her teeth. It was distracting.”

Ren snorts at him, pocketing the pile of coin Ann places in his palm. “Thank you.”

“Whatever,” she says. “It’s really not that hard to remember someone’s _name,_ Goro.”

He shrugs, repeating, “She had something stuck in her teeth.”

“That’s no excuse.”

“And I was focused on not tripping over my own feet.”

Ren chuckles at their bickering, “Wow, did we finally find something you’re not good at?”

“Hush,” Goro says, glaring at Ren, “I’m not good at a lot of things.”

Ann and Ren scoff at each other. Goro rolls his eyes and looks out to the ballroom. He may hate his father, but he really knows how to throw a party. Everyone’s either dancing or laughing or eating with each other, making small talk or flirting or whatever it is that people talk about at these things; Goro’s never really figured it out.

Even Ann and Ren seem at home here, blandly fitting into the background. Goro thinks he sticks out like a sore thumb, which, of course he would, he’s the Crown Prince, but even so, he doesn’t feel like he truly fits in.

Not that he’s been trying.

When Sae was still here, she’d sneak off down to the kitchens with him as the night started to wind down. They’d throw a little party of their own with some of the staff, drinking as much as their stomachs could handle and gorging themselves on whatever leftovers were left at the buffet. Goro would constantly find himself trying to keep up with Sae’s drinking, and failing, even though every morning after she’d wake him early, seemingly unaffected. Goro could never say the same.

Maybe he’ll do that later by himself, for old time’s sake.

“Goro? You listening?” Ann’s waving a hand in front of his face to try and get his attention. Goro nearly spills his drink over himself in fright.

“Oh! Yes, what were we saying?”

Ren scoffs a laugh, “We were rating the girl you were dancing with.”

“Rating?” his brow furrows, “On looks?”

“Yeah. If you can still remember what she looks like.”

All Goro can really remember is her teeth. “Of course I can. What’s the consensus so far?”

Ren takes a sip, “Hot.”

“I think she’s pretty,” Ann says, “not as pretty as Shiho though.”

“Ugh, we get it. You love your girlfriend,” Ren groans, rolling his eyes and giving her a shove.

Ann gets a dreamy smile on her face, “I really do.”

“Goro, please get us back on track,” Ren begs, looking at him gravely.

Goro just shrugs, “She’s nice, I suppose.”

“Oof,” Ann says, “that hurt _me._ ”

“Real ladykiller, aren’t you?” Ren laughs, poking him in the arm.

“Stop,” Goro says, giving him a shove, “she’s just not my type.”

Ann borderline squeals, “Now I’m _dying_ to know your type.”

“Does it matter? My type is whatever woman my father deems appropriate.”

She pushes a finger into the middle of his chest, “Nuh-uh, you’re not ruining the mood. I demand to know your type.”

“I- uh- I don’t know. I’m not sure.”

“Come _on,_ don’t you trust us?”

“No, not particularly.”

Ren rolls his eyes, “You’re never gonna get any information out of him like that.”

“You ask then, since you know him so well.”

He grins at her, messing up her hair with his hand, “Thank you for the recognition.”

“Get off,” she yells as she ducks out of his grasp.

Ren just leans an elbow on her head, “Goro, blondes or brunettes?”

He shrugs, holding his drink closer to his mouth. “I’ve never really considered it. I like dark hair, I suppose.”

Goro has considered it actually, at length. He likes visible body hair. Particularly, dense trails leading down to-

“Smart or funny?”

“I can’t have both?”

“No. Pick.”

Goro sighs, swirling the liquid in his glass, “Funny, I suppose. I don’t laugh enough.”

“I’ll say,” Ren says, “You’re a moody bastard.”

Goro just glares at him while Ren laughs. Ann’s tapping her chin in thought, “Outgoing or shy?”

“Outgoing,” he shrugs, “they’d have to be.”

“Tits or ass?” Ren says, so loudly he draws the eyes of a few guests.

“Ren!” Ann hisses, smacking his stomach.

He glares at him, “I hope you’re not seriously expecting me to dignify that with a response.”

“Sorry,” his voice is sarcastic as he makes eye contact with everyone who has dared to stare at him, “I didn’t know people were so _nosy._ ”

Ann smacks him again. Everyone seems intimidated by Ren’s glare, and Goro can’t help but snort.

"I’m going down to see my girlfriend, before you embarrass us again.” Ann gives him a shove before she downs the rest of her drink, slams the glass on the table, and leaves. She cuts straight across the dancefloor, which makes Goro cringe, but Ren seems to find it funny.

“Just me and you then, huh.”

“I suppose. I would tell you to feel free to mingle, but, well…”

Ren gives him a smile, “You’re the only person here I think I can stomach anyway.”

“Charming.”

He winks, “I try my best.”

Goro takes a sip of his drink, “Really though? Not even one person worthy of being relentlessly flirted with until they give in?”

“Mm, I’d love to see myself through your eyes.”

“I imagine it’s not much different from how you see yourself,” he shrugs. “I get the impression that this is how everybody sees you.”

“What? Some slutty playboy?”

“Not in so many words, but yes, I suppose.”

Ren snorts, “I’m not even _that_ slutty.”

“You are near constantly propositioning me.”

“It’s fun to watch you blush,” he shrugs.

“Mm. I noticed you avoided the question, though.”

“I’m good at that. What question?”

“There’s really nobody else here you’d rather spend the night with?”

Ren winks, “Nope. What about you?”

“Ah,” he sighs, turning to fill his cup from the fountain, “that.”

“What? Is it unfair to ask you the same thing?”

“No, of course not,” and if he has to be honest, “I suppose I wouldn’t rather spend my evening any other way either.”

“Even though we’re not friends,” Ren adds sarcastically.

“Mm,” he hums. He doesn’t really have anything to say to him about that that hasn’t already been said. Fuck, what is he _thinking?_ He should’ve just swallowed his pride and picked one of the bags of testosterone his father wanted to protect him. Then this all might be easier.

He’s so attached. Already, he’s _so_ attached. And it’s just not fair to either of them that they get along so well. It’s not fair that Ren jokes and flirts with him and makes him feel a little less alone in this great big world, not when he’s forcing him to put his life on the line for him.

He thinks about Sae, again. None of this was fair to her, either. She’d still be alive if it weren't for Goro.

“I think I need some air,” Goro says. “Come with me?”

Ren smiles at him, taking him by the hand and dragging him out onto the balcony, “Do I have a choice?”

“I suppose not,” and Goro flashes him a brief grin, knowing that everyone is watching as Ren pulls him along by the hand. He doesn’t care right now who's watching, not when there’s wine buzzing in his head and something like anxiety sparking under his skin.

It’s humid outside, the kind of summer night that would be perfect if he were wearing anything other than several layers of formal wear. Ren immediately discards his jacket over the railing, and Goro finds himself staring at his bare arms.

“Nice night,” Ren says, staring off into the Dunwall skyline. “What did you really want to come out here for?”

Goro shrugs, legs moving to lean onto the stone half-wall, sure to keep a professional distance between them, “Well, neither of us liked it much in there, did we?”

“Oh, but I _loved_ it in there. A bunch of rich people throwing money at a charity ball, because just giving the money straight to charity makes too much sense.”

“And what’s the point if we can’t have any fun?”

“Ugh,” he shakes his head, “it makes me sick.”

Goro snorts, “You seemed excited when my father first brought up the concept.”

“I _was._ I’ve never been to a ball before. I thought I could at least have a little _fun._ ”

Goro sighs, “Sorry that your first experience is failing to meet expectations.”

“It’s not your fault. You don’t wanna be here either.”

“Ah, yes. I suppose I’m spoiling it for you.”

Ren scoffs, “No way.”

“You should go back in there. Dance with somebody nice.”

“I already told you,” he says, knocking shoulders with Goro, “you’re the only nice person here.”

“I’ll make sure to tell Ann that.”

He snorts, “Do it. She doesn’t scare me.”

“I’ll tell her that too.”

“Ok, wait,” he gives him a frightened glance before they both laugh. 

It’s nice, having someone to laugh with under the moon. Not nice enough to disregard circumstances, not nice enough to be worth the inevitable tears, not nice enough to feel _fair,_ but nice all the same.

“I’m serious, though.”

Goro scoffs a laugh, “No. I’m definitely not a nice person.”

“You are when you want to be. Like what you did for that girl.”

“That’s just,” he shakes his head, “that was just courtesy. I had something I no longer needed, and she was in need.”

“Your father would never have done it.”

“Oh, and that’s such an amazing standard to be held to.”

Ren sighs, “No, but- look. You’re not like them,” he says, gesturing to the doors behind them. “You just aren’t.”

Huffing, Goro relents, “I appreciate the sentiment. But, still, you should dance with someone at your first ball.”

“ _You_ are the only person here I’d want to dance with. You’re the only one stopping me from doing that.”

“I’m not stopping you,” he frowns, shaking his head.

“You want to dance with me?”

“I said I’d save you one, didn’t I?”

Ren stares at him with a blank expression, “I thought you were joking.”

“Yes, well,” Goro says, taking Ren by the waist and by the hand, “now you know what it’s like to have a conversation with yourself.”

Ren just chuckles at him, moving the hand on his waist up to his shoulder and holding Goro just under his shoulder blade instead, “It was painfully obvious from watching you before that you don’t know how to lead.”

“I’m just out of practise,” but he doesn’t move his hands, just clutches his fingers in Ren’s shirt.

The music’s faint as it spills out of the cracks in the doors, filling the air with a delicate tune. It’s mostly the piano, the other instruments drowned out by the vague sound of conversation. The crickets keep the beat, matching time with the gentle tap of footsteps on concrete.

Ren twirls Goro under his arm, and laughs at his surprised expression when he pulls him back, holding him close to his chest. Goro’s almost sure he can feel Ren’s heartbeat in his chest, and it’s… intimate.

_No._

He makes himself see it clinically, it’s nature. It’s human. It’s normal; it’s proof Ren’s alive and that’s it.

And if Goro feels his own heart rate pick up in response, it’s because he’s dancing. If he feels his palms getting sweaty, it’s because Ren’s swirling him around a balcony on a summer night while he’s formally dressed.

Goro keeps looking down at his feet, telling himself it’s because he doesn’t want to trip over Ren’s feet but Ren’s somehow _good_ at dancing. It’s like he somehow knows the step he’s going to make five steps before he makes it, far too mindful of his movement to ever let Goro step on his toes.

“Where did you learn to dance?” Goro asks as he chances a glance at Ren’s face, instinctively pulling back a few inches.

Ren’s smiling him as they lock eyes, “With my ex-girlfriend in my old apartment by the Flooded District. You?”

“With my mother in her bedroom.”

“I would’ve thought you’d be better at this.”

Goro flicks his earlobe, “As I said, I’m out of practise. I don’t usually dance at these things.”

“Mm, more of a wallflower, huh?”

“I suppose,” he gives him his best attempt at a grin. “Actually, I've usually snuck away by now.”

Ren snorts, leaning in close to spin them around and speak directly into Goro’s ear, “Isn’t that what you’ve done this time?”

“We’re only outside.”

Loosening his grip on Goro, he leans him down, dipping him until they’re both staring out into the skyline. “I could take you further if you want.”

“My father would be furious.”

“We could just never come back.”

“I don’t think we’d ever get far enough,” he breathes, like there’s something fragile he doesn’t want to break. In spite of it, he pushes back into Ren and straightens them back up.

The song changed at some point. There’s something more uptempo playing now, ill-fitting of their slow dance, but neither make any effort to let go of the other.

“It’s a silly dream anyway.”

Ren frowns, “It doesn’t seem silly to me.”

Goro gives a sad smile to his collarbone, “Well, I suppose it wouldn’t. There’s a plan people have spent years on set out for my life. I’m an investment.”

“You’re a person,” and that’s that. Simple and easy.

His eyes slide to meet Ren’s, hidden behind thick frames. Ren lets their hands drop, but doesn’t let go, keeping them together at their side. It’s not easy with two layers of leather in the way, but Ren manages to lace their fingers together.

Goro squeezes Ren’s hand and Ren squeezes right back.

He doesn’t know who starts leaning in, all he knows is that Ren’s somehow getting closer to him and his heart and brain are having a screaming match in his throat.

They’re so loud he almost doesn’t hear the door open, spilling out laughter and music and a group of nobles.

But he does notice, and he’s jumping out of Ren’s space faster than he thinks he’s ever moved before. He goes back to leaning on the balcony, tapping his fingers against the stone and clearing his throat.

But the screaming match continues.

“Goro?”

Goro slams his free hand down on his fidgeting fingers, like he can strangle the nerves out. “Yes?”

Ren’s by his side again, none of the professional distance anymore. “Are you okay?”

“Never better.”

“But you-”

His brain puts a knife to his heart. “Ren, I know you must think it’s a joke that I don’t wish to be friends with you, but I’m entirely serious. This was inappropriate. I should not have let it happen.”

“Oh.”

“I’m sorry for not knowing better.”

“That’s okay. You always act friendly with me, I thought it was just one of those rules nobody follows.”

“There’s no rule. And there’s no excuse for my behaviour, I apologise. It won’t happen any longer.”

Ren lets out a long sigh, “I really don’t mind. I like you.”

Goro looks down at his restrained hand, “It would be better if you didn’t.”

“Ah.”

His heart hurts. But it’s nothing like what it could be. It’s not bleeding out onto the floor for everyone to see.

“Sorry.”

“It’s alright,” but Goro gets the distinct feeling that it’s not alright. “I’m gonna go back inside.”

And he just goes back inside. There’s no invitation to join, not cheesy remark or flirty wink. No joking advance for him to rebuff.

_Stiff upper lip, Goro. Stiff upper lip._

It’s his own fault. He looks up at the starry sky, and wonders if there really is a place he could go that’s far enough away.

Ren’s touch lingers like a phantom embrace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i changed my @ on twitter,, now i'm @arukanas


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a heads up for this chapter, there is physical abuse! if you need more details then i'll put them in the end notes

The palace gets warmer the closer the kitchens you go. It’s a warm hearth in a palace of ice.

By the time Goro’s in the dining room, he has slung his jacket off onto his chair so he doesn’t lose track of it, and rolled up his sleeves. Admittedly, his golden cufflinks were gone before he even started the journey; too new and fancy to hold any sentimental value, so he’d just left them on the balcony.

He’s sick of the concept of wealth.

Sick of the concept of a lot of things recently.

Ann and Shiho are among the staff working in the kitchen at this hour. A part of Goro still can’t really believe they’re actually  _ working _ while the party goes on, but then again, he’s never seen a plate at the buffet table full empty before either.

Though, what Ann and Shiho are doing can’t really be classified as  _ work, _ per se. Ann’s sitting on the counter, kicking her legs into the cupboard below, while Shiho chops up some kind of vegetables next to her and deposits them into a pot every so often.

“I think that’s a health hazard,” he comments to Ann as he steps into the room, immediately headed for the upper cupboard he knows to be filled with bottles of whiskey. Once he has one in hand, he lifts himself up onto the counter facing Ann and gives her a smile as he uncorks the bottle.

“I think  _ that’s _ a health hazard,” she snorts, gesturing to the bottle with her head.

“I think perhaps I agree,” he says as he takes a long swig.

It’s nice, how it burns on the way down. Any other night, he’d just sip at it until his brain got fuzzy enough to make it go down easier, but tonight he thinks maybe he deserves the unpleasantness.

“Where’s Ren?”

Goro shrugs, “I’m not his keeper. Hello, Shiho.”

Shiho looks at him over her shoulder like she hadn’t even realised he’d entered the room, “Oh! Your Highness!”

“I’m just Goro right now,” he says, flashing her a smile.

Ann smiles at her too, “It’s okay, babe. We’re friends.”

“Hm, okay.  _ Goro, _ ” she nods, Goro sees her catch herself right before she dives into a bow. Ann kisses her forehead. Goro’s heart twinges.

“And, you,” Ann says. His eyes widen as he sees her pointing at him, “You might not be Ren’s keeper, but he is kinda  _ yours. _ So why is he not following you?”

“I don’t know,” he takes another swig, “you’d get further asking him yourself.”

“Or you could just tell me, asshole,” she scowls at him.

“How am I supposed to do that when I don’t know? I don’t control him. He does have free will, you know?”

She just narrows her eyes at him, “So you’re just down here drinking by yourself for fun?”

He shrugs, “Call it nostalgia.”

“What?”

“And I’m not alone. You’re here,” he reaches across the aisle for her, and she’s so surprised by his action that she instinctively reaches out to hold his hand.

It’s nothing like how Ren’s hand had felt. Ann’s hand is too small and dainty and bare; her nails are too long and they dig into his gloves. He only squeezes once before he lets go.

It’s not what he was searching for.

_ Shut up, shut up, shut up. _

He doesn’t want to put the bottle down, so he grabs the leather of his white glove between his teeth and pulls at it like a wild animal until it comes off, and then he repeats the action for the other hand. When they’re off, one spat somewhere on the kitchen floor and the other deposited safely into his pocket, he presses the bottle to his lips and chugs.

“Goro!” Ann shouts, coming to wrestle the bottle from his grasp. He plants his hand on her face and holds her away from him, drinking as fast as he can while she struggles to take it from him. Eventually, she gives up and Goro stops chugging. She has her hands on her hips, but Goro just laughs at how he’s messed up her hair and makeup.

“You have some lipstick,” he giggles, pointing to the side of his own mouth. A flash of red catches his attention of his own hand, so he flips it over to inspect it. Sure enough, there’s an imprint of red lips on the ball of his hand, just below his thumb.

He shows it to her like a mischievous child. She scowls at him, “I need a mirror.”

Goro hums, twisting his neck to look at the rack of pots and pans by his head. He picks up one of the shallower, reflective pots and holds it out for her. “Here.”

“Thanks,” she says, sarcasm thick in her tone.

“You’re welcome,” he says, wiping his hand off against his mouth. “How do I look?”

Ann looks away from her reflection at him and tuts, “You’ve smeared it everywhere.”

“Do I look pretty?”

She glares at him, “You could’ve just asked to use my lipstick.”

“Shiho?”

“Mm?” she responds, turning her head, “Oh goodness.”

“Do I look pretty?” he asks, framing his face in his hands as he looks at her.

Shiho gives Ann a glance, looking at her for an answer, but she’s busy fixing her face, “Um. Sure.”

He blows her a kiss before wrapping his lips around the bottle and taking a drink.

“You’re such a lightweight,” Ann says as she rolls her eyes at him. “I’m embarrassed.”

He winks at her, “Fuck off?”

“Such language!” she snorts.

“Suck my dick,” he says, pulling his legs up beside him and shifting into a lying position.

“You’re not my type, sorry,” she laughs, pressing a kiss to Shiho’s cheek.

“Well, you’re not exactly mine either.”

“What? Am I too blonde?”

“Hm,” he hums, turning his head to look at the ceiling, “too… woman.”

And he truly hadn’t meant to say that aloud, but he’s getting to the point where anything he thinks might just end up spilling from his lips and he’d be none the wiser. He’s still not even sure that he’s actually said it, actually came out to Ann, as he studies her face. She’s looking right back at him, trying to find something Goro’s sure he’ll never show her.

He finds himself grinning.

She sighs, “I wish you hadn’t said that while drunk.”

Goro just laughs, “I  _ know. _ In front of the whole kitchen.”

Lifting Goro’s head, she hops up onto the counter and rests him in her lap. “I don’t think if you have to worry about them listening.”

He looks around the room and finds Ann to be correct; everyone seems to be busy making sure they don’t fall behind on food prep. Not even Shiho’s listening. “I suppose. It’s not surprising, though, is it?” he says, trying to keep the defeat out of his tone.

“I guess not. But all my friends are gay, I guess I’m pretty good at sniffing them out.”

“All of them? So… Ren?”

Ann snorts, “He flirts with you constantly.”

“He flirts with everyone.”

“Exactly.”

“Oh. So I’m not special.”

She frowns down at him, “You want to be special to him? You really are drunk.”

Goro groans, shrugging, “I wish I didn’t have to not be friends with him.”

“You don’t,” she says, brushing his hair out of his face gently.

“I can’t.”

“Why?”

“I  _ can’t. _ ”

“Goro, babe,” she pulls his chin to look at her, licking at her thumb to wipe the lipstick smudges off, “I know Ren likes you.”

“I’m cruel.”

“You aren’t cruel.”

“I am. I have to be. Cruel Emperor Goro.”

“You’re gonna be a great Emperor,” she frowns at him.

Goro turns his head to cautiously pour more whiskey into his mouth. “I’m not. Everyone already hates me.”

“No, they don’t.”

“They do. They should.”

“Shush,” she says, placing a finger to his mouth. “No more self-deprecation.”

He laughs, “Do you know me at all?”

She flicks his ear, “I thought you’d be a happier drunk.”

“To make up for my usual melancholy?”

“You’re really not that sad.”

“Only on the inside,” he snorts, pouring more booze into his mouth. “I’m perfectly pleasant on the outside.”

“I wouldn’t say  _ perfectly, _ ” Ann frowns, twirling a piece of his hair around her finger, “or  _ pleasant, _ honestly.”

“Miss Takamaki, you wound me.”

Ann giggles, pressing a kiss to his forehead, “What else are friends for?”

He stubbornly tries to rub the fresh lipstick stain she’s left off, but given the way Ann laughs, he’s probably just making it worse.

It’s different. Strange, perhaps, is a better descriptor. These nights with Sae had usually been spent laughing and joking together, but in an altogether different manner. Sae had always been at least a little tipsy too, and Goro had really not gotten this drunk so quickly, or really this drunk at all.

And they’d joked about things. Talked about how stupid that one member of Parliament had looked last week with his new haircut, trying to start a trend, no doubt. Or how scandalous it was that Tyvia’s Princess had been having an affair. Or whatever stupid gossip they could think of. It had always been a nice break.

Goro doesn’t even think he really knows any good gossip anymore. None that doesn’t involve him, anyway. Sae’d always been the one to bring it to him.

In opposition to that, he gets the distinct feeling that Ann is trying to baby him. And while sober Goro is vehemently against that idea, he doesn’t think drunk Goro minds so much. If he closes his eyes hard enough, he can imagine he’s somewhere else. That Ann’s touch isn’t so tentative or forced, it’s confident and natural.

He can pretend.

Somehow, the bottle is about half empty. Though honestly most of it has been spilled on himself as he’s tried to drink lying down.

“Goro,” a stern voice calls.

He looks up from Ann’s lap. It’s his father.

“Shit,” he breathes, stumbling up to his feet. “Good evening, father.”

Shido takes two strides towards him, glaring down at him before he pulls his hand back and slaps him hard across the face.

Goro’s so drunk that he falls to the floor. “Papa…”

“How fucking  _ dare _ you! All the time and effort I poured into this ball for you,  _ wasted _ because you’re a fucking drunk! I did not raise you to be this stupid, boy!”

His cheek stings. He can’t focus because of how much it stings and how fucking wasted he is. What is happening? What the fuck is he expected to say?  _ Fuck. _

Goro grazes his hand against the mark on his cheek and whimpers. His skin comes back wet with tears. He settles on, “I’m sorry, Papa. I’m sorry.”

“I’m humiliated in front of the entire party! The entire Empire! I call your name for a toast and here you are! How is that supposed to appear? The Emperor can't even control his own son.”

“Please, I’m sorry. Papa, I’m sorry.” Goro shuffles closer, but Shido pushes him away with his foot onto his knees, “I’m sorry.”

“You’re not a child. Get off the fucking floor.”

“Goro,” Ann tentatively offers him a hand, “come on.”

He pushes her hand away, “You’re making it worse.”

“You’re a disappointment. Your mother would be disappointed in you.”

Goro falls forward onto his hands, breathing uneven and shaky as he holds back the sobs that threaten to accompany the steady streams of tears that fall from his eyes. “I… I’m so sorry.”

“Get  _ off _ the floor, Goro!”

Breathlessly, he scrambles to his feet, trying desperately to keep his head down. He keeps his gaze on his father’s shoes. “I’m sorry, father.”

“Sorry won’t cut it. I’m mortified. I expect better from you.”

“I can, I can come back upstairs and make the toast. I want to make mother proud, please.”

“As if I would let you go anywhere but your room looking like this. You reek of booze, covered in  _ lipstick; _ you’re a mess.”

“I’ll go clean up, I-”

“No. Go fucking sleep off this state, or I will _disown_ you .”

“Sorry, I’m sorry,” he whispers.

“Stop apologising. Stop crying. It’s embarrassing to watch you snivel in front of the staff.”

He sniffles, “Papa, I-”

Shido backhands him across his other cheek. “You are  _ not _ a fucking child.  _ Papa, _ ” he mocks with a cruel laugh, “you are twenty one years old.”

Goro just holds his tongue and lightly touches a hand to his cheek.

His eyes dart across the room as he does, as his ears finally catch on to the fact that the other is devoid of all noise that isn't his father's voice. Everyone has dropped whatever they were doing to watch, thoroughly engrossed. A few people have the decency to look away as his eyes catch theirs, but everyone else seems genuinely frozen in fear.

“That’s better,” Shido sneers, “good night. I don’t wish to see you for the rest of the week.”

“Of course,” he says, wobbling on the spot, “good night, f- father.”

Shido has turned on his heel and started to walk away before Goro even finishes. It takes a few moments for the kitchen to come back to life. Ann comes to snake a hand around Goro’s back and give him a hug.

“It’s okay, Goro,” she comforts as he turns into her.

“I’m so stupid. Worthless.”

“Goro, no, he’s just an asshole.”

He sobs once into Ann’s shoulder, “I’m gonna turn out just like him.”

“No, you aren’t. You’re so much better than he is,” she says, holding the back of his head.

He hears footsteps coming up behind him and instinctively winces into Ann, tensing his spine and holding his breath. “Sorry.”

“Goro, it’s just me,” a voice says, Ren’s voice.

He pulls away from Ann and sinks himself into Ren’s body, wrapping arms around his waist and burying his head into his neck. “Ren,” he sobs, “did you see?”

Ren tentatively reciprocates the hug, gently pulling him close. “Yeah, I saw.”

“I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

“That. I didn’t want you to see.”

“It’s okay, it’s fine,” he says. “I’m gonna take you to bed, alright? You can sleep it off.”

Goro hums in response, pulling away and wiping delicately at his stinging cheeks. He turns to grab his half-empty bottle of whiskey, “I’m taking this.”

Ann closes her hand over his own, “Is that really a good idea?”

“I’m taking it,” he repeats, wrenching his hand free and returning to Ren. “Hold my hand,” he says as he takes the red leather in his palm, lacing his fingers through Ren’s, “or I’ll fall.”

“Okay,” he nods, “good night, Ann, Shiho.”

“Good night, guys.”

“Good night.”

Holding Ren’s hand turns out to be more Ren gripping at Goro’s arm as he stumbles up the stairs to his room. It’s still nice enough, and Ren lets him stay as close to him as he likes. He’s still huddled close to him even as they enter his quarters, then his bedroom.

“I’m gonna get you some pajamas, okay? Stay there,” Ren says as he deposits Goro onto the ottoman by the foot of his bed. Goro gently places the bottle of whiskey to his side, patting and stroking it like a pet.

He feels so strangely numb; he can’t even make himself cry. His cheeks still sting, and he clings to the pain like a lifeline.

With his free hand, he reaches into his pocket and takes out one of his gloves, pressing the cool leather to his cheeks, “Is it bad?”

“Is what bad?” Ren says, looking through his drawers with his back to him.

“My face.”

He pauses to turn and look at Goro from across the room, “Do you want some ice?”

“No.”

“It’ll help.”

“I want you to stay here.”

“Oh,” Ren nods as he turns back to the drawer. “Okay. I found some.”

Goro hums, sniffling as he drops his glove and starts to unbutton his shirt. Ren comes to him, setting the clothes down beside him and resting his hands on his arms, “Stop.”

“Oh, right. Privacy.”

He straightens up, “I’ll leave, but you can call me back.”

“No,” Goro grabs at his jacket sleeve. “Just,” he says, putting his palms over his eyes, “don’t look. I’ll go behind the partition.” Goro’s already started undressing again before he gets behind his privacy partition, toeing off his shoes and throwing his shirt off to the floor.

He hears Ren doing something, but he can’t bring himself to focus on anything other than how tightly Ren knotted the sash around his waist. He ends up just shoving it down his legs and stepping out of it alongside his pants, leaving the problem for sober Goro to deal with. The pajamas, thankfully, are much easier to get on, the pants quickly pulled up and the shirt hastily buttoned in the wrong holes but Goro can’t bring himself to care as he steps back to the ottoman.

“Where’s my whiskey?” he says, staring blankly at the gloves.

“I put it away.”

“What for?”

“‘Cause I’m not letting you drink anymore.”

Goro scowls at him, “Not fair.”

“Yeah, well. Get in bed.”

“No.”

“Goro.”

“Give me back my whiskey.”

“I’m not gonna do that.”

“But it  _ hurts, _ ” he whines, lightly rubbing his cheek against his forearm.

Ren sighs and comes to sit next to him, “How is drinking gonna help that?”

“It won’t,” Goro shrugs, “but I can forget why it hurts.”

“Will you let me get you some ice now?”

“No,” he sulks, leaning forward to wrap his arms around Ren’s body and rest his head in his lap. “Don’t leave me.”

“Goro, please. You can’t do this.”

“Do what?”

“A few hours ago you were saying you didn’t want to be friends, and now you’re being all clingy. It’s not fair to me.”

It’s not  _ supposed  _ to be fair. It’s not fair for either of them. Goro closes his eyes and sighs, “I’m sorry. It’s my fault.”

“I just… I want you to make up your mind.”

So does Goro. He feels tears finally start to brim in his eyes. “It’s all my fault. I hate myself,” he hiccups.

“Hey,” Ren whispers, combing his fingers through Goro’s hair, “it’s okay.”

“I shouldn’t-,” he sniffs, “I’m so stupid.”

“Goro, you’re not stupid. What’s wrong?”

“You can’t leave. I don’t want to lose you too.”

“I’m not going anywhere. What’s this about?”

“I got Sae killed.”

Ren just looks at him, breathing halted.

“It’s my fault. And you dying, that’s my fault.”

He puts Goro up into a hug, “Goro… she’s- Sae’s…”

“And if I’m friends with you, I… I can’t do it again. It  _ hurts. _ ”

“I’m not dying, Goro.”

Goro pulls back and takes Ren’s face in his hands, “What if the Phantom Thieves take you away from me?”

“They won’t.”

“You can’t promise me.”

Ren rests his hands on top of Goro’s, “This is why you don’t want to be friends with me?”

Goro hiccups, “But I already like you. I’m stupid. Shido’s right.”

“Don’t say that. Shido’s a fucking idiot, he doesn’t know a damned thing.”

“I’m a disappointment.”

“No, you’re not.”

It’s familiar, and he’d never confess how familiar it is, the scolding. It’s embarrassing because he almost finds a comfort in it, even now, because his mother used to do this afterwards. Being shouted at always meant that she wasn’t far behind, with open arms and a mouthful of praise and love.

Ren’s barely an equal replacement. But it’s not fair to ask that of him. So he glances to the door, expectant, like she’ll be waiting.

It’s just a door.

Goro frowns, letting go of Ren’s face and burying his head into his shoulder instead, “I miss my Mama.”

“I miss my Mama too.” Goro just holds him tighter.

“I’m sorry. I took you from her.”

“You didn’t. Besides, nobody made me take this job. It’s not your fault.”

Right. Goro’s tired of arguing. It’s draining, it’s  _ so _ draining, to convince him that he deserves all this guilt. That he’s not looking for his useless sympathy, that he just wants him to understand him and stop saying that it’s not his fault. It just is. He just needs somebody to get it. To listen.

And it may as well be Ren; his secrets seem safer with a dead man walking.

He rubs his nose with his sleeve, “I’m tired.”

“I’ll tuck you in,” Ren says, giving him a forced smile. Goro doesn’t even know if he meant it as a joke anymore, so he just nods and gets off of him, keeping a tight grip on his hand.

Everything might be safer with a dead man walking.

“Ren,” he begins, sitting himself on the edge of his bed, “I don’t want to be alone tonight.”

“I’ll just be in the next room. You can come get me.”

“No,” he tugs on Ren’s wrist, “lay with me.”

“Goro…”

“Just for a while,” he nudges himself backwards, Ren letting himself be arranged with Goro on his chest. “Please.”

Ren scoffs a fragile laugh, giving up and putting his arms around Goro’s shoulders, “You’re gonna be so mad at me tomorrow.”

Goro’s breathing has already slowed, face scrunched lightly in pain as his cheek scratches against Ren’s jacket. Ren pulls at the blanket until he has Goro’s cheek resting on the silk instead of leather.

“Good night, Goro.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (( shido hits goro twice and verbally berates him for embarrassing him in front of the party - if you want to skip stop reading at "“Goro,” a stern voice calls." and you should be good to start again at "“It’s okay, Goro,” she comforts as he turns into her." ))


	11. Chapter 11

Goro’s gotten pretty good at discerning whether something is real or not. It’s something he’s learned from frequent nightmares, simply plug his nose and mouth and try to breathe: if he can, he’s dreaming.

But knowing he’s dreaming isn’t that helpful most of the time.

Especially when he can’t make himself wake up.

He’s a child again, lying next to his mother in bed as she cries, shushing her because it’s going to be okay. He’s not old enough to understand the concept of forever, doesn’t know what it means to die, not really. People are whispering about her taking a turn for the worst, not making it to the morning, and Goro feels the words vibrate through his ears, stick in his head, and twist restlessly. It’s so loud.

Fingers clutch his mother’s clothes, tight and urgent because if he never lets go then she can’t leave. He doesn’t want her to go. She cries harder.

“Mama,” he says as he feels her arms wrap around his body, weak and frail. She tries to squeeze but he can’t feel it.

“My little Prince,” and her voice is so hoarse. A wheezing breath fills the room, followed by a coughing fit. Goro just grips her harder.

Something pulls at him from beneath his ribs, an agony that he can’t describe as a child or as an adult. Something that hurts so terribly that it goes beyond words, burning and cutting and ripping his heart apart. Goro sniffs into her shoulders. He wants to be brave for her and brave means no tears.

When he looks up, he can see her looking back down and her expression only increases the torture in his chest. She presses a kiss to his forehead and when she pulls back, the real nightmare begins.

Skin starts to sink into bone, hollowing eyes and cheekbones at a rapid pace. It melts into rot, turning the sickly white of her flesh into green-hued brown. Eyes deflate, hair falls into the pillows, his hands grip too hard and tear, releasing gushes upon gushes of flies and maggots and sticky, brown blood.

Goro can’t do anything but watch as she disappears into ash before his eyes. Not even tears come to blur his vision, not so much of a scream leaves his mouth. No distractions, just pure horror.

“Goro,” she seems to say, lifeless jaw clicking and knocking all her perfect teeth loose. “Goro.”

“No, no, no, stop it, please.”

“Goro, wake up.”

Bearily, he blinks himself awake, immediately aware of a pounding in his head. He groans, squeezing open one eye to see Ren leaning over him with a mug in his hand.

“What?”

Ren just places the glass on his bedside table while Goro brushes some of his damp hair out of his eyes. Damp because, well, he’s sweating intensely.

“You were… fidgeting,” he says, searching for the word with his free hand like he doesn’t quite know how to describe what he saw. They both know he’s really just dancing around saying the words  _ shaking and crying. _

Groaning again, he buries his head instead under all his covers and blocking out the sun. “What time is it?”

“Around midday.”

Goro rolls over away from Ren, “My face hurts.”

“Let me see.”

“No,” he says as he hunches further into his bed. “What happened? Did I- oh, no- did I embarrass myself?”

“No, you didn’t,” Ren says, pulling at the blankets covering Goro’s head. Goro keeps his grip on them tight. “I got you some coffee. I didn’t know how you took it, so I just poured in a metric shitton of sugar.”

“I’d rather have tea.”

He hears Ren’s sigh muffled through the sheets, “I’ll make you tea if you come out of that cocoon.”

He flattens out on his back with a defeated groan, allowing Ren to finally pull all the blankets back. Giving Goro a tight smile, he says, “There you are.”

The sunlight burns at the backs of his eyes, making his head ache all the more. He presses the heel of his palm into his brow in an attempt to stave off the hammering, only to pull back with a hiss when he touches a particularly tender patch of skin.

“Good morning,” he mumbles, glaring at Ren as he forces him to sit up and force the mug into his hands. “What about the tea?”

“That was a lie to get you out of bed. Drink. It’ll help.”

He expects Ren to sit on his bed, all familiarity and gentleness with a hand on his knee over the covers, but he just remains standing. He clicks his tongue and fiddles with the hem of his glove like Goro isn’t even in the room. Goro tries to swallow down the uneasy feeling it gives him with a gulp of coffee.

It’s surprisingly good. It’s most likely just the sugar and milk, but it tastes so much better than the sips he used to steal from Sae’s cup. Sae had always liked her coffee so bitter that it sometimes gave Goro a headache, but this is shockingly sweet and warm. “This is delicious.”

“Yeah,” Ren nods, still looking at his hands, “it’s kinda my thing.”

Goro swallows back another round of unease, “Oh.”

“A thank you wouldn’t go amiss,” Goro thinks that maybe it’s intended to be a joke, but it just comes out tense and almost mocking.

“Thank you,” he nods, resting his mug against his chin so that Ren can’t see his hands shake. Ren gives him another one of his tight smiles and Goro feels his heart strain. “Have I done something to upset you?”

Sighing, Ren goes to lean up against one of Goro’s windows, leather gloves squeaking as he presses them against the windowsill, “No.”

“Are you… certain? I feel tension between us.”

Ren shrugs, so minutely that it wouldn’t even be noticeable if Goro wasn’t watching him like a hawk. “I thought this was how you wanted it to be. After last night.”

“Ah. That,” Goro just stares into his mug. He’d honestly forgotten about their almost… thing. He doesn’t really know what to call it. A  _ moment  _ sounds too whimsical, but anything else feels like a betrayal of what it was. “I thought we could at least be civil.”

“I thought this  _ was  _ civil.”

“I- well, I… I,” Goro gives up on the sentence, closing his eyes and sighing heavily instead. “I’m sorry.”

“For what? You haven’t done anything.”

“I feel as though it needs saying.”

Ren sighs, “Okay.”

Goro pouts against the rim of the mug. He  _ wanted  _ this, he doesn’t know why it makes him so uncomfortable, why it makes his chest ache with… with something. Something different.

At least it isn’t the agony of grief.

He can deal with that. He’ll have to.

“You missed breakfast. But I told the staff you’d be ready for lunch, so. Get ready.”

Trying not to groan as he swings his legs over the edge of his bed, Goro drags his socked feet across the floor to take a seat at his vanity. He nearly spits coffee all over the mirror as he takes in his reflection. “What  _ happened? _ ”

There’s barely any of  _ himself  _ left in the mirror, exactly none of the man he was looking at last night before he left for the ball. His eyes are bloodshot and dragged down by heavy bags, bruised a deep purple and an angry red that spreads down across his cheekbone. The side of his nose is bruised too, though not to the same extent, and he hopes that it only looks slightly crooked because of the shadows.

He sees Ren turn to look at him through the mirror, “What?”

“My face?” he says, lifting a finger to point at himself, “I have a black eye.”

“I’d hardly call that a black eye. And I asked you if you wanted me to bring you some ice.”

“When? I don’t remember.”

“Last night? When I brought you to bed?”

“You brought me to bed?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh. My apologies.”

Ren just shrugs, “It’s no big deal. Even if you were being kinda clingy.”

Goro can only hope that his bruising is enough to hide his flushed cheeks, “Oh?”

“Yeah. You made me lie in bed with you.”

Yep. The bruising is definitely not enough. “Ah.”

“But, y’know. You were drunk and upset, so I get it.”

“Did I fall?”

“No. Um, your dad.”

The memories come flooding back all at once; the fresh sting of a hit, linoleum tiles blurred by tears, Ann desperately pulling at his shirt. It overwhelms him, makes him feel like he could start crying once more. But he won’t do that to himself again, won’t force Ren to comfort him either.

“Who saw?”

“Just the kitchen staff.”

Goro finds himself laughing humourlessly, “ _ Just _ the kitchen staff.”

“It could’ve been in front of all the guests.”

Hands fiddling in his drawers to find his concealer, Goro scoffs, “My father would never have let that happen.”

Ren turns back around to stare out the window with a little shrug. As he dabs his fingers into the pot, Goro can’t seem to take his eyes off of Ren’s back. He thinks he might genuinely hate this; this awful tension that’s the fault of nobody but himself. It’s for the best, he keeps reminding himself, but that doesn’t mean he has to like it.

Instead of thinking about it, he presses his two fingers into his cheek, spreading the concealer across his skin. It’s a nice, soothing feeling against the aggressive warmth of burst blood vessels, but it does make him wince with the pressure. His fingers dance gently against his own skin, from the inner corner of his eye to his temple to the tip of his nose, ignoring the tears that threaten to spill from the pain and ruin his hard work before he’s even really started. It’s a good distraction, the physical pain from the mental stress; he can almost completely ignore the complete stillness of Ren’s body as he stands at the window.

He just rubs the excess product into his hands after he’s finished, reaching for his powder and puff to set his face. It’s not perfect coverage; it just makes him look as if he didn’t get enough sleep, which will do for now, so long as he keeps his head down and lets his hair act like a hood. Goro blinks back tears as he pats the puff across his entire face to even out his skin tone. 

Fuck, he hates his father. He couldn’t have hit him somewhere less fucking visible?

“There,” he says as he puts the lid back on his powder, “how do I look?”

Ren takes a few steps across the room to stand at his side, only glancing at him through the mirror. “Yeah. I can barely tell.”

It doesn’t sound all that sincere, coupled with the way his eyes barely skim Goro’s face, but it’ll have to do. With a sigh, Goro gets up, wandering into his closet and absently wondering why his sleepshirt isn’t buttoned correctly. He changes quickly, throwing on whatever casual clothes he has lying around: a flowy shirt with three buttons at the top that he leaves undone, tucked into brown trousers, and shoes he can just slip on.

There’s no comment from Ren when he leaves the room, no flirty compliment or witty remark, just a brief upturn of his lips before he leads the way to the dining room.

Goro just swallows back the regret and follows him.

* * *

A few bruises doesn’t mean that Goro’s schedule gives him a few days off. They just call for a more holistic makeup routine each morning.

One of those mornings, the next morning after the hangover, before he has to go out, he asks Ann to help him with getting ready. Mainly because he has an event to attend later, and he doesn’t trust himself to fully ensure his now-healing bruises are covered, but also because he likes the way she makes him look.

“You should’ve seen someone about these,” she scolds him as she washes his face with a particularly strong astringent. Goro winces.

“What for? What is the Royal Physician to do about a few bruises?”

She jabs him in the nose with her thumb, making him hiss in pain, “What if your nose is broken?”

Rolling his eyes, he scoffs at her, “And I would’ve said what, exactly? I fell right onto my side? What a highly unlucky accident?”

“Like Tae doesn’t know exactly what happened anyway.”

“Thank you for reminding me,” he says through gritted teeth.

“Sorry, but I  _ know  _ you. You’ll be moody for months if your nose is crooked.”

Goro takes his nose between his two index fingers, watching his reflection to try and accurately measure the angle, “Are you saying it is?”

She bats his fingers away, “No.”

“Then why bring it up?” he asks, eyes flickering to glare at her through his mirror.

“Because you have no sense of self-preservation. And I doubt Ren’s much help in that regard.”

Goro just makes a non-committal sound, shoulders coming up in an aborted attempt at a shrug. Ann stands in front of him expectantly until he closes his eyes, covering his eyelids in slimy concealer. He huffs, “Ren’s not much help with anything this past week.”

“That’s your fault.”

“I  _ know.  _ That’s the worst part of it.”

He hears Ann sigh, her warm breath feeling strange against his eyes, “Why don’t you just talk about it?”

As he opens his eyes to give her a look, she pulls them back shut with her thumb, “I’m decently sure talking about it has gotten me into this. It’s okay. It’s better this way.”

She scoffs, delicately dabbing at his under eye, “You royals are  _ way  _ too dramatic.”

“I’m afraid it might just be me who suffers from that affliction.”

“At least you’re aware of it,” she snorts, flicking him on the shoulder. “You both just seem… I dunno, unhappy.”

“It’ll pass.”

“But why?”

“It’s,” he pulls away to sigh, opening his eyes to look at Ann’s concentrated expression, “complicated.”

Her face falters, before she rolls her eyes at him, “Which is Gorospeak for  _ I don’t wanna talk about it. _ ”

Goro gives her a superficial smile, “You know me so well.”

She snorts, “I’m trying to scold you, don’t make me laugh,” but there’s no real malice in it.

“By all means. Scold away.”

“I think you are a little bit self-absorbed.”

“Only a little bit? Thank you.”

“Hush. Have you ever stopped to consider how Ren might feel about this?”

“How do you mean?”

Groaning, she takes his face in her hands, “Exactly, babe. Ren’s upset with you.”

“He said he wasn’t.”

“Ren lies. To spare your feelings. That’s what he does.”

“Then,” he hums, considering, “he should be more honest about it.”

Ann drops him, sighing as she holds her own forehead, “Do you even hear yourself?”

He groans, “Unfortunately.”

Truthfully, he  _ hasn’t _ considered Ren’s feelings in all this. It didn’t really occur to him that any of this would affect Ren too badly; he has plenty of other friends after all, and Goro’s, well,  _ Goro. _ He comes with strings attached: invisible rules and tedious precaution and deafening headlines. Goro certainly doesn’t want to deal with any of that, so why would Ren? Especially when Goro’s taking more from that relationship than he could ever possibly give.

And when Goro might be a little bit of a terrible person.

It seemed like a no-brainer.

Now he just feels like an even worse person. Ren must feel so very motion sick from riding shotgun to Goro’s uncertainty. Too late now, he supposes. The damage has already been done.

“I wish we’d had this conversation earlier.”

Ann swirls a powder brush across his cheeks, “It’s not too late to talk about it.”

“Perhaps,” but he’s only saying it to appease her. Playing with his feelings even more would just be cruel.

She gives him a sigh like she sees right through him, but doesn’t call him out.

“Goro? Oh, wow,” Ren comes into the room, just poking his head around the door really, “you made him look normal again.”

“Thank you,” Ann says, but Goro’s already opened his eyes to stare at himself in the mirror and verify Ren’s claim. It’s true; his skin tone’s even once more and he feels like himself again, fucking  _ elated  _ that he doesn’t have to carry around his traumatic baggage so obviously anymore.

“Wow,” Ren repeats as he comes closer. Goro thinks he might see his hands twitch. “I, uh, I was coming to tell you we have to leave soon.”

Goro can’t even bring himself to make eye contact for more than a second, “Thank you, I’ll be downstairs shortly.”

“You want me to wait?”

“Ann can escort me down.”

Ren sighs, “Okay.”

Goro thinks he sees Ann roll her eyes in the mirror as Ren walks back outside of Goro’s bedroom. When the door finally closes, she pulls at his ear, “Ow! What?”

“That didn’t look like a healthy conversation.”

“Stop! Let go,” he complains, swatting at her until she releases him. “I’m… I’m working up to it.”

“You better,” she says, giving him a hard, stern stare. “Now,” she starts as she flattens down a few stray strands of his hair, “let’s go.”

Ann grabs him by the hand, almost making him fall off his stool and onto the floor as she pulls him. They make their way into his closet and it’s familiar, the way she pushes him in front of his mirrors to search his racks and his drawers. Letting himself be dressed is certainly the easiest thing he’s done all week, and it feels entirely necessary as he watches Ann pick out the right pair of shoes.

Maybe this can be enough. Him and Ann.

If he can just work on ignoring how it feels to be missing a piece of himself. It’ll pass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uwu this week i have been getting really nice feedback and i am a bit overwhelmed so if i'm really slow replying to comments just know i appreciate each and every one you are just all too KIND !!


	12. Chapter 12

At some point, Goro had stopped liking going to parliament. He thinks that it was probably a week after he started going regularly.

His mother had brought him along once or twice when he was really young, back when his father still wasn’t invited, on the condition that he was quiet and didn’t interrupt proceedings. He remembers he’d listen to her soothing voice, and soothing even mid-argument, while he kicked his feet against the wood of the bench. Smiles had been as common as pennies back then, coming to him as easy as breathing, and his mother would hide coughing fits and blood behind them as she grinned across from him.

But sometimes he’d still see cracks of crimson in her teeth.

Shido had taken him a few times after he took the throne. It had still been an overall positive experience, even if his father’s voice was a lot less soothing than his mother’s had been. Goro had basically been groomed to think politics was interesting, after all. He’d listen to all the adults talk about legislation, watching them with twinkling eyes, mentally assessing their speech patterns and their vocabulary so that when the time came he could easily replicate it. He was never allowed to voice his own opinion, of course, but that didn’t stop him from having one. One day, he’d tell himself, one day his thoughts on subjects  _ would  _ matter; one day they would be the only thoughts that truly mattered.

Sort of an egotistical viewpoint, even if it was and still is true, and it seems obvious when he looks back. But he was a lonely child, missing his mother and just wanting someone to listen.

Sae had helped him a lot with those thoughts.

Once he was of the age where going to parliament was expected of him, the novel and enchantment of it all wore all quicker than he anticipated. All the lords and ladies debating things he found boring. Discussing whether they should raise the whale oil tax, or if they should build a statue in Shido’s honour, or what was on the menu for lunch.

Fish and flatbread. It’s always fish and flatbread.

These days especially, he sits and wonders why nobody seems to care about the hundreds or perhaps thousands of homeless people who regularly go without proper meals on Gristol’s streets. The  _ Empire’s _ streets. Gristol and Serkonos and Morley and Tyvia. All those people.

And, Goro thinks as he looks across the room, nobody in this room gives a shit.

Goro used to  _ be  _ one of those people.

He and Ren still aren’t speaking like they usually do, but Ren doesn’t have to say anything to let Goro know how much he detests coming to parliament with him. He just sits there and quietly seethes, almost vibrating with his hatred. Goro’s sure he actually heard him almost growl once while the legislators were discussing a potential pay rise.

Goro thinks he’s learning how to be a better person by watching Ren’s reactions to whatever is said during parliament. It’s not a perfect system, but it’ll do for now.

Today’s agenda has been especially boring; discussion was mostly on the topic of relaxing the already lax housing regulations. Goro doesn’t really see the point, it’s not like the housing market is particularly booming right now, but still. Government persists.

During the break for lunch, Goro decides to feign illness and excuse himself. The whole thing feels like a distraction, an excuse to use when people ask why you aren’t doing anything about the plague.

_ Oh, we’re extremely busy in parliament discussing fucking housing. _ Goro feels sick.

Ren perks up a little as soon as they’re outside of the building. The life comes back to him little by little with every step they take towards the rail station. It’s all physical, though, his resurrection. He doesn’t speak to Goro the entire journey.

It’s weird, not talking to Ren like he usually does. He feels like he’s manoeuvring his way through a minefield, caught between not enough and too much. 

Even if yesterday Ren had still been reading the newspaper upside down on the couch as Goro worked, and scratching down whatever important information Goro had told him onto his wrist like he usually does. Maybe he can privately admit to himself that he’d grown accustomed to Ren’s incessant nattering, his stupid jokes, and now the silence is eerie.

Because that’s easier than saying he’d started to like having him around.

Obviously, all that’s out of his control anyway; it’s not like it would’ve happened if he could’ve stopped it. So this is just him taking control of a bad situation. Before it spirals. Again. And denying himself is a habit he’d started forming at the age twelve. It doesn’t come easy, but it’s his duty and responsibility and blah blah  _ blah _ .

Perhaps denying himself a friend now that he doesn’t have Sae is harder than it usually is. Goro seems to have all these words inside him that don’t have an outlet anymore, and he can’t let it be Ren, he  _ won’t _ . Maybe he should start a diary.

Ha. What would he fucking fill it with? Gay panic?

_ Regular panic. This is regular panic. _

He’s so pathetic.

Goro wants so badly to be angry at Ren, but it’s his own fault, isn’t it? The single thought is on loop in his mind as he sits in the carriage with Ren across from him while they travel back to Dunwall Tower. It’s an utterly stifling atmosphere, so thick and heavy that Goro thinks he could choke.

Trying to distract himself, he looks outside the window, chin on his elbow. The ride’s smooth as always, but not that nor the hum and crackle of electricity can calm him like they usually do. Ren’s not even looking at him and he can somehow feel his eyes on his skin like red hot metal.

He takes a deep breath, focusing instead on the river as they ride over it. Wrenhaven had been so lovely once. Whenever he thinks of it, he still imagines the picturesque view; all crystal blue and crisp white waves. It’s not the reality.

Wrenhaven is now just where the poor give their dead a proper sendoff. If they don’t get burned in the street first. The plague has gutted his city.

Back when things were easier, Goro’s mother would take him on walks along on particular stretch of the river, where they didn’t seem out of place. Thinking about it, Goro doesn’t think he’s felt anything  _ but  _ out of place since she died. Funny.

Especially right now, actually, sitting in a carriage with a man who he himself has pushed away, who will barely even speak to him anymore. It’s so frustrating, why is he looking at him but not looking at him? What does he think he’ll fucking see?

What does he fucking want from him? This would all be so much easier if he just _stopped fucking looking-_

“You okay, your Highness?”

Goro scowls at him, “You know I hate that title. Don’t be a child about this.”

Ren sighs, looking out of the window on his side, “I thought it might be necessary now. I’m trying to be  _ mature  _ about this.”

“I know. That’s what makes it so annoying.”

“I don’t get it. You’re the one that wanted this, not me.”

“It’s complicated.”

“It’s not complicated. I’m respecting your wishes.”

“Don’t pretend to understand. It  _ is  _ complicated.”

Goro doesn’t miss the way Ren rolls his eyes, “Being scared I’m gonna die doesn’t seem all that complicated to me.”

“... Who told you that?”

“You did. When you were wasted.”

“Oh,” Goro doesn’t really know what to say to that. The only thing that really comes to mind is how sheer embarrassment starts to filter through his organs like he’s being embalmed. He really needs to stay off the booze.  “Your  _ job  _ is to die for me, Ren,” is what he eventually settles on, voice timid but somehow deafening in the crampedness of the carriage.

“Well, you’re doing a great job at making me not want to.”

_ Fuck you fuck you fuck you. _

“Quit, then,” he spits, tone acidic with something he doesn’t quite understand.

“Now who’s being a child?”

“Both of us.”

Ren curls his lips inward, setting his jaw in a clear attempt not to laugh. “Ren, it’s not funny. I’m being serious.”

“When are you not?” he is laughing now, hand rubbing at his eyes. “Do you ever fucking give it a rest?”

“Oh, rich coming from you. This week of practical silence has been a breath of fresh air.”

_ Good fucking job having a healthy conversation about this, Goro. _

“Well, I’m honoured to continue it then, your Highness.”

Goro bangs his hand against the seat, “I told you,” he yells, “to stop fucking calling me that!” 

The carriage stops. Ren doesn’t move, and Goro takes a deep breath before going for the door handle. His brow furrows, “Why have we stopped?”

“What do you mean?”

“We’re not at Dunwall Tower, we’re still over the river.”

“How could we have-” Ren starts, standing up as best he can in the confined space, hand on his sword under his coat.

“Oh, do you think-”

“Stay here.”

And where can Goro go really? He’s trapped in a carriage on electrified rails above a river of rotting corpses. Ren kicks open the door, pulling himself onto the roof and Goro is alone.

It’s quiet, for a minute. Alone in the rail car, Goro wonders if Ren’s even up there, if he’s been abandoned. What if he’s been set up? What if it’s a petty revenge plan for insulting Ren’s pride or whatever offence he’d taken. Fuck, and now Goro’s going to die for it.

Fuck, calm down, Goro. He’s far too paranoid to deal with this.

It’s fine, it’s  _ fine. _ It’s just an electrical fault, the whale oil canister ran out, there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why they stopped. Any moment now someone will fix whatever’s wrong and they’ll get going again. He’ll get home to Dunwall Tower safe and soundly and-

Something crashes on the roof. Goro jumps, holding the seat to steady himself. He hears, he thinks, Ren give a grunt of pain, followed by more crashing. The carriage shakes with movement. “Ren!” he shouts, trying to stand up with his head out of the window and see what’s going on.

There’s more shouting up top, crashing, clinking of metal.

Someone rolls into the door Ren kicked open, trying to climb in. There’s a mask covering their face. On pure instinct, Goro shoves them hard, gasping as they fall back. They grab the step on the outside of the car before they can fall. “ _ Shit _ ,” he gulps, “fuck. Ren!”

“Stay in the carriage, Goro, I’m-” he’s cut off by a loud bang. Fuck.

The masked person is pulling themselves back up faster than Goro can think to move.

This is it. This is exactly what he was afraid of. He’s going to lose Ren and he’s going to have someone else’s blood on his hands,  _ again _ . And then he’s going to die at the hands of some fucking  _ assassins. _ They’re not even going to be able to tell which sea-rotten body in the river is his, all waterlogged and eaten and-

Hands are clasping around his neck before he can finish the thought.

“Shit, please, don’t.”

His assailant stays silent as he drags him to the other side of the carriage, the barrel of his gun steady against his temple.

There’s a shout from above before he can manage to get his head at the right angle to see, long and drawn-out, followed by a splash. “No!”

“Goro?” It’s Ren.

He tries to call out, but all of a sudden there’s fingers slapped across his mouth. “Tell him you’re okay,” they whisper into his ear.

Goro takes a steadying breath, swallowing back all his nerves. “I’m okay.”

“Where’d the other one go?”

“Into the river,” and Goro can feel the warmth of their breath even through their mask.

“Into the river.”

“I didn’t hear a splash.”

Goro feels the arm tighten around his neck, and has to bite his cheek so that he doesn’t make the frightened noise that threatens to escape. “I pushed him,” he says instead, feeling the body behind him tense in apprehension.

“Oh. Okay,” he hears Ren say, “I’m coming back in then.”  Ren swings his way back onto the edge of the car, immediately on his feet with spectacular grace, gun in his hand pointed at the masked person behind Goro. “Let him go.”

“Move and I’ll kill him.”

Ren shifts, narrowing his eyes as he tilts his chin up, “Why haven’t you done it already?”

“We have no interest in killing him,” but despite the words, Goro feels the grip around him squeeze.

“I can’t let you kidnap him, either. Sorry.”

“Ren, just le-” he tries to speak, but once again he’s silenced by a hand over his mouth and the gun’s barrel pressing hard into his skull.

Goro sees Ren gulp, looking strangely out of his depth, “What do you want with him?”

The assassin just stares him down.

“Come on,” Ren says, lowering his gun and shuffling forward slightly, “I bet we could talk it out, for the right price.”

Fuck.  _ Fuck.  _ Is this really happening to him right now? Is Ren really fucking turning on him  _ now? Shit. _ He tries to wrestle out of the assassin’s hold, glaring hard at Ren as he tries to kick at him.

“Oh, he  _ really  _ doesn’t like that,” Ren cooes. “So just tell me what you want him for, and I’ll let you go so long as I get a cut.”

Goro tries to scream at him, but the masked person just hits him hard with the butt of the gun. He thinks he might see Ren wince, though the pain is too intense as it catches on one of his bruises. It hurts so intensely that it makes his vision falter, darkness and bursting stars swimming along his retinas, and what he can see is blurred with tears.

“You don’t have to be so rough with him,” he thinks that Ren might be clenching his jaw.

The person behind him sneers, turning the gun on Ren now, “Why do you care? You’re trying to sell him out.”

“Well, I’m sure whoever you’re working for doesn’t want their merchandise damaged.”

Goro hears a scoff brush past his ear, “I’m not working for no-one.”

Ren makes a noise like he’s frowning, “So this is just a hobby of yours?”

“No,” they grunt, “this is for the people of Dunwall.”

And if Ren is just going to have a chat with someone who is trying to _steal_ him, then Goro will just have to find his way out of this situation himself. Slowly, as they keep talking, he opens his mouth again and turns his head to the side. Ren makes eye contact with him, he thinks, and he might nod, so Goro takes his opportunity.

He bites down hard on the person’s wrist, enough to draw blood and make them yell. Ren jumps forward to snatch the gun from their hand before they can steady themselves enough to fire it, while Goro spins and kicks them hard in the chest. So hard that they stumble backwards and out of the window of the carriage.

He’s panting, desperately trying to draw fresh air after being suffocated by leather for so long as he sits back down onto the seat. “Fuck,” he breathes.

“You okay?” Ren asks, kneeling in front of him and gently placing his hands on Goro’s knees.

“Yes,” but it doesn’t sound very convincing to his own ears, voice coming out of him shaky and thick.

Shit. He can’t seem to get his thoughts in order.

“You’re alright,” he soothes, brushing his hair out of his eyes, “hey, Goro. It’s okay.”

“It’s not fucking okay! Get off me,” he shouts, shoving at him.

“Hey, stop it.”

“No, don’t fucking touch me. You were going to- to let them have me.”

“Goro, stop,” he says, voice firm in a way that makes Goro almost want to calm down and listen. “I wasn’t gonna let them take you. I wanted information, that’s all. I promise you.”

Looking at Ren’s glasses instead of his eyes, Goro slowly nods at him, though he still feels an intense disconnect. “Okay. Okay. Sorry. I’m fine,” he sniffs, wiping gently at his eyes.

“You aren’t, it’s okay. Hey, look at me?”

Goro does.

“I’m gonna keep you safe. Trust me.”

“I do,” and for some reason he finds that he  _ does. _ Even though he’d just watched him go wildly off-script and pretend to sell him out without a second thought, Goro trusts him implicitly.

“Stay there, more might be on their way,” he says, reaching up to grab at the roof of the carriage so that he can jump back on.

“Wait. Are  _ you  _ okay?” he asks, grabbing at his shoulder to keep him inside the car.

“Yeah, I think so. They-” the carriage jolts backward, and Ren yelps as he stumbles. Goro grabs at his hand, giving him something to hold onto.

Pulling on his hand, he drags Ren down into a seat beside him. Ren closes the door behind him as they settle; Goro can’t make himself let go of Ren. “You’re bleeding,” there’s blood dripping from underneath his hair, slashes across his other arm and chest.

“It’s fine,” he’s keeping his gaze firmly out of the window as they drive backwards, watchful for any other attackers.

“It’s not fine,” Goro argues gently, taking his jacket off, letting go of Ren just for a moment, to put pressure on his head wound.

“Thanks.”

“It’s nothing. I wish I had a real bandage for you.”

“I’m fine. Don’t worry.”

Goro doesn’t say that he has every right to be worried right now. Instead he just curls in closer to Ren and says, “Okay.”

The rest of the ride is in relative silence. Neither of them want to express the real fear that the carriage station might have been hijacked, and they’re just helplessly riding into an ambush. Goro can’t stop thinking about things like that.

Like having all his limbs bound together, or being thrown into a bag, or just being shoved to his knees and shot right there and then like a dog. He wouldn’t even know who his assassin was that way, nothing but a black mask and a gun.

Or maybe they’d just make him watch as they drag Ren out of the carriage and dump his body on the floor, as they dig a heel into his neck and put a bullet in his skull. Goro doesn’t like how his head makes him picture it. He clings to Ren tighter.

All of this should feel  _ justified _ now. He’s seen Ren almost die because of him just like Sae, but somehow he feels more terrified. Terrified instead of the possibility of  _ not _ knowing Ren, which he hadn’t really accounted for. If someone is dying for him, it’s the least he can do to know them. Mourning for Ren would be what Ren deserves.

Fuck. Goro’s so fucking selfish.

Stupid too. But it’s not like any of this is new information.

Someone new tries to take his hand to pull him out of the carriage and he recoils back into Ren. “Goro, it’s okay,” Ren whispers to him, gently pushing him off so that they can both leave.

“My apologies,” his voice comes out as a mumble to the City Watch guard who’d attempted to help him out of the carriage. He doesn’t even spare him a glance, eyes focused on the floor and arms focused on holding onto his Protector.

“It’s alright, your Highness.”

Someone else might say something, Goro doesn’t really know. He feels… numb. He feels _sick._ People keep touching him but all he can make out is vague limbs vignetted in black. He can’t see, he can’t hear, he can’t speak,  _ fuck, _ he can’t breathe.

Goro must pass out sometime during it all. But he keeps his vice grip on Ren’s hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the slow burn is about to become a very very fast burn. someone poured gasoline on my fic and it was me


	13. Chapter 13

In Goro’s quarters, hidden behind a bookshelf and a door made of thick steel, is his safe room. It had been built long before he was born, by some paranoid Empress who had loved her son more than she loved herself, with the intent of keeping him safe in the event of an attack.

Its existence was supposed to be a secret, but Goro had spent most of his childhood in there, hiding away from his father after his mother died. So essentially the whole staff knows about it now, after having to restock the supplies in there every week.

It’s where Goro spends the rest of the day after the carriage attack.

He wakes up from passing out at some point when they’re driving back to Dunwall Tower again, blearily blinking himself away to see two unfamiliar guards sitting across from him. It’s instinctual to start to panic once more, before he registers the gloved hand in his hair, the lap beneath his head.

It’s Ren, he knows it before he even glances up to check, a feeling of protection that surrusitates from his head down through to his feet. He’s safe as long as he’s here. Ren won’t let anything happen to him.

And it’s in that comforting aura that he finds himself drifting away again before anyone even notices that he’s awake.

The second time, he wakes up in bed alone. It’s more frightening than he anticipated, to be alone. He gets up, double checks the locks on each of his windows, momentarily considers putting a chair against the door handle, before deciding that he’s not going to let this get to him so badly, and gets back into bed. If he pulls the covers up over his head to help calm the anxiety welling up in his gut, then nobody has to know.

It’s quiet for a while, but all it does is make Goro feel like he’s hiding from something. Just cowering from the monster under his bed like a child.

Someone comes in, eventually. And he definitely doesn’t tense up in his bed at the sound of the door opening.

“Are you awake?” Goro starts breathing again when he realises that it’s Ren.

“Mhm,” he hums, laying flat on his back and pulling the cover down to just under his eyes. “How long was I asleep for?”

“A few hours. It’s evening now.”

“I’m hungry.”

Ren gives him a tired smile, all tense at the corners, “I’m not surprised. We could go get dinner if you want?”

Goro sits up, shaking his head as the blanket pools around his waist. “No. I can’t.”

“I’ll be there, it’ll be alright,” like Ren can read his mind. Like he knows what he’s thinking before he’s even had the thought.

For a moment, Goro thinks about agreeing with him. About seeing the sympathetic stares of all the staff, the guards, whatever nobility is milling around the palace; that feels worse than the paranoia of danger, if he’s honest.

Though the stupid fear of danger that makes his palm sweat is also quite uncomfortable. He doesn’t trust anyone but Ren. Maybe Ann.

“I’m… I’m going to spend some time in my safe room.”

“Okay,” Ren says, watching Goro pad across the room to the bookshelf. He’d been briefed on the existence of the room, so it’s no surprise as Goro pulls out one of the books to reveal the steel door. Goro slots his signet ring into the lock and twists until the mechanism clicks and the door slides open. “Am I coming?”

Goro just holds out his hand in response, silently requesting that he take it.

They stay in there for what could be minutes or could be hours before one of them speaks. Ren is being, well,  _ Ren, _ and draping himself over the couch with a book in one hand and an apple in the other, with his legs kicked over the back. Goro slots himself into the little alcove of the room, where his mattress is, and just wraps himself in his sheets. He stares at the walls for so long that they start to move before his eyes.

Every time he closes his eyes he sees a masked assassin on the backs of his eyelids.

“What did they mean?” he asks, and truly he doesn’t mean to speak. He finds the silence comfortable.

“What did who mean?” Ren asks right back, eyes peeking up at Goro over his book.

“The… When they said- that it was for Dunwall.”

“Oh, I dunno. I wouldn’t worry too much about it.”

Goro scoffs, pulling the blankets tighter around his shoulders, “I can’t do anything  _ but _ worry about it.”

Sighing, Ren gets up, tossing his book and apple onto the table, and comes to sit in front of Goro. “Well, don’t. ‘Cause that’s my job.”

“I suppose,” but Goro still can’t make his eyes focus on the body in front of him as he draws mindless circles in the silk.

“Do you wanna talk about something else? Take your mind off things?”

“Perhaps we could just sit quietly for a bit?”

“Ok. Yeah, sure.”

“You’re a very… comforting presence.”

Ren doesn’t say anything in reply. He just watches Goro’s fingers as they swirl across the fabric of his sheets. It’s a few moments of this before Ren catches his wrist in between deft fingers, laying both of their hands flat against each other on the mattress. The fluidity of the movement catches Goro’s attention, gaze flickering down to the bed.

He feels guilty. He feels so guilty and horrible and bad. Goro is a bad person.

He’s played with Ren’s emotions far too much. He can see it in his tense smiles, in his tired eyes. Ren’s hurt. And it’s his fault.

“I’m sorry,” because it feels like the only thing he can say to try and make it all better.

“For what?” Ren’s still staring at their hands.

“Being so uncaring towards you.”

A little breath of laughter escapes Ren’s nose, “Isn’t that the idea?”

“No. I mean it. I’m an awful person.”

Ren’s fingers slip in between the gaps of Goro’s fingers. “You’re being dramatic.”

“I’m not. I would appreciate it if you didn’t downplay your emotions so that you don’t hurt my feelings.”

Another breath of laughter, “You’ve been spending too much time with Ann.”

“Stop deflecting. Please?”

The breath that leaves him is harsher this time, more aggravated, more of a scoff, “What do you want me to say, Goro? You change your mind so much that it gives me a headache.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t want to do it anymore. I really do like you.”

“No, you just think you owe me because I saved your life.”

“ _ No. _ I do. I like being around you. You make me a better person.”

“I just don’t get it,” he sighs. “What changed?”

Goro flips his hand over, to brush his fingers against Ren’s knuckles. “I… I was being selfish.”

“And you only just realised?”

He frowns, but continues nonetheless, “I don’t want to regret not knowing you. And you don’t deserve to… feel hurt because I’m a coward.”

“You’re not a coward.”

“I am.”

“You’re  _ not. _ You have trauma, it’s okay,” Ren sighs, brushing his free hand into Goro’s hair. “You’re still grieving, Goro.”

“I’m not,” he scoffs, pulling away. “I’m fine.”

Ren huffs, “Okay. You’re fine.”

“Yes.”

“... So where does that leave us?”

Shrugging, Goro swallows thickly, “I’m unsure. I know that I seem to miss you.”

“I never went anywhere,” he snorts.

“But you weren’t really here. Not… I just missed joking with you, I suppose.”

“Yeah.”

Goro tries for a smile, “I believe you’re supposed to say something nice back.”

“Okay,” he inhales, staring off into space as he thinks, “I liked it when you weren’t being an asshole.”

Goro’s lips frown at him of their own accord, “That’s not particularly nice.”

“I said I liked you, didn’t I?”

“I suppose.”

Ren just gives him another tense smile.

“Can you smile at me properly, please?”

“What?”

“You keep giving me these awful smiles and I can’t stand it.”

Ren snorts. “Okay. How ‘bout this?” he asks, smiling so wide that his eyes close, showing Goro all of his teeth.

Goro finds himself smiling too. “Better.”

“Thank you,” he chuckles as his face relaxes back to normal, “now, was that all or-?”

And before Goro can talk himself out of it, he launches himself forward at Ren, wrapping his arms around his shoulders and clasping his fingers together at his spine. There’s a little surprised gasp, a puff of air Goro knocks out of Ren with the force of it, and it makes something ache deep inside Goro when he feels him replenish his oxygen. Ren doesn’t waste time in returning the embrace, one arm holding him by the waist, the other stroking at his head as it rests in his collarbone with a sense of loving that Goro hasn’t known for years.

Goro doesn’t realise that he’s hyperventilating until the blood stops rushing through his ears and he hears Ren speaking, “Shh, shh. It’s okay.”

“I- I- I-,”

“It’s alright, you don’t have to say anything.”

So Goro doesn’t.

He just senses the rise and fall of Ren’s chest and tries his hardest to match up their breathing. In and out, in and out, slowly and carefully, everything feeling so intentional. Like how Ren’s hands brush over the top of his head with intent to soothe, how the pressure of the arm around his waist is so intense so Goro feels safe. Like Ren is an impenetrable fortress and nothing outside of him matters.

Goro thinks he could live like this. Eyes closed against Ren’s jacket, breathing in his scent; coffee and smoke.

“Thank you,” he mumbles, even though the sound gets lost somewhere in the leather.

Ren holds him impossibly tighter in response.

* * *

It’s sometime later, after someone has come to give them their dinner, that Goro feels things getting back to normal. Eating together is… domestic under these circumstances; when they're sitting together on Goro's bed and not across from each other at a stuffy table, being watched by whoever wants to look.

Though like hug still hangs in the air, creating a certain awkwardness that is almost palpable.

Goro thinks he needs to learn the difference between too much and not enough.

But he doesn’t regret it. Hugging Ren.

How could he? It had been some of the only real affection he’d experienced in so long, and it felt so good to indulge in the moment. Ren feels… safe. Like whatever home’s supposed to feel like.

“You look like you’re thinking.”

“Hm?” he hums, looking up from the tray of food to catch Ren’s eyes. “I always am.”

“Yeah. I know.”

“I’m afraid I don’t understand your meaning.”

Ren scoffs a laugh around the rim of his coffee mug, “There’s no meaning. I was just making conversation.”

“Oh,” and he returns to staring at his plate for a moment.

It’s strange, knowing what Ren smells like up close now. Is he supposed to forget? It does seem like a very intimate thing. He’d never known what Sae smelled like up close, but it was probably that perfume that tickled his nose since she liked it so much. Ren’s smell is better, even if the smoke does make his throat itch, and Goro isn’t really sure he  _ wants  _ to forget. Odd.

Maybe he’s-

“You could tell me what you were thinking about. If you want.”

“Ah, um, nothing really,” because he can’t tell him the truth. “Just… how much my father is going to get on at me for having the audacity to be attacked.”

“You should stand up to him,” Ren says. Goro wishes it was that easy.

Subconsciously, Goro’s hands come up to cup his own cheeks, “I can’t.”

“I can hit him back for you if you don’t want to risk getting thrown out.”

Goro laughs once, more tired than entertained. “I appreciate that.”

“It’s a serious offer.”

“You don’t have to go getting yourself executed for me.”

Ren snorts, shifting onto his side and lying across Goro’s bed, “I’d love to see him try.”

Goro finds himself smiling wryly down at him, “You’re so cocky.”

“I have the skills to back it up,” he shrugs, “or did you forget I saved your life?”

“No,” Goro says, lips turning down into a frown. Somehow he feels a phantom grip on his neck, and he can almost feel his lungs start to ache. “Thank you.”

“What for?”

“Saving my life.”

Ren scrunches his nose, stabbing the fork around his plate. “You did most of the work, honestly.”

“I didn’t.”

“And it was about time I earned my keep anyway.”

Goro just stares at him blankly for a moment, before he snorts, “Funny.”

“What is?”

“I just- I would’ve thought you would accept thanks and praise more readily, is all.”

“Fuck off.”

“Is it not fair to say?”

Ren sighs as he falls to his back, weight coming off of his elbow. “I just don’t think it’s worth thanking me over. I did what anyone would do.”

“It was brave of you.”

“Braver of you to fucking  _ bite  _ the guy, I mean, come  _ on. _ ”

Goro shifts over to him a little, to look down at his expression, “You’re deflecting again.”

“What’s your point?”

“Is this how I make  _ you  _ blush, Ren Amamiya?”

The skin of Ren’s face turns hot, Goro can feel it from his position feet away, “No.”

“Oh,  _ Lord Ren, _ you were so strong and valiant, jumping up onto a carriage roof to rescue me, the poor, defenceless Prince. However should I thank you for your trouble?”

Ren doesn’t go pink, exactly, more of a more vivid peachiness, but he does frown up at Goro, “You’re dangerous when you flirt back at me.”

“I- I’m not flirting with you!” he scoffs, wildly shaking his head as he pulls back and away from Ren.

He just laughs in response, sitting back up on his hands, “ _ However should I thank you? _ How did you want me to answer that?”

Goro scoffs, “I- I don’t know! Monetarily?”

“I thought you knew me better than that.”

“I thought _you_ knew me better than to think I’d flirt with you.”

“Aw,” Ren frowns, a mockingly mopey look adorning his face, “am I really so unattractive?”

“That’s not- It’s not about  _ attractiveness. _ It’s about remaining appropriate.”

“So you do think I’m attractive?”

“ _ Ren. _ ”

Tutting, Ren rolls his eyes and flops onto his back once more, “ _ Goro. _ ”

“You’re so difficult sometimes.”

“I’m difficult,” he guffaws, “me?”

“Yes. But  _ I  _ don’t claim to be an easy person to deal with either.”

“Good. Because that would be a lie, and what would your governess think?”

Goro sticks a bite of food in his mouth and glares at Ren as he chews. “Are you ever going to let that go?”

“Nope,” he grins, tearing off the corner of his bread roll with his teeth, “there’s too much comedic potential.”

Rolling his eyes, Goro sighs, “I still don’t see the humour.”

“Well, maybe I can be a governess, but for your sense of humour.”

“Oh, perfect! And I can be your governess, and we’ll work on holding our tongues.”

Begrudgingly, Ren sticks out his tongue and places it between the leather of his gloves, “Ith thith wha’ you ‘ean?”

Goro swats his hand away, “Don’t be disgusting.”

“You’re the one who wanted to be my friend.”

“Now you’re changing the narrative. That isn’t what happened.”

Ren scrunches his eyes, looking off somewhere to his right, “I think that’s exactly how it happened. And then you gave me a big, sappy hug.”

And Goro can feel his cheeks burning. “You didn’t push me away.”

“Yeah. Luckily for you I really enjoy big, sappy hugs.”

“Thank goodness,” Goro says sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

Ren just stares at him for a while after that. Goro pretends like he doesn’t notice, tries to finish his meal in silence, but he has such a dumb smile on his face and he’s so  _ relentless, _ that it’s nothing but a futile effort. “What?”

“I’m just… I’m really happy to know you.”

“You…” because what is he supposed to say in response? “Nobody’s ever said that to me before.”

“Well, now someone has.”

“Yes, I suppose,” he says, with an almost breathless quality to his voice.

Ren sniffs a laugh, “You look like you’re about to cry.”

“My apologies.”

“Yeah. You look like I just kicked your puppy.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Just- you could stand to smile a little.”

Goro doesn’t. Just keeps staring at him with his stupid, sad eyes. “I feel as though I have to… do something.”

Ren rolls his eyes at him, getting up to his knees and pushing their trays out of the way. “Yeah,” he says simply, pulling Goro close by his shoulders and holding him close again, “you know, you can just  _ ask  _ for a hug.”

“I didn’t know I wanted one,” he sighs as he hugs back, arms clasping Ren’s back tight.

Ren smushes his cheek into Goro’s shoulder, “But it was so obvious.”

“I’m not… good with these types of things.”

“What? Hugging?”

“Physical affection.”

He feels the breath coming off of Ren’s laughter blow through strands of his hair, “I’ll say.”

And it feels strange, and strange in the way of novelness, that this is something that they do now. They hug. It almost seems pathetically wimpy to say in his head, but the voice that tells him that sounds an awful lot like Shido’s does, so perhaps it’s best ignored.

But they  _ hug _ now. And the realisation that every other part of his body practically buzzes with excitement at the mere idea is scarier than it should be. Maybe he just wants to be touched. He’d learned something about that once in his natural philosophy classes; how people can get starved of touch if they go without it for long enough. Maybe that’s what he is.

When Ren pulls away, he ruffles at Goro’s hair like he can’t believe how soft it is, with a tiny smirk on his face.

Words get stuck in Goro’s throat. He doesn’t know what they are.

“Ren,” he says instead, because somehow it comes easily. Like verbal filler.

“Goro?”

“Will you- ah. Will you stay in here with me tonight?”

“Sure, the couches in here are pretty comfortable, so-,”

“No, I meant… here,” he says, patting the sheet by his knee. “I’m just… I find myself quite terrified to be alone.”

Ren gives him one of his usual smiles again and the world feels righted.

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the promised fluff..... this chapter was too sweet it gave me a cavity. quite literally. i just got a filling


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the part where i tell you to turn off your screens if you're not comfortable with nsfw content

“Goro? Are you awake?”

Goro’s known Ren hasn’t been asleep for ages. He’s not subtle, in the way he tosses and turns and huffs at least once every minute. It’s been keeping Goro awake, all his fidgeting, but he hadn’t wanted to say anything, he’d already felt awkward enough.

Sharing a bed with someone isn’t as comfortable as he’d thought it’d be. It’s much too warm and he can’t stretch out the way he usually does before curling up into his cosy ball.

But there’s something to be said about how the body next to him makes him feel.

“Hm?” he hums back, eyes still closed as he rests his cheek against his pillow.

“Is the harp yours?”

Goro scoffs a laugh, rolling over to see Ren staring off into the corner, “Who else would it belong to?”

“You play?”

“On occasion, when I have time.”

“You any good?”

“Of course. I haven’t studied it for nearly two decades to be mediocre.”

Ren snorts at him, “Can you play something for me?”

“It’s the middle of the night,” Goro says flatly, stifling his yawn. “Perhaps tomorrow.”

“Mm,” Ren groans, wiggling his body on the mattress, “I can’t sleep.”

“Sorry. You can go, if you want.”

Ren reaches out to touch his arm, “No. I wouldn’t be able to sleep anywhere.”

And somehow Goro’s sleepy enough that he just lets himself be touched, almost leaning into it as Ren’s thumb rubs itself back and forth against his sleeve.

“Are you…” he mumbles, “are you still wearing those gloves?”

He feels Ren nod, an odd snorting sound leaving his mouth, “Yeah.”

“Why?”

“I didn’t bring my pajamas.”

“Oh,” Goro nods, so tired that it seems like a reasonable thing to say. “M’sleepy.”

Ren hums, “Go to sleep.”

“But you’re not-,”

“I’m fine. Go to sleep.”

“No,” he groans, but he can already feel sleep overtaking him. His breathing slows to a snail’s pace, blackness encompassing him like a heavy blanket.

Goro likes being unconscious. It’s probably his favourite part of the day, where he can just forget about things for a few hours and relax. His worries and struggles don’t mean a thing while he’s asleep, no stress, no horrible guilty aches.

So when he feels himself stir to the feeling of somebody petting him like a dog, he almost wants to be mad. “Mm, what?” he grumbles, fidgeting under the touch.

“Goro,” they say, voice coming airy and gentle. It’s strange, how unfamiliar it is, but what seems stranger is how unafraid he is of it. He should be terrified that someone’s found their way into his safe room, should call for Ren’s help, but he can’t make himself.

“What?” he groans, rolling onto his side to get his bearings, but all he can see is a silhouette. “Who-?” but he’s silenced by lips on his.

There’s a moment he pulls back, but hands are somehow already in his hair and holding him in place, and he finds that he doesn’t really mind all that much anyway. Actually, Goro might like it, he thinks, kissing back as good as he’s getting.

The body climbs over him, pushing him back into the mattress, when Goro becomes aware of the fact that he’s not wearing any clothes. “Why am I- Where’s-?”

“ _ Goro, _ ” and that’s definitely a moan now, oh  _ fuck. _ He feels a hardness growing against his hip, familiar in a way he’s only experienced for himself. It’s different, feeling somebody else’s arousal, so objective and definite that he can’t overthink himself into doubt. It’s erotic. It’s so hot. Goro feels light-headed, all his blood rushing south.

Goro feels his breath increase, panting as his hips develop a mind of their own and start rutting up into the meat of the thigh above him. It’s an easy glide, but the other body adjusts to frot together instead. Goro takes shallow breaths as the feelings all build into an intense cocktail of pleasure, soft moans on almost every exhale.

“Goro,” says the voice as they rock against him slow, gentle. The fingers in his hair trail down to his neck, and they skim easily over his bruises. Goro’s hand comes up to hold it against his skin, increasing pressure until it’s just on the edge of too much.

He makes a high, pitchy whining sound in the back of his throat, earning a soft chuckle from his partner. Goro doesn’t want to think about how familiar it’s becoming. All Goro wants to think about is the tension in his gut, like one tiny snip could tear him apart; how warm the presence between his legs is.

The hand on his neck pulls away, pulls down: to his chest, to pinch at a nipple, to knead at the tightness in his belly, to finally wrap slender fingers around both of their cocks. “Oh,” he writhes, pressing his full weight back into the mattress as his spine tenses up.

“That good?”

All Goro can do in response is whine and nod his stiff head in tiny movements. He wants- fuck, he  _ wants.  _ The desire is almost tangible in the way he grabs at the body above him. Grabbing tight, chest to chest, he runs nails down the back hard enough to leave marks, revelling in the sounds that pour from the mouth. “Fuck, kiss me.”

He doesn’t wait for the response, pulling tight onto curly strands to collide his lips with lips. Goro’s eyes squeeze shut, scrunched hard so he doesn’t have to face what he’s doing. Just focused on the slide of soft lips and tongue against his teeth, on how he feels groans vibrate into his mouth, how it feels to nibble gently on someone else’s bottom lip.

Goro pulls back on the curls, keeping his eyes shut. Immediately, harsh kisses are placed instead across his face: cheeks, eyelids, nose, “Goro, come on, look at me. I wanna see your orgasm, come on.”

“Oh.”

“Honey,” the voice moans, “look at me.”

And the voice speaks to him so firmly that he can’t help but  _ want _ to obey.

His vision is blurry from how hard he was squeezing his eyelids, but he can clearly see that somehow it’s light now. Whether someone turned on a lamp or the sun rose he doesn’t remember, all he knows he can see the fuzzy shape of the person holding him down and tugging at his cock.

“Oh, that’s it, Goro, fuck. So good.”

There’s a wild mess of black atop what could be the head, and Goro has to fight the urge to close his eyes again out of fear. Instead, he grabs at the neck and shoves it into the crook of his own so he doesn’t have to look. But now all he can see is the stupid, familiar, ratty curls covering his fingers, feels the cold press of glasses in his shoulder, the hard press of red leather holding his cock in place.

Fuck, he knows who it is now, and he still doesn’t want to stop.

Goro whines at the sensations, the praise mixing with the pain mixing with the comfort. It’s all too much, and it just keeps growing and growing and growing until-

Until he wakes up.

_ What the fuck. _

That was- that. Holy shit.

The body beneath him gives an aggressive snore that startles him back to his surroundings. Goro is laying half on top of Ren, erection still half-pressing into his thigh. Holy  _ fuck. _

Goro scrambles away from him, pushing his back up to the wall and digging his nails into his legs. Ren remains sound asleep.

He- He really didn’t… That didn’t just happen. No, of course not. He must have been confused or, fuck. Goro’s fucking  _ fucked. _

Ren’s body stirs again, hand reaching out to try and grasp at the lost warmth of Goro’s body. The nails dig themselves harder into Goro’s thighs.

Before he can really think too hard about it, he runs off to the bathroom, triple-checking that the door is locked behind him. Once he does, he shoves his back up against it and tries to level his breathing. It doesn’t work. Instead, he’s just watching his flushed face as he pants out an anxiety attack in the mirror.

Okay. Fuck. Calm down, Goro. It was just a dream. People can’t control their dreams. So what if maybe he liked it? Anyone would’ve. Ren’s-

Ren’s-

Ren’s really beautiful, actually. Has Ren always been? He’s good looking, sure, but…

Fuck. Maybe it did mean something. Is Goro attracted to Ren? Since when?

He looks down at the floor, trying to regain steadier breaths. He’s still hard. Normally, he’d just deal with it as quickly as possible but it seems… wrong, somehow. As if it would just be morally wrong.

Goro grits his teeth, pulling his mouth to the side. How much does he really care? Yeah, maybe it feels weird that it’s technically-kind-of-sort-of Ren’s fault, but… it had felt really good - in the dream.

Gingerly, he presses a palm to himself and- no. No, no, no. It feels wrong. He’ll just wait. For however long it takes.

Goro spends half an hour in the bathroom before he goes back into the main room. And when he crawls back into bed, he makes sure to press himself against the wall as much as he can, shifting completely out of Ren’s space. It’s uncomfortable.

* * *

And it doesn’t even fucking work. He wakes up in the morning, once more, with his arm and leg flung around Ren’s chest. Thankfully, he’s woken before Ren, which gives him time to separate himself (even though he finds that he doesn’t really want to).

Goro sits on one of the couches with his legs to his chest and a book in his hands, a plate of fruit to his side since he can’t make himself step outside and get breakfast. And he just reads. Immerses himself into a different world so he can try to forget about that stupid fucking dream for a little while.

That dream that if he was smart, he would just stop thinking about all together. Just repress it below the surface and never let anyone reach it with a ten inch pole.

Goro is not a smart man.

Goro keeps replaying it on loop in his head, like some kind of sick porno.  _ The Prince and the Protector. _ Fuck. He feels so dirty. The type of dirty that a hundred showers couldn’t wash away. But it doesn’t stop him thinking about it.

Would Ren really feel like that against him, all hot and intense and perfect? Would it really sound so amazing when he moaned his name? Would kissing him feel like coming home?

And he really shouldn't think about _kissing_ Ren. The rest of it feels wrong but that, the romance of it all, feels so much worse. Because rogue sexual thoughts can be explained as just that, just pure sex: Goro's a pent up virgin, so he thinks maybe he can be excused.

Romance feels like... well.

There’s a yawn coming from his bed, “Good morning!”

Goro has to hide his scowl, bite back the  _ “What are you so cheery about?” _ Instead, he says, “Good morning. Fruit?”

“Mm,” he groans, stretching his arms out behind his back and flashing Goro a sleepy grin. Goro’s heart thumps loudly in his chest. “I’d love some. Grapes?”

“Come here, then.”

Ren shakes his head, opening his mouth widely instead, “Throw ‘em.”

It’s cute. Stupidly cute. And _fuck_ Ren, because how could Goro ever  _ not _ want that? That easy humour? The lazy jokes in bright, brilliant mornings? Goro sighs at him, “I’m not throwing grapes across the room. Come here.”

Pouting, Ren stares at him, trying to give it another try, but Goro doesn’t relent. He just pops another grape into his own mouth and turns his eyes back to his book. Eventually, Goro hears Ren make a sad, little whine and feels him come lean against him. Ren leans over his lap to pluck some grapes off the vine, “What’cha reading?”

He doesn’t stop leaning on Goro’s side as he chews on his grapes, and, as much as Goro wants to hate it, he can’t make himself. It’s cosy, warm and it feels like everything Goro’s ever wanted. He looks down at him and, fuck, does it feel like a mistake. Have Ren’s lips always been so… kissable? 

_ Stop. _

Goro can’t help but stare down at them, watch as Ren runs his tongue over them as he eats.

_ Seriously, stop. _

“Uh,” he swallows dryly, “it’s about thoughts and ideas, cognition, becoming a real world that the characters traverse.”

“Sounds dumb.”

Goro scoffs, “Maybe. It’s an interesting idea though. To go inside of someone’s head. Or  _ heart, _ I suppose.”

“Hm. I’d love to spend some time in your thoughts.”

“Be quiet,” he says before he can blush, stuffing a slice of orange into Ren’s mouth. “I'm not the one of us who is an enigma.”

Ren just smiles an orange-filled smile at him, “Maybe so.”

It’s not fair, it’s not fucking  _ fair.  _ Goro wants to kiss him. Goro can’t kiss him. For so many reasons.

One fucking dream and Goro loses it.

Goro’s never really had a crush before, if that’s even what this is. He did have a sort-of infatuation with the son of a noble from Tyvia when he was younger, but he hadn’t allowed that to fester. That had been easy to deal with, seeing as Goro lived in Dunwall and he had lived in Dabokva, and he’d seen him maybe twice at court before his family went back home.

This- this stupid thing he feels for Ren, has apparently been festering before Goro was even aware it was happening. It’s the blasted ball’s fault, that damned dance, how it had felt like Ren had understood as he held him close.

He’d give anything to go back to that moment and let Ren kiss him.

_ Fucking stop! _

“How are you feeling?” Ren asks, his eyes skimming the page Goro had opened to. Goro closes the book, not like he’d be able to get anymore reading done anyway.

“Fine,” and he just hopes he doesn’t look as  _ completely not fine _ as he feels.

“Really? You wanna go get some real breakfast, then?”

“No,” Goro doesn’t even want to  _ think _ about facing the outside world right now. All he has room for is him and Ren and their little space. Even that's starting to feel like too much.

“Okay. What if I get someone to bring us some?”

Goro considers it, tapping his fingers along the spine of his book, “... How long will you be gone?”

“Not long,” Goro feels him shrug at his side, “I’ll be quick. I’m starving.”

“Okay,” because Goro’s hungry too, the kind of hungry that a plate of fruit can’t fill. Apparently, dreaming about your Protector in… compromising positions works up an appetite.

“I’ll need your ring then,” Ren says, holding his hand out, palm up, to Goro.

Placing the book at his side, he gives Ren a confused look before trying to twist the ring off his finger. “Don’t you have one? My father should have given it to you.”

“Yeah,” Ren wiggles his fingers, drawing attention to the red gloves, “I can’t wear it.”

“I hope you’re not leaving it in your room.”

“What if I am? What’s wrong with that?” Ren asks, expression on his face telling Goro everything he needs to know: his questions are not hypothetical.

“This room is supposed to be one of the most secure places in the palace. That’s why I feel safe here.”

“So I should keep it in my pocket?”

“Just take your gloves off,” Goro says, finally pulling the ring off and giving it to Ren.

“Can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’d look silly only wearing one glove,” he winks, running up the stairs to the door faster than Goro can reply.

Adorable. Stupid. Goro can’t even make himself be annoyed that he’s deflecting again, all he can focus on is the fluttery feeling in his gut. It’s like drinking something carbonated, but warm. Like butterflies.

Goro plants his face in his hands as soon as he hears the lock click shut again. He’s fucked.

He's going soft.

It doesn’t matter, he won’t let it matter. He’s not too far gone, he can still fix this, can still work on repressing down the feelings and the strange lust he’s experiencing. In a perfect world, he would start right now, just begin denying himself Ren little by little like how he usually does but…

_But_ he’s already gone down that route. And clearly it didn’t work, or he wouldn’t be in this situation. Maybe he just needs a new Protector entirely.

It certainly would save him a whole lot of heartache. Perhaps this time he should pick somebody so unappealing that he can’t help but hate them.

Because even if Ren does return his feelings, he can't do this. They can’t do this. Not when Goro’s supposed to be the brutal, domineering Emperor that Shido wants him to be. He’s  _ supposed _ to enter a political, loveless marriage and have sex to breed like every other Emperor and Empress before him.

There’d been a time, once, when he thought his parents loved each other. He thought that kissing only in public and sleeping in separate beds was just the norm for relationships. It used to be a comforting thought, because even as a child Goro knew what would be expected of him, that perhaps he might one day get to marry someone he loves too.

He’d abandoned that dream a really long time ago.

And having it in front of him again hurts.

Ren returns with a tray in his hands at some point during Goro’s introspection. He places it on the coffee table in front of Goro and greets him with a smile as he sits on the floor.

Perhaps it should be weird, looking at him after his mind had conjured up such disgusting thoughts, but it feels… strangely natural grin back at Ren and slide down to join him on the floor to eat.

Ren reaches a hand across the table, a silent question in his eyes.

Goro puts down his knife to take Ren’s hand in his own. To rub his thumb delicately across the back of his glove, to knot their fingers together. Ren puts the signet ring back on Goro’s hand, gentle, kind.

Yeah. Goro’s fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> goro akechi be like: *gets hugged* *immediately starts being h*rny*


	15. Chapter 15

Trying to avoid your feelings is really hard when said feelings are the result of the man that you have locked yourself away with. Especially when that man is the most restless being you have ever come into contact with.

Goro told him so many times that he should leave if he was really so bored, even if the idea still sort of scares Goro, having to listen to him sigh dramatically every five minutes is so much worse. Ren had responded with an, “I’m not bored,” which was... well. Regular Goro would say infuriating but Stupid, Enamoured Goro just thinks it’s endearing.

Endearing because Goro had given him explicit permission to leave him and he’d still stayed, he’d even told an obvious lie so that he could stay by Goro’s side while he needs him. Endearing because he’d told him no and Goro’s always secretly sort of liked when people do that. Endearing because of the idiotically goofy grin he’d shot him as he spoke, before blowing his fringe from his eyes and returning to staring at the ceiling with a blank expression, his head resting on the arm of the couch.

So what if Goro likes being the only reason Ren smiles?

Fuck, how did it get this bad without him even realising? Goro’s never felt more stupid in his life. Sure, he could speak for hours on the anatomy of a whale or how the sphere they inhabit will one day be swallowed by the core of existence itself, but it has taken him days to realise he was in love.

Or, damn it, maybe weeks? Goro still can’t figure out when exactly it must have happened. Maybe it was instant. He’d read about that in books before, an instantaneous connection, like destiny or kismet or soulmates.

 _Soulmates?_ Holy fuck, calm down Goro.

He’s not cut out for this _feelings_ thing at all. It’s too confusing and it makes him feel so vulnerable. More vulnerable than he already does.

Ren must be able to tell. Goro can feel himself vibrating with energy, with all the things he’s dying to say and do. Ren must have experience with these things, with being- ugh- with being _crushed_ on.

It’s just- Ren’s really pretty. Goro doesn’t even have enough experience to know whether that’s the right word. Handsome, perhaps? But the point- and, fuck, is Goro so gay that he really keeps getting sidetracked like this? The _point_ is that Goro’s trying to read and he can’t because Ren is just sitting there. Being pretty. Fidgeting. And being pretty.

He’s _really_ pretty.

Goro was stupid to ever try to deny it. He stares at the cute, sharp tip of Ren’s nose and wonders how he could ever say he looked _average._ The little blue flecks in his grey eyes that you can only see up close, that give him this ethereal aura, like he’s not of this world, like he’s something else. How could he not see that?

Goro likes to think he’s smart. But these past few days have really made him question that.

Now, when Goro looks at Ren, all he can see is how stupid he’s been and how stupid he is currently being and thinking about holding him and kissing him and-

And is he really getting sidetracked again?

He needs to get out of this fucking room before this becomes more of a problem than it already is.

Ren lets out another one of his dramatic sighs and Goro finds himself smiling at little.

“What?”

“Hm?”

“What’re you smiling at?”

“You’re smiling too,” Goro shrugs, trying desperately to wipe the dumb grin from his lips.

Ren’s smile only grows wider in response, “I guess so.”

“I’m just thinking, is all.”

“About what?” he asks, turning onto his stomach to rest his chin on the arm of the couch.

Goro sighs, and looks back down to his book, “Nothing important.”

“You sure?

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I dunno. You seem off.”

Goro frowns, “Off? Off how?”

Pulling his lips to the side, Ren hums, “Well, it’s understandable, right? You just went through something awful.”

“You went through it too.”

“I’m used to it. And it wasn’t about me.”

Goro turns his eyes down to his book, “But it still _happened_ to you. You were injured.”

“Physical wounds are nothing,” he shrugs. “Emotions are harder.”

“Profound,” Goro scoffs. “I’m fine.”

“Okay, so… Let’s go for a walk.”

The thought makes Goro feel genuinely nauseous.

He just smiles weakly at Ren, “It’s just hard. I feel as though everyone is against me. I’m not entirely sure how I reconcile that.”

“It definitely doesn’t happen in here.”

“I _know_ that. I know that staying in here is pointless. But when I think about leaving, even just going to my bed, I get… scared.”

“That’s normal.”

“It’s just easier to stay in here.”

Ren frowns at him, sitting up to pat the seat behind him, “Come here?”

“What for?”

“I’m a cuddler. You’ve awoken the beast by letting me hug you once.”

Goro scoffs a laugh, but shakes his head, “No, thank you.”

“Don’t be a coward. Come here.”

And it’s somehow _that_ voice. The one from the dream. Where all of a sudden Goro wants to do what he says. He finds himself putting his book down and moving across the room to situate himself in Ren’s arms, pulling his knees up to the side as he leans in.

It’s that voice and the feeling of his shoulder being tucked under Ren’s that distracts him again. He wants to ruin everything and kiss him, just to see what it’s like.

Maybe in here nothing matters. Perhaps locked away from everything in here is the only place they ever could be together like that, if Ren even wanted to be.

It’s like their own private universe. Where Goro’s not a Crown Prince, he’s just Goro. And Ren’s just Ren. Maybe that’s why he feels like he can really _see_ him now.

“Thinking again?”

“Hm,” Goro hums noncommittally.

“Okay,” Ren breathes a quiet laugh, “wanna hear about my thoughts?”

“I think I would pay money to hear your thoughts at this point.”

“Well then, I won’t just give them away for free. Pay up.”

Goro laughs, “I’ll add it to your paycheque. Go on.”

“I’m worried about you.”

“That’s the sort of thing you think about? I’m disappointed.”

Ren hums, “It’s a recently new development. I didn’t know you had emotions before now.”

“Yes, well. I try to keep it a secret.”

“Understandable,” Ren laughs, squeezing him. “The longer you stay here, the worse it’s going to get.”

“Maybe I’ll just stay in here forever.”

“With me?” and Goro can tell by the laugh in his voice that it’s supposed to be a joke, but he can’t help but lean in closer to Ren.

“Yes.”

“Oh.”

Goro lets himself laugh, “What? Were you expecting I say no? I did ask you to be here with me.”

“Just,” Ren starts, twirling a finger around a stray lock of Goro’s hair, “didn’t expect you to be so forthcoming. Or honest.”

“I suppose,” Goro hums. “Things just feel… different now. Perhaps you understand that?” he bites his lip.

“Yeah.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. ‘Course. You’re not trying to push me away anymore.”

“Hm,” Goro considers, running his hands over his knees, “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Then how did you mean?”

“It’s a complicated feeling.”

Ren gestures to the empty room, “We got time.”

Pushing away to sit up opposite Ren, Goro gives him a weak smile. “I meant… If I would have died in that carriage- I just. I have so many regrets.”

“Like what?”

And Goro might be feeling vulnerable, but not that vulnerable, “Just things.”

Ren smiles sympathetically, slowly reaching out to place his palm over the back of Goro’s hand, “You do seem different. More confused.”

“Do I?”

He nods, squeezing Goro’s hand, “Yeah. I like it.”

“You like that I’m confused?” Goro scoffs.

“I _like_ that you seem human. Not some fake plastic machine.”

Goro snorts, “I’m glad my confusion and fear is really working for you.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” he laughs, shoving at Goro’s shoulder. “You’ve always been Crown Prince Goro to me, I guess. It’s nice to see just Goro for a change.”

Goro looks up to meet his gaze, and it’s so _new._ So curious, but willing. Like Ren wants to see all the parts of him, even those that Goro would rather hide away. Interested, prepared to stay.

Goro’s never been looked at like that by anyone like that before.

“Thank you.”

“Um,” the gaze falters, but just for a moment, “you’re welcome. I guess.”

Goro could kiss him right now. It would be easy, physically, at least, to lean forward and take his head between his hands and hold him steady. Just chastely pressing their lips together, no hurry, no rush, just taking his time.

He wishes it was so easy in other ways.

It’s something he can’t take back if it goes horribly. And it could go horribly in so many ways.

Ren might not feel the same way. He might feel the same way but have the sense to not want to make this unprofessional. Goro might be a horrible kisser. Goro might be such a horrible kisser than he injures Ren so badly that he never recovers.

Maybe that’s a little too much, even for him.

Still, a kiss now would have to stay between these four walls. Goro doesn’t want that. He wants everything; kisses in the garden, early mornings under silk sheets, and gasping touches late at night. So maybe he should wait, or he should just use this urge as his method of escape from this damned room; take Ren to his bed, his real bed, and kiss him stupid.

But even then, he’d probably embarrass himself.

“Ren,” he starts, keeping his gaze solidly on their joined hands.

“Mhm?”

“You’ve been in relationships before, yes?”

Ren blinks at him, “I- yeah, sure. What made you ask?”

“Ah,” Goro stutters, “Thinking, as I said. About things I haven’t done- or I wouldn’t get the chance to do.”

“You’ve never been in one?”

“You would’ve heard about it if I had, I’m sure.”

Pulling his lips to the side, Ren hums, “I guess.”

“Have you been in many?”

He feels the scoff Ren gives more than he hears it, “You think I’m some whore.”

“I’m simply curious. I would like to know what it’s like.”

“Being in a relationship? It’s-”

“Being in love.”

“Oh,” Ren laughs. “I’ve definitely never been in love.”

Goro hums, considering, “Then what’s the point in having a relationship?”

Huffing out a sigh, Ren clicks his tongue, “Fun, I guess.”

“Fun?”

“Or companionship. It’s nice to have somebody, you know?”

Goro smiles at nothing, “No.”

“Yeah, I guess. Why haven’t you? Been in a relationship, I mean.”

Goro could laugh. Maybe cry. That’s the question, isn’t it?

“I’m not particularly-,” he starts, shaking his head. What the point in excuses anymore? “Ah. I’m gay, so.”

“So?” Ren asks, looking at him like he’s just told him the sky is blue.

“So? I don’t think the High Overseer nor my father would be very pleased with that information.”

“I didn’t know you were religious.”

Goro pulls a face, “I’m not, but I’m supposed to be. I have to uphold the Abbey’s values and such.”

“But if you’re Emperor, why can’t you just do whatever the fuck you want?”

He scoffs out a laugh, “You’re so optimistic.”

“No,” he snorts, “but the Abbey’s hardly the paragon of virtue everybody thinks.”

“And what would you know about it?”

Ren shakes his head, huffing a sigh, “I’m just saying. You should do whatever _you_ want. Not some… institution.”

“What I want is complicated. It’s easier for me to take the predetermined route.”

“And you’re content to live somebody else’s life?”

Goro looks up, staring into Ren’s eyes like if he looks hard enough he’ll see right through him, see everything Ren keeps under lock and key. Something about his perseverance makes him more kissable; the more fight he puts up for Goro’s own wellbeing, the more Goro wants to pin him down and hold him there.

“Of course I’m not.”

“Then _fuck_ easy.”

Goro snorts, but grins back at him, “ _Fuck_ easy.”

Ren grips his hands tightly, “Yeah. Let’s start right now.”

And that seems like destiny’s signal to kiss the boy, but Goro says, “Then shall we go get some fresh air? On my balcony?”

Ren’s grin grows wider, “‘Course.”

“You won’t go anywhere, will you?”

“Where would I go?”

Goro swallows, “I find myself afraid that you’re going to leave me.”

“‘Course not,” he says, tugging Goro’s hand as he stands up, “now come on.”

And Goro can’t seen to wipe the smile off of his face as he lets Ren drag him up the stairs to the safe room door, until, of course, Goro sets eyes on it as it opens.

Ren watches as he falters, “You okay?”

“I’m fine,” because what is he so scared of? It’s just a room. Nobody’s even in there. “It’s silly,” but he doesn’t take a step.

“It’s not silly. You don’t have to.”

“No,” Goro stops Ren before he can make a move to close the door again. “Just- hold my hand.”

Ren squeezes his hand, “Always.”

With that, Goro takes a step back into his room. It’s strange: how much of it is the same, given how different he feels. It’s the same four walls, windows, and doors, but all he can see now is danger; entrances and escape routes, makeshift weapons and shields.

But then, at the same time, he doesn’t just see his bookshelves anymore, he sees a place for Ren to push him up against and kiss him hard. He doesn’t see his vanity, he sees Ren wrapping his arms around him and pressing gentle lips to skin to try and distract him. He doesn’t just see his bed, he sees- well. He sees his dream.

It’s a hard balance to keep.

But nothing’s physically different. Maybe the smell is, somebody has definitely been here to clean up. It smells all fresh and unlived in, far too clean for Goro’s tastes.

Ren opens the french doors to his balcony for him, after leading him through the room to their destination, “Okay?”

“I’m fine.”

He lets go of Ren’s hand. Not that he doesn’t need the support anymore, but it’s almost overwhelming that he keeps asking if he’s okay. Of course he’s not okay. But he’s doing it anyway.

Taking a deep breath, he steps out onto the balcony and into the evening sun. Goro didn’t even know it was so late. Time doesn’t seem to make sense in the safe room.

Even though it’s been… what? Two days? Goro feels like he spent a lifetime down there.

Goro doesn’t go near the edge, but Ren does, passing him with a smile as he goes to lean over the fence, “Coming? It’s safe.”

“I know it’s safe,” because, logically, of course he does.

“It’s only the water.”

“I _know._ ”

“Hey,” he says, holding out his arms, “come here.”

And Goro doesn’t _want_ to, but how can he resist that waiting embrace?

It’s scary, looking out over the edge. All he can focus on is the potential hiding places and sniper’s nests and imaginary people just waiting to attack him while he’s still weak.

Goro wraps his arms around Ren’s waist and Ren does the same to his shoulders, holding him close and tight. It’s so comforting, so safe, to be held by Ren. It sets off something deep inside of him, some kind of warm happiness that spreads through his veins the harder he clutches to Ren’s jacket.

“Thank you.”

“Mm,” he hums and Goro feels it vibrate through his ribs, “what for?”

Goro presses his cheek to Ren’s neck, “Staying with me.”

“Well, I’m your Protector, so.”

“No,” he shakes his head, “more than that. I think I- um.”

“You think you?”

“Ah,” he says, sliding hands up chest to rest on Ren’s cheek as he pulls back, “I-”

And if he wasn’t so… _Goro_ then he’d lean in and just _try._ Just touch their lips together and see if they fit together perfectly like they do in his head. But he is the stubborn, terrified mess of a man that is Crown Prince Goro, so instead he waits for Ren to make the move, like some kind of storybook damsel.

And maybe Ren might, if only they had all the time in the world.

But they don’t.

It starts raining.

They fall apart, arms dropping to their sides as they step back and look up to the sky. “Huh,” Goro breathes as the droplets land on his cheeks.

“Do you wanna go back inside?”

“Yes, I think- I think so.”

Ren just smiles at him and takes his hand without Goro even having to ask.

They just spend the rest of the evening in silence; Ren draping himself over Goro’s bed while Goro sits by him and catches up on some of the work he’s missed. Ren’s still bored, still a distraction, Goro only gets half of his letter to the Grand Duke done before he’s interrupted by light snoring.

Ren’s cute when he sleeps. He must have missed it last night with all his aroused panic, but he really is. His eyelashes flutter so prettily against his skin as his eyes shake, nose twitching like a rabbit, breathing slow in a way that makes Goro want to curl up beside him.

Well. He won’t make that mistake again.

So instead, he just finishes up on his letter while there’s no more distractions, because who knows when the next time he’ll get that luxury? And, even though he has more work to catch up on, after that he can’t help but sit and watch him breathe.

It feels stupidly domestic in a way Goro will never have. Just two people living together, with no outside expectations.

Goro thinks about how much he wants his Karnacan apartment, how much he doesn’t want the weight of a crown on his head. He wants breakfast for two in a tiny bed made for one, not a cold, metal throne or a dining table made for fifty.

Fuck easy, but maybe that kind of easy would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kiss ... soon ...


	16. Chapter 16

Goro’s father is at dinner that night. It’d been hard enough to get himself down there to eat in the first place. It was only after Ren promised him they’d be completely alone, no staff at all, that he’d agreed to come.

He thinks maybe he’d prefer a crowd of strangers to this.

Goro lets go of Ren’s hand the second they enter the dining room.

“Decided to rejoin the world, have you?”

He stutters for a moment, almost tripping over his feet. He doesn’t really understand why, but he must have assumed his father would have at least an ounce of sympathy for him. Shido would be the only person around who really understands, after all.

Well. That’s Goro’s fault for still clutching onto hope.

Goro clears his throat as he takes his seat, “My apologies for my absence. Upon reflection, it was unprofessional of me.”

Not like Shido’s his fucking father. Just his employer, leader, owner.

Ren’s looking at him like he’s seconds away from grabbing Goro and bolting. Goro has to give him a look like he’s trying to calm a wild animal, placating and mollifying, but Ren’s expression just turns sour in response.

“Quite,” is all Shido says in response to that, taking a drink from his wine glass.

The silence that comes after that is almost too much. Goro swears he feels the awkward atmosphere like an actual weight on his shoulders, as though it’s crushing him, making even his fork too heavy to lift. Instead, he tries to act extremely interested in poking at his meal.

Why do the dinners with Shido always turn out like this?

“You missed an important meeting.”

“I did? I wasn’t aware there was one scheduled.”

Shido hums as he swallows his bite, “It was impromptu. About your safety.”

“Right,” Goro nods. “Of course, I apologise for that.”

Goro can almost hear Ren’s teeth grind, watching as his clenched fist shakes around his fork. He tries to subtly shake his head, begging him to stay out of it, but Ren’s already a lost cause.

“We could’ve died.”

“Ren.”

“Do you even give a shit?”

Shido sets his jaw, glaring at Goro. “Well?” he prompts.

And Goro just has to swallow any remaining pride he has left, “Ren. Don’t speak to my father that way.”

“You-,” Ren just scoffs as his knife and fork collapse onto his still-full plate, settling back into his chair.

“Of course he was concerned. But I can’t disappear whenever I feel like it, I have a duty.”

“Goro…” he whispers, staring at him like he can’t believe what he’s hearing. He probably can’t. Goro hates doing this performative good boy Prince routine.

“My father is the Emperor of the Isles. He deserves respect.”

Sometimes it upsets him how well he knows the script by now.

Goro’s gaze flickers back to Shido for a moment, ensuring his own eyes are on Ren before he mouths, “Apologise.”

Ren scowls, not taking his eyes off of Goro as he speaks, “Sorry. Sir.”

Shido just huffs in response. “It will do. I suppose,” he says, once more turning his eyes to Goro, “I expect better of you.”

There’s a moment when Goro thinks Ren might speak again, but Goro kicks his shin under the table before he can open his mouth. “I’m sorry, father. I take full responsibility for him.”

“Still, it’s been weeks. There’s no excuse. I will not be spoken to like that.”

“I promise you it won’t happen again, sir.”

Goro fucking _hates_ talking about Ren like he’s not even in the room, like he isn’t staring right at his face right now. It’s dehumanising, Goro knows that firsthand. He would never want to make Ren feel like that, especially when he knows all he’s doing is trying to defend Goro, but what else can he do?

He hates it even more when he tries to go back to his meal, but instead catches sight of Ren’s expression. The man has the nerve to look like a kicked puppy. Goro should be the one looking like that.

The rest of dinner goes by in complete silence. Which, honestly, feels like an improvement. Goro can barely bring himself to pick at his meal, mainly just pushing the food around his plate to make it appear he’s eaten than actually eating. Guilt is slowly eating him away from the inside out and it makes him feel sick with himself.

It seems impossible to try and scrub the image of Ren’s hurt expression out of his mind. He doesn’t want to ever to see him make that face again, much less be the cause of it.

And it’s then, when Goro’s retreated back into his mind, completely ignorant to everything that’s happening in the room around him, that someone comes to refill his glass.

The minute the arms come into his field of vision, Goro starts to run on instinct. His body swings quickly, the knife in his hand coming to defend him, slicing at the limb until the owner jumps back and starts to scream.

“Fuck,” he breathes, jolting as the cutlery clatters to the floor, all at once coming back to the present.

The woman is looking at him with wide eyes like a frightened animal, cradling her bleeding forearm close to her chest.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, boy?” Shido yells from the head of the table, far too casually swirling his wine.

“Uh,” he can’t get his mouth to form the words, still feeling the world around him stutter with the adrenaline coursing through his veins.

Ren stands up, “Goro?”

“I,” he starts, but he doesn’t know what he’s doing as he turns to Ren. What? Does he think he’s going to seek out comfort from his Royal Protector in front of his father?

He knows Ren can see the delicate shake of his hands as he stares at them like he doesn’t know who they belong to. He can feel his ache to reassure him, to support him, to wrap his arms around him and squeeze away all the hurt. Goro just blinks.

“I, ah, excuse me,” he stammers, stumbling backwards and out of the room.

* * *

Ren finds him - of course he does, it’s basically in his job description - sitting on the floor by the door of his balcony. He really thought he’d hidden himself better than that, crouched under his windows; it’d only taken Ren ten minutes.

“Want company?” Ren asks, slightly-amused smirk on his face as his head pops round the door frame.

“No,” Goro’s tone is flat, a frustrated sigh leaving his lips when he sees Ren coming out to sit beside him anyway.

“Can’t take any chances,” he laughs, like Goro sulking like a child is funny and not completely pathetic, “wouldn’t want you to fall.”

“And we can’t have that, can we.” It’s not a question, a humourless joke if anything.

“Wanna talk about… that?”

“No.”

“Right.”

“I… I’m sorry.”

Ren shrugs, slumping back against the wall, “It’s okay, I’m sure she’ll forgive you if you explain.”

“Hm? Oh, no. Not for that. Well, yes, I _am_ sorry about that, but that’s not what I was referring to.”

“Oh.”

“Yes. It was for the way I spoke to you.”

“Oh,” he repeats, shaking his head, “you don’t need to. I get it.”

“I wouldn’t want you to think I actually believe anything I was saying. It’s just something I’ve learned to do, for my own sake. And yours, I suppose. I really can’t believe you tried to speak to him like that,” he chuckles.

Groaning, Ren fidgets, “He’s an asshole. He deserves it.”

“Still. Brave of you. Incredibly stupid, but brave nonetheless.”

“Thanks.”

Goro frowns, “It’s not really a compliment.”

“I know.”

“I just- I want you to know that I didn’t mean it.”

“I know that.”

“And thank you. For standing up for me.”

Ren scoffs, “I just made things worse.”

“Yes. But you tried.”

He turns his head to look at Goro, “I know it’s dumb. I just wish you could stand up for yourself.”

“Hm,” Goro just stares out to the night sky in response, “I do too. Sometimes.”

Goro had tried to go down that route once. All it had gotten him was bruises and tears.

“I’m so tired,” he sighs.

“Time for bed?”

“Not that kind of tired.” Well, yes, that kind of tired, but that’s not what he’s talking about. He’s talking, specifically, about the world-weariness that has been growing in his bones like a disease since he was twelve years old. That has been festered unbidden, encouraged to grow by responsibility after responsibility that he never earned. The thing that has made him a political puppet, a hollowed out body to which his father pulls the strings to.

He’s tired of fighting it.

He just wants to go back to his safe room and be with Ren.

“Ah. I get it.”

“Do you?”

Ren smiles wryly at him, “Yeah. It’s like the world’s rotting away and you’re the only one who cares enough to see it.”

“Huh.”

“What?”

“That’s exactly what it’s like.”

Ren laughs lightly, “I said I got it.”

“I really wasn’t expecting you to.”

“Well, permission to speak freely?”

“Permission granted.” Goro looks at him, breathing a laugh out of his nose.

Ren’s not looking at him, instead looking out at the Dunwall skyline, “You’re a bit of a self-obsessed asshole.”

Goro laughs, _really_ laughs, at that. “You missed off spoiled and dramatic.”

“I think,” Ren begins, smiling at him, “we’d be here all day if I listed all the words that describe you.”

Goro snorts, “There would be some nice ones, I hope.”

“ _Some_.” Ren replies, leaving a break of silence before he laughs at himself and Goro can’t help but join him, lightly slapping him on the arm. “At least… three.”

“Only three? You’re terrible.”

“Oh, I just thought of another one: vain.”

“That’s not nice!”

“I never said it was nice.” Goro hits him again, as they both laugh under the moonlight. It’s pleasant to be together like this, joking and laughing, in a way that almost makes him forget the ache in his bones. Almost. As if he knows he’s about to spiral down the rabbit hole again, Ren speaks, taking him out of his thoughts, “Do you want to hear some of the nice words?”

“Will you call me a self-obsessed asshole again if I say I do?”

Ren hums, “Maybe, but I’ll balance it out this time.”

It’s so comfortable, in a way that sitting on cold stone on a muggy night has no right to be. Familiar, too, so familiar and cosy that Goro has to stop himself resting his head on Ren’s shoulder. It shouldn’t be as hard to stop himself as it is.

“Dedicated.”

He looks down to see Ren’s gloved hand, index finger pressing into the stone and spinning in a circle as he thinks. He’s fidgeting, Goro realises, nervous about something when Goro can’t possibly imagine being nervous right now. What’s there to be scared of? Nothing exists right now but him and Ren and the night sky.

“Charismatic.”

When they go back to Goro’s room, then they can be nervous. Then they can shift back into roles as Crown Prince and Royal Protector and pretend like they don’t know that they speak the same language, that they’re both well versed in decaying and surrendering. Goro can pretend he doesn’t know Ren Amamiya, only knows his loyal subject and his servant.

“Beautiful.”

Goro doesn’t want to go back.

“Ren,” he turns to look at the man sitting next to him, but Ren’s beaten him to it, looking at him like he’s all that exists in this moment. Goro’s sure the expression is being mirrored right back at him on his own face.

He doesn’t want to go back. He wants to stay here in this little bubble of _something_ they’ve created for themselves. He’d give anything to stay here forever, living in the crackle of the tension in the air, press himself into the feeling of a hummingbird heartbeat, uncaring as to which one of them it belongs to. To sit until the world really does start to crumble around them, so slow and so fast that they don’t even notice, too busy staring at each other like it’s all they need.

Goro’s hand is inching closer to Ren’s. There’s a twitch in his fingers. Maybe he does understand Ren’s anxiety.

He wants to kiss him.

“We should,” Goro starts, “go back inside.”

“Yeah.” Ren replies, not giving Goro any signal that he has plans to move any time soon.

Damn him, fucking _damn him_ for making Goro be the responsible one. They can’t do this, not now, not ever, not in any lifetime, and Ren must know it. Ren has to know that this isn’t what Goro’s life looks like.

His life is wax seals and throne rooms and heirs, not summer air or secret hideaways or scandals.

“I’m serious.” 

And he is serious, but he’s only human and Ren’s lips look so soft. He wants to see for himself if they’re as soft as they look, to run his fingers through his hair, to nuzzle his cheek into his palm.

Almost sternly, he places both of his hands on Ren’s shoulders. In return, Ren gently covers one of Goro’s hands with his own, closing their fingers over each other, like he hasn’t heard a word Goro’s been saying.

“Please,” and he doesn’t even know what he’s asking for anymore. But maybe that’s okay. Maybe it’s okay to let Ren decide.

Ren holds up his other hand, bringing it up to hold Goro’s cheek and, _finally_ , he thinks, _finally._ He indulges, rubbing his face against the leather of the glove in a needy version of a caress. The fabric creaks under the pressure, and the movement, he realises, of Ren’s thumb moving against his cheekbone.

This is better. He wants to stay like this, nevermind the fizz and pop of tension, _this_ is what he needs. A bang boom crash of intimacy, of being touched and held and cared for. He wants more of it.

Just as he leans in, Ren speaks. “We should go inside.”

Goro can’t help but sigh, so close that Ren can probably feel the air pass his own lips. “Yeah.”

“It’s, uh,” he’s breathing deep, and Goro was right, he can feel it, “it’s a lot cooler inside, so.”

“Of course.”

All at once, Ren is gone and Goro is cold with only the afterimage of touch. He can feel the echo of it susurrating against his flesh, gone and back again like it has its own pulse. Ren’s already up and walking back to the doors, but he stops when he spots Goro still against the white stone of Dunwall Tower. “Goro,” he says to get his attention, smiling like everything is already back to normal, “come on.”

Goro doesn’t know how he does it.

By the time Goro reaches the doors, Ren’s already inside, but he’s standing in the way and trapping Goro outside.

“Hey.”

“Hello.”

There’s a moment where Ren’s reaching for him and he thinks maybe he’s going to push him backwards, but instead Ren’s hands brush past his ears and into his hair and he’s pulling him forwards until finally, _finally_ , their lips meet.

There’s a surprised sound coming from Goro’s mouth as his palms land on Ren’s shoulders to steady himself. Ren laughs through his nose, breath fanning out on Goro’s skin, as he pulls him closer. Goro doesn’t think closer than this can possibly exist, with Ren’s tongue tracing his lips, but he’s so ready to be proved wrong.

He feels the smirk Ren gets on his face against his own, and Goro gets a sinking feeling in his stomach.

Hands move from his face to under his arms, as Ren uses his grip to pull Goro into the room, legs dragging behind him. He squeals, kicking his feet on instinct and knocking over furniture as they move.

“Ren!” he means for it to sound reprimanding, but he can’t shake the giggle that’s following as Ren carries him around his room. They shift, somehow, with Ren coaxing Goro’s hands around his neck so that he can move his own under Goro’s knees instead, pulling them ever closer.

Spinning around his bedroom on a hot summer’s night, Goro realises that he’s never known what being weightless felt like before.

Eventually, they settle, with Ren sitting on the edge of Goro’s bed and Goro kneeling over him, but the lightheadedness lingers. It takes away rational thought, and all that remains is the endless wondering of why they didn’t do this sooner, of why they aren’t doing it now.

He can’t think of a good answer anymore, so he kisses Ren again. It’s only once, soft and quick, to prove to himself that he can. An affronted noise leaves Ren’s mouth, and the giggle that’s stalking Goro makes itself known once more. It’s so dainty as it leaves his mouth that he has to bring a hand to his mouth to stop himself making the sound. Ren laughs at him, earning himself a playful slap, “It’s not funny.”

“It’s cute.”

“Not cute,” and before Ren can argue with him anymore, Goro quiets him with another kiss. A longer one this time, with Goro’s fingers in Ren’s hair, pulling on knots because of course Ren’s hair is still a complete bird’s nest. Ren doesn’t seem to mind though, he keeps sighing and groaning into Goro’s mouth. It’s… intoxicating, frankly, and Goro can only open his own mouth in return, a silent request for more, please.

“Eager,” Ren says, as they part for breath, “aren’t we?” he runs his hands up Goro’s thighs, neither of them doing anything to prevent the shiver than runs itself down Goro’s spine, so intense it's almost painful.

“Mm.” Goro can’t make words right now, the lightheadedness of being whirled around his room mixing with the intensity of touch, a cocktail that makes his head spin and his chest ache, blurriness blending beautifully into bang boom crash.

It’s so intense, it’s so much. Maybe they should slow down.

“Ren,” he says instead, “touch me.”

He hears the quiet gasp he gets in response, feels fingers dig in almost painfully to his hips, “ _Goro._ ”

“Nuh,” he groans into his mouth, resting his hands over Ren’s and tugging at the crimson leather, “off.”

“ _Goro,_ ” and holy fuck, that’s a sound he could get used to hearing.

He tugs once more at the leather when Ren doesn’t seem to be moving, but it seems, unfortunately, Goro can’t have anything nice.

“Hey!” he hears as his bedroom door swings open, “I heard you were feeling- oh, holy shit!”

At the sound of Ann’s voice, Goro jumps off of Ren like he’s been burned. He clears his throat anxiously, pointedly not looking at the blushing girl - _why_ is she blushing? Goro thinks she has no right to be the one blushing in this scenario.

Though, Goro himself feels like his cheeks might be a _little_ scarlet.

“Ann,” he coughs, staring at her shoes, “good evening.”

“Yeah… Am I-?”

And in no universe can Goro allow her to finish that sentence, “Did you need something?”

“N- no. I just… Um.”

“Right.”

“I just wanted to see how you were doing. I should- should I leave?” she pulls a face, pulling awkwardly at one of her ponytails.

“I think that would be for the best.”

“No shit,” Ren pipes up, still sitting on the edge of Goro’s bed, apparently completely unaffected, “cockblock.”

Both Ann and Goro turn even redder.

“We weren’t- I wouldn’t- Ignore him,” Goro says.

“Yeah, duh. I mean, I always do anyway,” she laughs nervously. “I’ll come back later? Or tomorrow. Maybe you just come see me. Whenever you wanna.”

“Of course,” Goro nods, giving her an awkward, small wave as she rushes back out of the room, closing the door behind her. As soon as the door clicks shut, Goro lets out a huff. “Why did you have to say that?”

Ren just smiles at him, grabbing at Goro’s arm to pull him back into his lap, “‘Cause I like making you blush. I thought we’d discussed this at length.”

Goro delicately cups Ren’s jaw with his hands, a soft smile on his lips, “Can we discuss, um, _this?_ ”

“Mm,” he hums, coming closer to nose at his cheek, “anything.”

“Ah,” Goro squeaks as he jumps at the feeling, “awfully… physical, aren’t you?”

“I told you, you give me permission I’ll milk it for all it’s worth.”

“Mhm, but you understand that this can’t happen, yes?”

“No, I don’t, actually.”

“We should keep this professional,” but Goro’s already looking down at Ren’s lips again.

Ren breathes a laugh into his face, “Didn’t we already try that?”

“Well, I suppose-”

“And I can keep a secret, if you’re worried about that.”

Scoffing, Goro rolls his eyes, “Frankly, I simply don’t believe that you can.”

“Trust me,” Ren smiles, trying and failing to capture Goro’s lips once more. “You do trust me, don’t you?”

Goro decided on his answer ages ago.

“I do.”

“Good,” he says, smile growing as Goro lets him give him a peck. “So why can’t this happen?”

Goro huffs, “So many reasons. Ann’s already found out, for starters.”

“So? We’ll start locking doors.”

“I have a feeling you’ll come up with a solution to every flaw I find,” he snorts.

“And I have a feeling you’ll keep finding flaws to hide the fact that you’re scared.”

Snorting, Goro gives him a gentle headbutt, “Incredibly rude of you to point it out.”

“Incredibly correct of me.”

“Perhaps.”

Ren hums, placing his hands over Goro’s on his jaw, “Can’t we at least just try? I promise I can be a really good boyfriend.”

“I don’t doubt it,” he giggles. “I suppose we could… try.”

“Can I kiss you?”

Goro scoffs a laugh, “Of course.”

And as their lips touch once more, Goro thinks that maybe he could get used to this. Which is maybe the worst feeling in the world when he thinks about how awful it will feel if - or _when_ \- this all gets ripped away from him.

When his father finds out- no.

He needs to stop living in the future, even if it’s just for a minute.

Right now? Right now, his fists are in Ren’s shirt and he’s feeling closeness like he’s never felt it before and it’s _enough._ Even if it will hurt later, this feeling in his chest, pure light and joy, has to be worth it.

It has to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk if anyone thought this story would end with them getting together ,,,, unfortunately this is only the end of part one . now i have to do a chapter by chapter structure for part two,, and then will we begin the fluff (and maybe angst) hours


	17. interlude I

Dreams fragment reality.

A boy remembers pieces. His uniform boots clicking against cold marble. The sound of silence yet a clear roaring in his ears, like agonised whales crying out to be saved. He remembers a blistering cold with no wind; there was barely any air at all, just a constant tightness in his lungs that grew and grew as he took every step closer to  _ him. _

Nothing could fragment him.

Black eyes and a deep scar across his neck, covered with a high collar. Feet that never touch the ground. A voice like sand through fingers. The boy remembers every word.

He remembers the fear ringing deep in his belly as the god spoke his name.

“Such an ugly state Dunwall has worked itself into. Not much left but corruption and rats, but what would you know, stolen boy of Hemlock and lavender? What will you contribute? More corruption? Or perhaps you’re just another body for the rats to feast upon.”

The boy still doesn’t have the answers. He doesn't know if he ever will.

And how could he forget the burning from the inside out? Ink or Void or nothingness seeping through his veins like poison, trapped forever no matter how hard he scratches or how much it aches.

This is his fate. This is what he was always meant for.

A boy remembers pieces. They keep him up at night.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and back to our regularly scheduled shoe acheys. (i posted a lil interlude before this in case u saw this update and immediately scrolled to the most recent chapter btw)

Goro sleeps restfully.

It’s a funny sentence, in his opinion. He doesn’t get to say it all that often and when he does he usually wakes up with the beginnings of a migraine from too _much_ sleep, but today all he feels is a drowsy sort of elation.

He’s not stupid. It’s because of Ren. It’s because of how close he’s holding him, how Goro sinks and rises alongside his breath, how his fingers seem to brush through his hair even while they sleep.

As disgusting as it sounds, he feels safe. Like he’s a ship in a storm and Ren’s the only lighthouse for miles.

It’s easier like this. When Goro’s brain is still too sleepy to disagree with his heart, when he can just let himself feel things without bothering to try to understand them or dismissing them on sight.

It’s happiness, he realises, as he shifts to bury his face in Ren’s side.

“Good morning,” Ren whispers, pressing lips to the top of Goro’s head.

Goro just groans out a tiny sound and presses in harder. If he speaks it might start all the cogs in his mind and then he’ll have to think again. He’d much rather thoughtlessly nose at the spaces between Ren’s ribcage, gently press his fingers to hip bones.

But Goro’s cogs practically jumpstart at the realisation that Ren’s torso is bare.

Jumping away, Goro’s mouth makes an instinctual affronted noise, “Why are you _naked?_ ”

Ren’s brow furrows as he blinks dazedly at him, “What?”

“You’re naked in my bed.”

“No, I’m not,” he says, shaking his head as he kicks down the covers to reveal his underwear.

“Yes,” Goro hisses, hastily shoving the covers back up, “you are.”

Ren just rolls his eyes and rests his head back on his hands, “Prude.”

And, obviously, _privately_ Goro can admit that he is sort of a prude, but as things stand, he pushes at Ren from over the covers and says, “Go get dressed.”

Goro doesn’t cover his eyes as Ren sticks out his tongue and gets out of bed, but it’s a close thing. Instead, he just looks away, to the other side of the room, as if there’s something intensely interesting over there.

Of course, there’s a mirror over there.

So… Eyes closed it is then.

Which is just silly, because he’s already had fantasies, and Ren’s very clearly interested, but it just feels strange somehow.

So he’s a prude. That’s fine. That’s okay.

It was just a kiss and maybe he’d told Ren he wanted to be together but it’s okay. They’ll be fine. As long as nobody ever finds out that he’s gay. Aside from Ann.

Oh, fuck, Ann.

Already, Goro feels himself spiralling out of control. Like this new, barely hours old thing is spinning recklessly without abandon and it’s coming to decimate everything in his life like a fucking hurricane and-

There’s arms around his waist and lips at his neck.

He should not have let those cogs start turning.

There's something he should've asked. He's forgotten what it was.

“Say it back,” Ren mumbles into his skin, pulling them back into the position they woke up in.

Goro gives a vague grumble at being manhandled but doesn’t put up more protest than that, “Say what back?”

“Good morning.”

“Oh,” he exhales, feeling his whole body deflate and relax, “good morning, Ren.”

“How did you sleep?”

“Very well. Thank you. How did, uh, _you_ sleep?”

Ren hums, “Pretty good. Your bed is very comfortable.”

“Thank you,” the minute it leaves his mouth it sounds like a stupid thing to say.

“You have feather pillows.”

“What does your bed have?”

Ren rests his head on top of Goro’s, “I dunno exactly. Yours are better.”

“Thank you,” it sounds even stupider the second time.

Ren just laughs gently. Goro can feel it resonate through his chest. It feels like he’s never truly known what peace felt like until this moment. It’s almost whiplash-inducing, how quickly his head has gone completely silent.

The amount of times he’s freaked out over this just seems silly, now. It feels easy when they’re together. Sort of scarily easy.

Actually, maybe it _is_ the kind of easy he should be freaking out about. After all, it’s only been- what? Twelve hours? The few months of build up probably helped.

“You feel good to get breakfast today?”

“I feel…” how _does_ Goro feel? He feels ashamed for not having complete control over himself, for letting fear and his emotions take over. He feels content for maybe the first time since he was a child, happy even. He feels afraid; of things both outside of his room and in. “I’m okay.”

Ren scoffs a laugh, “You sound really sure.”

Goro’s not sure if he’s really that transparent or if Ren just sees him like nobody else does.

“I’m… incredibly embarrassed about last night.”

“Embarrassed because of the kiss, or…”

“Because I basically attacked that poor girl.”

“It’s okay,” he says, pressing gentle lips to Goro’s cheek. “It was an accident.”

“It definitely didn’t feel like one.”

“You didn’t mean to hurt her.”

“I did-,”

“You didn’t mean to hurt _her._ ”

Goro sighs, just nuzzles against Ren anyway, “Same difference.”

“It’s not. You can forgive yourself for one mistake, y’know?”

“Perhaps,” but he doesn’t really think he’ll be getting around to it any time soon. And it’s far more than just one mistake, isn’t it?

He hears Ren’s deep breath in his ear and it feels oddly intimate, distracting him for a moment. It’s warm against his skin, almost enough to make him shiver against the body next to him, instead he tries to bury himself into the mattress, under the covers. There’s a certain vulnerability that comes with giving in to that desire that Goro doesn’t think he’s ready to come to terms with yet. Maybe someday.

“And… well. Perhaps we should discuss this, too.”

“This?”

“ _This._ ” Goro says, kicking his shin between Ren’s legs as if that clears things up. Ren seems to understand anyway.

“I thought we did.”

“Not at length. Not nearly as much as it deserves to be discussed.”

Ren just snorts and grins down at Goro, “You’re so thorough.”

“I have to be. You understand.”

“Yeah,” his grin doesn’t falter, “and you feel really awkward, don’t you?”

Goro can’t help but bristle at that, going stiff for a moment in Ren’s arms, “What, exactly, is that supposed to mean?”

“You’re very tense. I can feel it.”

“Oh,” it comes out far shakier than Goro intended.

“It’s just- nothing’s really changed, right? I’m still me, you’re still you.”

“Don’t be ignorant. Everything’s changed.”

“You really think so? I still like you just as much as I did a week ago. That’s the same.”

Goro is hit with the overwhelming urge to bury his face in his pillows like a lovesick teenager. Somebody _likes_ him. It’s a very childish whim, though, so he makes do with just lightly nudging into Ren’s torso. “It’s not the same.”

“Maybe,” he can hear the carefree smile in Ren’s voice. It’s an envious trait, really. Goro could definitely stand to be a little more _carefree._ “But we can talk about it if you’re so anxious. I wouldn’t really know what to say-,”

“I think this whole thing is incredibly dangerous. We need more boundaries.”

Ren hums, “Maybe explain to me what’s so bad about this?”

“Do you ever listen to me? Do you ever think things through before you go into them?”

“Sometimes.”

In response to that, Goro just rolls into the empty space of the bed and groans. Ren isn’t far behind him, trying to keep him in his arms. “Realistically, tell me what could go wrong if we went public?”

Goro’s voice comes out muffled by the pillows, “Everything. The Abbey would try to have me purged of the Outsider’s influence, my father could disown me and appoint a new heir. He could have me exiled.”

“Just for being with me?”

“For being with any man. Maybe even any woman Shido deems inappropriate.”

“But, I mean, isn’t that kind of what you want? To be free of him?”

Scoffing, Goro rolls over to look at him, “You think everything is so simple.”

“I just think that you make things difficult.”

“I’m a realist. I’ve thought this exact scenario through more times than I can count.”

“You’ve just had more time to think up outrageous things that could go wrong.”

Goro sighs, “You are so impossible sometimes.”

“Sometimes is an upgrade from _constantly._ ”

“Barely.”

“Let me have this. It’s the small victories.”

Sighing, Goro shifts his gaze to Ren’s lips, “It’s not as though we’re off to the best start. We’ve already been walked in on by Ann.”

Ren hums, lips twisting up at the corners, “We can trust Ann, though.”

“Maybe,” he considers, looking down to intertwine their fingers together. “I’m not certain I could trust anybody with this.”

“I’m that precious?”

“My _reputation_ is quite precious to me, yes.”

“You’re no fun,” Ren chuckles, squeezing Goro’s hand.

“You are,” Goro starts, lifting their hands to admire them in the sunlight that bleeds through the curtains, “certainly something.”

Ren’s just looking at his face, smile turning soft, “You’re something too, babe.”

“Babe?” Goro scoffs, the moment immediately shattered as he looks back at Ren. “Don’t do that.”

“Why not, _babe?_ ”

“Stop. I’m-,”

“Too proud to be called babe?”

Goro just scowls at him and turns on his back. In truth, the pet name makes him feel warm inside, though whether it’s the heat of embarrassment or the passion of being wanted, he doesn’t know. It’s not an uncomfortable feeling in itself, but something about it sets off his anxiety. Goro’s not sure he’s worthy of Ren.

Worthy of affection, really.

No, wait. _That’s_ the heat of embarrassment. It flares up the second he admits that to himself.

“If you really don’t like it, I won’t use it.”

Goro sighs again, twisting his neck to give Ren a glance, “I’ll just have to get used to it.”

“You don’t have to-,”

“I _will,_ ” because anything else feels like a failure.

Ren just smiles and kisses Goro’s cheek, “Compromise, right? The foundation of all relationships.”

Laughing, Goro lightly pushes him away, “I’m surprised you even know the meaning of the word.”

“I told you: I’m a good boyfriend.”

“We’ll see,” and Goro tries his hardest not to roll his eyes. “But first, boundaries.”

“Boundaries,” Ren parrots, nodding at Goro like a simpleton.

“I don’t think this should leave this room.”

“But we hardly ever spend time in here-,”

“It’s safer that way. The only people who ever disturb me here are Ann and Mishima. We’ll just have to start locking the door.”

“Why can’t we just lock the door of any room we’re in?”

Goro does roll his eyes at that. “While I would love to explain to strangers why we locked ourselves in the music room for two hours, I don’t believe anyone would buy whatever moronic excuse we came up with.”

Ren feigns innocence, “We were just having a jam sesh, Lord Ooe, I swear.”

“You aren’t helping your case.”

“Probably not, huh?” he chuckles. “So I can’t even hold your hand? Or be affectionate?”

As Ren speaks, he takes Goro’s hand in his and nuzzles their noses together. Goro tries really hard not to blush. He fails. “No. I’m sorry if I’m unable to give you what you need. It’s the nature of my existence, really.”

“Kind of dramatic, don’t you think?”

“I don’t think so, no.”

Ren sighs, rolling over to relax into the mattress, “Well, I wasn’t _really_ asking. You’re being very dramatic right now.”

“I’m serious.”

“Oh, I know you are. That’s the worst part.”

“It’s important.”

Huffing, Ren turns to look into Goro’s eyes, “I guess I agree to the terms then. I’m a _take what I can get_ kinda guy.”

“I’m aware.”

That earns Goro a sharp nudge in the stomach, “So long as we keep the discussions open for later. I think I can make you chill out a little before our next big talk.”

“I doubt it,” Goro scoffs.

Ren just grins like Goro’s given him the perfect response, “I’d bet coin.”

“You’ll bet coin?”

“Ahuh.”

“You’ll bet coin to one of the only people to which money has no real value.”

“Well, when you say it like that it sounds dumb.”

“That would be because it is.”

Ren gently butts his head against Goro’s shoulder, laughing good-naturedly, “You got me. I’ll bet something else then.”

“Such as?”

“Hm… my dick?”

Goro staunchly does not laugh, “No, thank you.”

“ _Babe,_ ” Ren says, and Goro tries not to frown, “you don’t have to pretend you don’t want me anymore.”

“Shut up,” he says, shoving his hand against Ren’s mouth to quiet him. Ren mumbles something completely incomprehensible in response and, when he realises that it is getting him nowhere, licks a wet stripe up Goro’s palm. “Ugh!”

“Stop being a coward. I’m trying to set up a bet.”

Goro grumbles but stops fighting against Ren. If he really wants to bet, then Goro would be amiss to refuse him. “Perhaps we should trade information.”

“Are you trying to pressure me into opening up?” Ren laughs, smiling across at Goro.

Goro wryly smiles back, “No, I’m simply making a bet.”

“Well, prepare to lose, your Highness.”

“I never lose, milord.”

“We’ll see,” Ren smirks, sticking out his tongue as he rolls himself over and out of bed. “You should start thinking about some Crown Prince fun facts for when I win.”

“You wish.”

“Oh, I _know,_ ” he winks, “so get up for breakfast, because I wanna start showing you what you’re missing.” Goro doesn’t, instead he just pulls the covers tighter, up to his neck and watches Ren pace to the door. “Come _on,_ Goro.”

“I’m worried,” he says, so soft and so delicate that he thinks he might have to repeat himself.

Ren stops in his tracks, spins slowly on his heel, “Do you want me to bring your breakfast here?”

Goro shakes his head, half-obscured by the sheets. He can’t afford to be afraid anymore, even if it’s what he needs. “I have to try.”

“You don’t _have_ to-,”

“I do.”

“Okay,” Ren concedes. Goro expected more pity in his eyes, but he just looks at him how he usually does. “Together?”

The idea tugs at the corners of Goro’s lips. It’s enough joy, however fleeting, to make him swing his legs over the side of his bed and get up, “Together. Fine.”

Ren gives him a beautiful smile, one that crinkles the corners of his eyes and lights up his pupils. It gives Goro a buzzing feeling in his gut, sparking an uncontrollable desire to widen his smile and bask in the gaze. It’s like nothing Goro’s ever felt.

“You…” he trails off, giving a stuttering breath as they stare at each other across the room.

“Me?”

“Yes.”

“What about me?”

“I think,” Goro’s gaze drops to the floor, “that you should kiss me.”

“Again?” Ren asks, but he’s already striding over to Goro. “You’re so greedy.”

Goro squeaks out an affirmative noise before Ren takes his jaw in his hands and presses their lips together.

Maybe Goro will lose the bet on purpose if things can be like this all the time. Kissing Ren is really nice. Holding Ren in his arms is nice. Ren’s hand in his is nice.

Logically, he knows it’s not worth losing everything over.

But, well. Maybe it _could_ be.

Goro’s not going to ruin everything he has over something that _could._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the hiatus.... i was burned out/my laptop keyboard broke/i was distracted by my gf. all of those things. but i'm back and ready for fluff hours


	19. Chapter 19

Goro’s still a prince with duties and responsibilities. Whether he’s a lovesick idiot or not.

So does Ren, unfortunately. And his duties just happen to involve being around Goro constantly. Because the Outsider makes it his own job to spite Goro in every aspect of his life.

He hasn’t gotten  _ any _ work done.

And that’s on top of the work he’s already not done because he’s just a coward. Although he can’t complain about that out loud, for fear of Ren’s endless kindness and reassurance. Yuck.

The last thing he needs right now is Ren’s reassurance, especially when he hasn’t earned it. It just makes him feel… 

Well, truthfully, he isn’t sure how it makes him feel. It might be a good feeling, but Goro doesn’t really understand how anything he feels that much can be good. It’s intense, overwhelming and all-encompassing.

Too much, really.

Goro just had to get away from his puppy eyes for a while, before his head turns his butterflies into nausea.

So… Ann it is.

“Could you, uh, wait outside?”

Ren’s already got his fingers over the door handle to Ann’s office as Goro speaks. He gives him a frown from over his shoulder, “Why?”

“Do I need a reason to talk privately with Ann?”

Ren’s frown deepens, “I guess not.”

“Thank you,” Goro says, as he steps past Ren and into the office.

“Goro!” Ann greets, tone making up for her lack of movement as she carefully eyes the needle she’s attempting to thread. “What brings you here?”

Goro finds himself barely holding back from slumping against the door and dropping all his papers in a huff, instead he makes his way to the chair across from Ann. “I need some quiet to work.”

Her gaze flickers to him, “And you came to me?”

“Is that an issue? I won’t be a bother.”

“No, I mean, well, I’m flattered.”

“You’re quieter than Ren at least,”

A smile flits across her face, “Tough competition.”

Chuckling, he settles in his seat, mindlessly neatening the papers and staring at Ann’s hands.

He doesn’t really think he has the patience for sewing. The most likely outcome would probably be the needle in Goro’s hand. Or somebody else’s hand.

Ann’s desk isn’t really big enough for them both to work, so Goro keeps the stack of papers on the floor by his feet. Technically, there’s two stacks: finished work and unfinished work.

Three guesses on which stack is… decently larger.

It’s okay. It’s  _ fine. _ Most of it is just bills and amendments that he needs to summarise so Shido can give them his stamp of approval. Or, rather, that’s protocol, what  _ should _ happen; Goro tends to just stamp them himself these days.

Only the small things.

And the one time he  _ accidentally _ approved a tax increase for the wealthy.

Whatever. Parliament vetoed it immediately when it was tabled. That was a big surprise.

He officially gave up a few weeks after that.

…

Perhaps Ren isn’t the problem. Perhaps his mind is simply too lethargic to focus on work right now.

Although, Ren is-

No. Stop thinking about Ren.

Work. Work is important. He is doing work now.

Plans for Grand Duke Kaneshiro’s visit to Dunwall to discuss policy. Sure. Goro doesn’t technically  _ have _ to be involved in that, so he can do whatever he wants. He makes note of a potential itinerary; a parliamentary visit; a royal dinner; and puts the paper neatly in the finished pile.

A request from the Royal Conservatory to offer some heirlooms for display. Apparently they’re planning a new exhibit based on Goro’s family’s history, with a focus on his mother. Frowning, Goro thinks about how Shido will turn this into yet another monument to his power if he lets him get his fingers into it.

Usually, he would ask his Protector to remind him to send a letter to the Curator, but as he is currently standing outside the room, Goro scratches down the note in his journal with Ann’s pen.

Goro has most of his mother’s things anyway. Shido had barely even kept a photo of her.

Next page.

The next page just says  _ ‘letter to Lord Okumura’  _ in his own handwriting. He doesn’t remember what he was intending to write in said letter; in fact he doesn’t remember writing the note period.

… Maybe he should have a pile for things he has to come back to.

“So how are things going with Ren?” Ann says, all in one breath like she’s been trying to hold it all back for a while now.

“Hm?” he looks up to find her sewing forgotten, chin resting on both hands. “Oh. Things are fine. Good. Though, I’m not really sure I have a good… frame of reference.”

“I’m surprised you haven’t self-destructed yet,” her words mismatch with her pretty smile.

“I’m sure that it’s on its way.”

She turns her smile downward, staring at the unfinished sewing, “All relationships feel like that at the beginning.”

“Is that how it felt with Shiho?”

“It still feels like that sometimes. I feel like I don’t deserve her, y’know? That I’m seconds away from messing it all up and just… proving it, I guess.”

Goro gives a small, ironic chuckle, and says, “Yes. I believe I understand that.”

“But it’s a lot more intense at the start. You just kinda get used to the overthinking part.”

Privately, Goro thinks he isn’t built to function like that. He’s built to fracture himself into tiny pieces overthinking things before he allows someone to help him back together or has an epiphany or just… well. Sometimes he never puts the pieces back together.

But instead of saying all that, he says, “That’s a relief.”

“Yeah,” Ann smiles, something sad about it that he doesn’t quite get. She twirls her hair around her finger, turning her gaze on him.

“What?” he asks, as she begins to open and close her mouth like a fish, “If you have something to say, please just say it.”

“I just… think I should keep my opinions to myself.”

“Well, now you absolutely must tell me.”

Ann glares at him, picking up her sewing and harshly poking the needle through the fabric, “Don’t get mad, because you asked.”

“I’m a grown man, Ann. I’m sure I can handle my emotions.”

And that just earns him another look, this one infinitely more sarcastic.

“Just say it.”

“I don’t think… you two are good for each other.”

Goro makes a scoffing sound, purely out of shock, and squints at her. He doesn’t really have anything to say to that. On the surface, of course he agrees, but something about somebody else questioning the relationship makes his blood start to boil. “And what, exactly, would  _ you  _ know about it?”

“Me? Goro, I’m probably the person who knows both of you the best.”

“Still,” he starts, crossing his arms over his chest as he comes up with the reply, “it doesn’t give you any right to say such things.”

“Of course it does! I’m only trying to look out for you.”

“You’re being incredibly rude, actually.”

_ “You  _ said you wouldn’t get mad.”

_ “I _ lied.”

Ann scowls at him and throws down her sewing once more, mirroring Goro’s folded arms. “I  _ know _ you’ve been thinking the same thing.”

Goro opens his mouth and makes a bunch of sounds that could be the start of words, but they all die in his throat before they can make it out. “I,” he says, grimace turning into a frown, “I suppose, I thought you of all people would be supportive.”

“Sorry,” but it doesn’t sound very sincere, “I’m trying to look out for you. You gotta know how bad this will be for Ren if your dad finds out. And it’s not like it’s gonna be a good time for you either.”

It’s strangely nice, having all his anxieties validated like that. Of course, it’s terrifying to know that he isn’t just being dramatic, and that his worst fears are one small misstep away. But it’s nice. A little.

“I’m fully aware of the consequences, trust me. Ren doesn’t seem to have a problem with them, and I-,”

“Ren’s an idiot who thinks with his dick.”

“That’s,”  _ not inaccurate, _ he wants to say, “harsh.”

“Yeah,” Ann sighs, “but I’m mad at the both of you right now. Not mad. I’m worried.”

Goro runs his finger across the edge of the desk, “I suppose I can understand that.”

Which feels like the understatement of the decade. Goro doesn’t think he’s felt an emotion that wasn’t worry in weeks.

And that’s aside from the whole relationship thing. That’s just Goro’s general demeanour.

“I’ll support you if you really wanna pursue this, but… I just wanted you to know, I guess. I don’t want either of you to get hurt.”

“I appreciate your concern. Really. But I genuinely,” and is he really going to say this to Ann? “like him. It’s nice to have somebody, but it’s nicer to have him. He makes me happy. Well, he scares the living daylights out of me most of the time, but I do enjoy having him around.”

“Wow,” Ann sighs, “high praise coming from you.”

“I’m trying to be sincere with you.”

She snorts, “I’m just saying. You know I really thought you two would be at each other’s throats.”

Putting a new file on Ann’s desk, Goro gives a small smile, “Is this a better or a worse outcome?”

Shrugging, Ann just sits, content to watch him scratch his pen across paper, “The jury’s still out.”

“Wonderful,” he says, signing off as his father. “May I be honest?”

“Yeah,” Ann speaks warily, like she’s afraid of what she’s getting herself into.

“I’m only here right now because I  _ cannot  _ get any work done with him around.”

All wariness fades from her expression, melting into soft laughter. “You’ve got it bad, huh?”

“Do I?”

“Mhm, real bad.”

Goro pulls his lips to one side, “It’s not like I could get much done with him around before. Ren tends to be naturally distracting. But now, I just- I look at him and I get lost in it, I suppose.”

“Cuuuute.”

“It’s not cute when it creates this pile of overdue work.”

Ann frowns slightly, creating a small space between her index finger and thumb, “A little cute?”

“No.”

Her frown deepens, “So not fair.”

“Hush,” Goro says as he playfully glares at her, a hint of a smile playing at his lips. “You should be getting back to work.”

“As should you, your Highness,” Ann snorts, rolling her eyes. Goro just shakes his pen at her and picks up yet another file from the pile.

_ SENSITIVE DOCUMENTS _

Hm. Goro probably shouldn’t have been given these. A quick glance through tells Goro that they’re already signed to be put in motion by parliament.

The next page reads:  _ Rat Plague Protection Act. _

Wow. Maybe Shido is finally taking the necessary measures to stop the spread of this plague. Goro reads on to the step-by-step summary:

  * _Budget increase for Tae Takemi and Takuto Maruki in exchange for their joint research for a cure._


  * Accelerated immigration processing for Academy of Natural Philosophy graduates. 


  * Creation of new City Watch posts, see section 3C.


  * Quarantining of sick individuals. Enforced for at least three months.


  * Installation of new Walls of Light to separate Dunwall’s districts.


  * Addition of weekly plague meetings to the Royal schedule.



Somehow Goro doesn’t think he’ll be invited to that last one.

That aside, everything seems good. Good enough to fill him with a sense of dread, at least. He knows his father, knows that he never does anything that doesn’t directly benefit him; the Rat Plague has only proven that. He’s never cared before if people have died, so long as he doesn’t, and yet these are his signatures, his penmanship, his ugly, gaudy stationery in the attached correspondence.

Though, perhaps he’s had a change of heart. Goro does have a tendency to dramatise. First Ren, and now this.

Speaking of Ren...

He should probably be getting back to him at some point. Goro’s already starting to get the feeling that he gets incredibly needy when he’s deprived of attention for too long. 

Though, there’s no doubt that the walls are thin enough in Ann’s office that Ren’s heard the entire soap opera anyway. Hopefully, they won’t have to have another heart-to-heart again. He’s getting sick of being so vulnerable.

But these documents… It’s quite strange. He finds that the only person he wants to talk about them with is Ren. As if he’s the only person who can calm his worries and set him straight. At least make him laugh and hold him for a while before he comes up with his own solution.

Yeah, he really does have it bad.

* * *

“And I suppose it’s a good thing, a great thing, really, if actual work is being done and organisation is happening. I just find myself unable to shake this feeling of dread.”

Ren runs his gloved fingers through Goro’s hair as he listens to him, humming gently when he needs too and staying quiet otherwise. He’s really quite a good listener when he wants to be.

Goro had ended up putting off finishing the last of his catch up work yet again; deciding instead to spend the rest of his night in bed with Ren and truly discovering the joys of kissing. Though, admittedly, there hadn’t been a lot of that so far.

“Well, maybe you’re right.”

“Hm,” Goro’s brows knit together as he tilts his chin to look up at Ren, “I expected you to comfort me.”

He feels Ren shrug, “I don’t trust Shido either. And you know him better than I do, so why wouldn’t I trust you?”

“I suppose. But you know how I’ve been recently.”

“I dunno that it ruins your judgement. Do you still have the papers?”

Nodding, Goro gestures to a stack of files on his desk, “I wanted to look over them some more before I gave them back.”

“Would you mind if I had a look?”

“Of course I would. That’s entirely against protocol.”

Ren taps his chin with his free hand, a slight frown on his lips, “What if I did it while you were sleeping?”

“That’s not funny.”

“You don’t trust me?”

“Of course I do. But I’m not even supposed to have read them, I don’t want you to get in trouble.”

Heaving a sigh, Ren turns his chin down to give Goro an almost patronizing smile, “I thought I was supposed to be the Protector.”

“Well,” Goro says, circling a finger around the pattern of Ren’s vest buttons, “am I not allowed to look out for you?”

“Steady on, Goro. I might start thinking you care about me.”

“Don’t be stupid,” he grunts with a single hard poke at Ren’s chest, “of course I care about you.”

“Prove it,” Ren smirks, leaning down. Not one to back down from a challenge like that, Goro gives him a smirk and a glare before adjusting himself, meeting his lips with Ren’s in the process.

Goro doesn’t mean for it to be more than a tiny peck, but Ren’s hand moves to hold his head in place from the back of his skull, with fingers that grasp tight to the Prince’s locks. They tug gently, causing Goro’s mouth to open slightly in a gasp, an opportunity to invade that Ren takes eagerly.

“Nuh,” Goro mumbles against Ren’s lips, not even fully understanding himself what he was trying to say. He fists his hand into the fabric of the vest he was poking earlier, pulling forward as he leans back into his bed. There’s a tingling against his lower lip as he feels Ren’s chuckle against it, the feeling fading as Ren leans into Goro’s clutches, leaning over his chest with his legs to one side.

Shifting slightly to one side, allowing Ren better access to his mouth, Goro’s hands migrate up as Ren’s hand migrate down. Goro’s fingers link themselves together behind Ren’s neck, grabbing tiny strands in between the gaps in the rush to pull him closer. Meanwhile, Ren’s hand rests delicately against Goro’s chest, with his other planted firmly on the mattress to hold himself up. It’s strange, Goro thinks, he’d always assumed Ren to be… rougher.

Perhaps it’s not gentleness, but concern. Respect for Goro’s boundaries.

And that would be a great gesture… If Goro, himself, knew what the fuck he wanted.

All capability to produce any coherent train of thought goes out the window when Ren lowers himself to kiss down Goro’s jaw, to his neck. “Oh,” Goro gives a punctured breath as his brain gives out mid-thought, “Ren.”

“Mm,” and Goro can feel it vibrate against his throat, “yes? Too much?”

Goro barely holds back the groan in his throat, the  _ ‘please stop asking me, just do’. _ Instead he gives a vaguely affirming noise and fidgets to get Ren even closer.

“Goro?” he asks, and Goro  _ does _ groan at that. He brushes his fingers upwards, before tangling in Ren’s stupidly curly hair, holding him against his neck and lolling his head to the side, just to ensure the message gets across. “Am I allowed,” Ren says in between kisses, “marks?”

“Mm?”

“Can I?”

“Wh-? No,” he shakes his head. “Marks? No.”

Ren makes a wounded sound and pulls away with one final kiss, “You think we should talk about this aspect of things?”

“What aspect?” Goro asks, eyes still dazed and unfocused as he tries to tug Ren back down.

“Physical,” he shrugs as he uses his own hands to pull Goro’s off him, sitting up properly with a slight frown on his face.

“No,” Goro doesn’t sit up with him, continuing to lie down as he pouts.

“Why not?”

“It’s incredibly embarrassing,” he can already feel his cheeks heating up, “and… I don’t know a lot about… this.”

“That’s alright, hey,” the leather of Ren’s glove is cool against his skin as he takes Goro’s cheek into his palm, “it’s fine. But I’d feel a lot more comfortable if I had real boundaries.”

“As in?”

“Like… do you want to have sex?”

“I- um- ah. Would you like to?”

Ren scoffs lightly, smiling as he rests a hand on Goro’s leg, “Kind of a pointless question.”

Goro makes an aborted attempt at a laugh, giving a sigh instead as he puts his hand over Ren’s. “Perhaps. I do… _want_ _you_ in that way, I think,” well, what else do you call a sex dream that you haven’t been able to stop thinking about all week?

“Now?” Ren practically purrs as he slides his hand up Goro’s leg. Goro pushes it back down.

“Not right now.”

“Okay. Back to making out?”

Goro pouts, pulling Ren down to lay with him, “You’ve ruined my mood with all this thinking.”

“Tired?” Ren laughs, adjusting to press Goro into his chest.

“No. I would just like to lay here with you.”

“Can we talk?”

“About… sex?”

“You don’t have to sound so disgusted by the idea.”

Goro frowns and closes his eyes, burying himself deeper into Ren’s chest, “Actually, I think I will go to sleep.”

Ren doesn’t even give him a reply, just kisses the top of his head and tightens his grip on Goro’s chest.

As he drifts off, he wishes that he had a little less control over his life sometimes. He thinks it would be nice to leave his life in the care of somebody else, even if just for a few hours. He just wants Ren to make all the decisions, however unfair that may be.

It’s not like Goro’s life thus far has been particularly  _ fair, _ after all.

* * *

When Goro wakes up the next morning, the files are gone. Ren tells him that Mishima came earlier in the morning to take them back to Shido. All Goro can worry about is whether or not he asked why Ren was in his bed.

Ren just reassures him while pushing Goro’s hair behind his ear; he’d told Mishima that Goro was taking a nap and Ren was merely doing his job.

Mishima probably bought it, Goro had thought sleepily, nuzzling into Ren’s touch and closing his eyes again.

When he settles back into his arms, that’s the moment Goro realises he trusts Ren. Completely and utterly. He doesn’t feel the growling pit of worry in his gut, or the pounding headache of an obsessive thought.

All he feels is calm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes it's been a while animal crossing and then royal i have no excuses .


	20. Chapter 20

After a morning bath, and a few minutes of brushing through his hair, Goro decides it’s a ponytail day. He ties it up with a band just above the nape of his neck, sighing and shaking the shorter strands around his head until they come loose.

It’s an improvement over the coarse mess his hair seems to want to be today, though it’s an all too familiar sight until he pulls down a few strands to frame his face.

He hates the way he looks with his hair up. He sees it, like a mirror’s reflection, every time he passes his mother’s portrait in the hall. But appearances are important, and that may as well be the only thing Goro knows.

Ren’s getting  _ his  _ official portrait done today, even after the lengths he’s gone to to try and get out of it. Goro isn’t really expected to sit with him and watch him be painted, and he is somehow  _ still _ behind on work, but he can’t really imagine not being with him for more than ten minutes at a time anymore.

Plus, he still doesn’t really feel completely safe without him.

It’s become a habit that if Ren isn’t sleeping in Goro’s bed, he will stand just outside Goro’s quarters to wait for him in the mornings. ‘Stand just outside’ usually meaning he will come in and wake Goro up if he isn’t already and do his best to annoy him. Today, Ren’s hasn’t come inside, nor is he standing outside. Goro rolls his eyes as he makes his way to Ren’s quarters.

As expected, Ren is still in bed. When he sees Goro come in, he pulls the blankets up past his chin and gives an exaggerated cough. “Can’t go,” he says hoarsely, “‘M sick.”

Goro just puts his head in his hands and laughs.

“You’re laughing at me? I’m sick,” suddenly his voice is a lot less hoarse and a lot more offended.

“You are  _ not _ sick,” he snorts.

“Mm,” he nods, “very sick.”

“Ren,” Goro makes his way over to him, climbing onto the blankets to touch his forehead, “you don’t even have a temperature.”

“I don’t  _ need _ a temperature to have the  _ plague, _ Goro.”

“That’s not funny,” but Goro’s curling his lips inward to hold back his laughter. “Go get dressed. Wear something nice. Kitagawa’s come a long way to paint you.”

Ren groans, shoving the blankets off himself, “Tell him to go back.”

“Get dressed,” Goro whispers, kissing his temple.

He starts to move, and somehow Goro still can’t look at him half-dressed without flushing red, so he subtly turns his head. Ren catches him, placing a leather-clad hand on his cheek, “You look different today.”

“Oh,” Goro swallows, skin turning hot under the touch, “my hair was not cooperating this morning.”

Ren’s face lights up, “Do you have it in a ponytail?” and he climbs over Goro, pulling his head around so that he can see for himself. “You do! That’s so cute!”

“Stop that,” Goro laughs, shoving him back. “I don’t like it.”

“Wh- why? You look so beautiful.”

“Stop stalling,” but he’s blushing terribly.

Ren holds up both his hands, “Genuinely, I’m not.” Goro’s face somehow gets pinker as Ren takes it in his hands, inspecting him properly, “I haven’t brushed my teeth, but you should know that I really want to kiss you right now.”

“Noted. Get dressed,” he smiles, playfully slapping him in the side.

Ren pouts as Goro pulls away from him, “That was code for ‘please let me kiss you anyway’.”

“I know. My response was code for ‘absolutely not’.”

While Ren gets himself ready, Goro bides his time looking around Ren’s room. Goro hasn’t really been in there much since Ren’s first day on the job. It feels like an age ago.

Obviously, Ren’s decorated a lot since then. Goro finds himself especially drawn to the trinkets and silvergraphs that line his shelves. There aren’t really a lot of those in Goro’s room; he has a few photos, of course, but most of the decor is heirlooms and antiques.

It’s strange. He should probably ask who’s in the pictures. There’s one of a family, one of those old, faded portraits that are only taken for posterity. It might be Ren’s family, his biological one; the small boy in the frame certainly looks like him. The boy can’t be much older than seven, and sits in what is presumably his father’s lap, while his mother holds a baby girl in her arms. There’s another girl, but she’s old enough to stand on her own, holding her father’s hand instead.

Ren had said his family was a personal topic. Goro thought it’d just hit too close, so he hadn’t pried. If Ren isn’t ready to tell him about them, then that’s fine.

But his stomach ties itself up in knots when he looks at it, so he quickly moves on.

Right next to that, there’s a picture of Goro, taken from the side as he looks out at the night sky; he doesn’t even remember that being taken, Ren must have been sneaky about it. It should be sweet, should make his heart thud in his chest, but all Goro can do is run his thumb across it, and fight the urge to put it face down. It’s his bad side, nose much too big and smile all toothy and wrong. He’ll have to get Ren to take another one soon.

There’s a few pictures of him with friends; the idea of it makes a hard guilt sit in Goro’s stomach, he doesn’t know anything about these people. Maybe he should ask who the skinny blond man and the ginger girl in glasses are, or who the balding man with a goatee is. Ren’s adoptive father, perhaps? There’s another, a picture with Ren and a woman in a City Watch uniform. He’s saluting and standing at attention, no doubt mocking her, while she rolls her eyes. Goro really empathises with her, and- wait, is that  _ Makoto _ ?

“Ren?”

“Ahuh?” he asks, poking his head out of the doorway to his bathroom with a toothbrush in his mouth.

He takes the frame off the shelf, to use it as some sort of proof, “I didn’t know you knew Makoto.”

“Oh, that,” and it’s all muffled with bubbly toothpaste, “we go way back.”

“You know who her sister was, yes?”

“Yeah,” and Goro can hear him spit into the sink, “Sae.”

A fresh spiral of grief crashes over him like a wave; all encompassing for a moment, but he’s learned how to struggle against the tide by now.

He wants to be angry at him for not telling him, but it feels irrational. There’s no reason for him to be upset about this, Ren’s never been obligated to tell him, and it’s not like Goro’s ever asked. Though, frankly, he would never have even thought to.

“Oh,” and he makes it not confrontational or snide, just a simple breath by a normal person who doesn’t get irrationally angry about things.

“I probably should’ve mentioned, huh?”

“No. It’s fine.” Definitely not clipped and dismissive at all, Goro, great job. “Tell me about these other photos?”

Ren steps out of his bathroom, buttoning his pants and shirtless, “Which ones?”

He comes up behind him, resting his head on Goro’s shoulder, so sudden it startles him, “Uh,” he starts, pointing at the one of the family, “this one. I assume this is your family?”

“Yes,” Ren’s smiling, but it’s bittersweet.

“You don’t talk about them much.”

Ren kisses his neck, “I don’t really remember them much; this is the only thing I have from them.”

“What happened?”

“The Abbey took me.”

“You… Oh. You were in the Abbey?”

“Yeah..”

Goro frowns, “You never told me that. I thought people weren’t supposed to leave the Abbey.”

“They’re not,” he says, and the smile on his face is completely fake as he goes to pull a clean shirt from his drawers.

Goro spins on his heel, “And you just aren’t going to elaborate on that?”

“What, I’m supposed to incriminate myself to the Crown Prince?”

“Well, perhaps not to him, but to your boyfriend, I’d hope.” Ren freezes for a moment, and then turns to throw him a dopey smile across his shoulder, “What?”

“You said you’re my boyfriend.”

“Oh,” he finds himself looking to the floor, “I’m sorry, I assumed that was what was going on between-”

“Goro,  _ nooo _ ,” Ren coos, abandoning his search for a shirt and coming to embrace Goro, “that’s not what I meant. I thought it was cute. You haven’t said that before.”

Tentatively, Goro hugs him back. It’s strange, putting hands on Ren’s bare skin. He doesn’t get to see it often, not even just his hands. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologise, babe,” Ren kisses his lips once, light and soft.

“You’re distracting me on purpose.”

“Me? Never,” he kisses him again, deeper this time, opening his mouth for Goro.

Goro gently puts his hands on his shoulders, pushing him off. “Why don’t you want to tell me about the Abbey?”

“What’s the point?” he asks, trying to push back against Goro’s hands.

“I want to know more about you. Isn’t that enough?”

“Don’t I have a painter to meet?”

Goro furrows his brow, “So now you care about your tardiness?”

“Yes,” he nods, pecking Goro’s cheeks, “let me put a shirt on.”

Trying not to sulk isn’t really Goro’s forte, he thinks, as he leans against the wall by the door and crosses his arms over his chest. When Ren finally does up the buttons on his shirt, and it’s a ridiculous one really, all flowy and perfect and,  _ damn, he looks so good _ , he flashes Goro one of his beaming smiles. Goro looks back at him with a moody expression.

“We can talk about it later, okay? I just woke up. And I don’t want to have my portrait taken after I’ve discussed my past trauma at length with you.”

Goro rolls his eyes, uncrossing his arms to take Ren’s hand but keeping the pout firmly on his lips, “Fine. I like your shirt.”

Ren intertwines his free hand with Goro's, pulling them hands to his mouth and leaving a kiss on Goro’s skin, “Bet it’d look better on your floor, right?”

He splutters, red cheeks staining his mopey expression, “Shut up. Don’t flirt with me.”

“Aw, but I like doing it so much.”

“Tough.”

“Fine,” he frowns, jutting out his bottom lip. Ren throws his head back dramatically, holding their hands forward, “Take me to be painted.”

Rolling his eyes, he leads Ren down to the main hall, ignoring him every time he makes a distressed sigh or huff. Kitagawa is waiting by the doors, easel and canvas under his arm, staring at some of the art hanging on the walls. He barely seems to notice them at all until Ren lets go of Goro’s hand to charge at him, “Yusuke!”

Goro freezes in the middle of the staircase, squinting as Ren hugs a startled Yusuke who is trying quite desperately to save his art supplies, “Ah, hello Ren. It’s been a while.”

“You two are… acquainted?” Goro asks, descending the stairs almost apprehensively to join them. “You didn’t tell me that when we saw him at the auction.”

“What can I say? I get around,” Ren turns back to smile at him, planting a kiss on his cheek.

“Ren!”

“It’s fine. Yusuke owes me.”

“And I appreciate the exquisite allure of young love.” Goro doesn’t like how he doesn’t even sound surprised.

Ren gives Yusuke a wry grin, “You’re younger than the both of us.”

“A mere technicality,” Yusuke waves him off. “Shall we proceed?”

Ren leads him to the garden by the stone gazebo, and Goro starts to feel like a third wheel. It gets to him; he’s so used to having Ren all to himself, Goro doesn’t think he likes sharing. Jealousy weighs him down like stones tied his feet and makes the walk outside feel like it lasts an eternity. There’s an easiness to their conversation, even Goro can tell, the epitome of reunited friends after time spent apart, talking about everything and nothing. It stings. They’ll never have that outward easiness, can never show it off like playful punches and soft smiles do.

And Goro really doesn’t like the  _ look _ Yusuke keeps giving Ren.

Ren sneaks a careful glance across the gardens while Yusuke sets up, before pulling Goro in close. Goro takes a half-step back as Ren says, “Hey.”

“Hello.”

“Can I get your opinion on my poses?”

Goro speaks slowly, making sure his teeth don’t grit together, “Isn’t that what Yusuke’s here for?”

“Ah,” Ren snaps his fingers, “you caught me. I just want you to compliment me.”

“Then pose away, I suppose.”

Ren gives a nod and a smile, before twirling his way over to one of the posts of the gazebo, leaning his spine against it and jutting out his hips, “Thoughts?”

Goro snorts, “Trying too hard.”

“Fair, fair,” he nods, spinning to have his back to Goro and bending his knees, squatting. He looks behind himself, right at Goro, sticking a leg out to accentuate the curve of his ass.

“Not really appropriate. But a good effort.”

“I think the Emperor would appreciate it if I looked like this in my official portrait.”

He scowls, “I’ll ask that you never make any mention of my father  _ appreciating  _ a single aspect of you ever again.”

Ren throws his head back, laughing and wobbling so hard he almost falls, “Can’t help it. The bald head really does it for me, babe.”

“Gross,” he sticks out his foot, meeting Ren’s chest and giving him the final gentle push necessary to make him land, ass first, onto the hard stone.

Ren yelps as he loses his balance. “Don’t be jealous, that’s your future after all,” he sticks out his tongue, rubbing his scraped palms against his pants.

Goro opens his mouth to reply, but Yusuke cuts him off before he can speak, “Are you two quite finished?”

He runs a tongue across his teeth, setting his jaw as he moves to get out of Yusuke’s way. He sits at the table behind where Yusuke has set up, asking a nearby maid if she can possibly bring him a pot of coffee and three mugs, and settles in.

“Alright, how do you want me?”

Yusuke makes a rectangle with his fingers, “Just there is perfect, actually. Perhaps stand a bit straighter.”

They bicker for a while before the painting finally begins, Yusuke standing up at one point to physically manoeuvre Ren into the position he wants. It makes Goro’s chest ache. He wants that, he wants all of it; he wants not having to overthink every step he takes, every brush of skin in public. He wants, deeply, madly, hopelessly, to hold hands with Ren and spend a sunset sitting on the grass with him, not caring if someone sees him kiss him because in this world it doesn’t matter.

Ren’s gaze flickers from the water below them, stretching out to the horizon, to Goro. He winks at him.

It’s not Ren’s fault that it hurts so bad.

Goro gives him the best smile he can muster in response.

When it arrives, he pours himself a cup of coffee and takes a sip to test it before speaking, “Yusuke, would you like a coffee?” Goro’s already pouring Ren a cup without even having to ask, getting up out of his seat to go press the mug to his lips, assuming that Yusuke, like all painters, will get annoyed if Ren moves even the slightest touch. Yusuke essentially ignores him, too in the zone or something, giving a vague grunt instead.

“Thanks, babe,” Ren grins, taking a sip, “ugh. Who made this?”

Sighing, Goro furrows his brow, “The kitchen staff, I presume.”

“It’s bad.”

“You’re such a snob.”

“Thank you. Can I have another sip?”

“But you don’t like it.”

“Coffee’s my lifesource, gimme.”

Goro suppresses the urge to pour it too quickly, if only so Yusuke doesn’t have to amend a coffee stain to his painting. “Satisfied?”

“No,” he says and he puckers up, “kiss.”

Goro wants to, wants to give in for a moment and live that silly dream in his head, but one look around the courtyard shows him all he needs to see: guards, and gardeners and workers. It’s dangerous. “When we get back inside.”

“Ugh,” he frowns as Goro walks away back to his seat, “your responsibility is such a turn off.”

Goro tries his best to act like it doesn’t sting.

It’s hard to not resent the idea. Especially when Ren’s head immediately turns back to smile at Yusuke.

He feels the jealousy weigh down his feet again as Yusuke continues to paint. Goro wouldn’t consider himself an artist in any sense of the word, but there’s something aggravating about the way Yusuke barely has to reference Ren’s body to get it so perfectly right. Even when he mixes the paint, it’s like he doesn’t even have to try to know exactly what colour Ren’s skin is.

Maybe it’s just normal for an experienced painter. Maybe Yusuke’s just  _ that _ good. Goro tries to tell himself that’s why.

But something just seems  _ off. _

Ren has never told him about any of his past partners, but Goro assumed they were  _ partners; _ multiple and in multitudes. Maybe more than one at a time, Goro wouldn’t know anything about that. And Yusuke certainly seems like his type, if Goro himself is anything to go by.

All he can think about is Ren lying in some gaudy boudoir, covered in nothing but a thin chiffon shawl, staring at Yusuke with those fucking  _ bedroom eyes _ of his as he’s painted. Goro thinks about immortalising that expression, about  _ Yusuke _ immortalising it, and almost shatters the cup in his hand.

He thinks about Yusuke’s hair fanned on a pillow, seduced by that stupid, filthy tongue of Ren’s. About Ren’s gloved fingers running across Yusuke’s delicate expanse of skin. Ren would enjoy every second of having that skinny painter under his thumb, his tongue, his body.

A scowl has made its way onto his face before he can blink hard once, twice, three times; he tries to push the image away. A scowl that Ren catches sight of and shoots him a questioning look for. It’s not fair of him to be so jealous of a past crime. Especially not one he’s made up in his head. However likely it might be. 

Goro should trust Ren more than that. If it was important, he’d already know about it.

But, still…

There’s that obvious thought that he’s avoiding, isn’t there?

He’s angry that he’s not having…  _ that _ with Ren. That he won’t let himself have it. It feels like he has yet to stake his claim, mark his territory like a dog. Ren is  _ his. _

A part of Goro wants to walk up to Ren and have him take him right now, up against one of the gazebo columns. To put hot, wet lips on his neck and suck marks that last for weeks, right up against his jaw so that everyone can see. To press a flat palm across Ren’s abdomen and feel how built he is. To tangle fingers in his black hair and pull, to own and be owned in return.

His skin’s already hot and flushed before he has the state of mind to banish those thoughts. Maybe he’s a  _ little _ hard just from thinking, so he crosses his legs and sips his coffee and tries not to think about what a complete virgin he is.

Though, that’s an easy fix now, isn’t it?

It’s silly, really. He has a man that he truly cares for who has clearly been offering since the day they met, and he’s still pussyfooting around the subject.

He should just go for it. Ren would lead well, he already knows that. He would take care of him, make him feel really good.

The idea makes him cross his legs tighter.

He thinks about that dream he had; how close it is to being reality, how much he  _ wants _ it to be a reality. And then he looks at Yusuke again and sees that same odd, hungry expression on his face.

That cinches it.

Tonight. It should be tonight. He’ll bring Ren back down to his safe room, his  _ soundproof _ safe room, and he’ll kiss and touch and he won’t get all awkward when Ren asks him a simple question.

For once in his life, he’s not going to worry.

Ren’s gaze flickers back at him, smiling wide, and he winks. As if he can hear all of Goro’s thoughts.

Goro almost chokes on his coffee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> choo choo horny train is about to reach the station ! :3 thank u to my gf for helping me decide what i wanted to do with this chapter i love u


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :3 heehee
> 
> edit: tw for mention of past self-harm in this chapter ! forgot to put that but it needs one

Ren’s portrait turns out nice. Or it doesn’t. Goro doesn’t really care to look; too pent up and angry at the artist to keep himself in check. Instead, he asks a guard to see Yusuke to the gates, pulling Ren’s arm and claiming he has a mountain of work to get through.

It’s not technically a lie. He _does_ have work to be doing. He’s just going to be doing something else.

 _Someone_ else.

There’s a small, excited smirk that spills across his face when he gets that thought as he drags Ren up the stairs back to his quarters. “You’re not usually in such a hurry to get work done,” Ren asks, suspicion clear in his voice because of course he sees right through him.

“I’m not, am I?” Goro throws his smirk behind him.

Ren snorts, “What’s got you so excited?”

Goro doesn’t respond, just tugs Ren harder and makes his feet climb the stairs faster.

He wants to know what Ren feels like. What he looks like under all those clothes and be together, skin on skin. He feels giddy in a way that hasn’t been so intense since… Well. He buries the memories that threaten to resurface as they bubble up: his hand in his mothers, celebrations spent in the ballroom, travelling to the countryside with the Niijimas for the Fugue Feast.

None of that now, he thinks as he twists open the door to his bedroom with his free hand. Stay in the moment, Goro.

He practically throws Ren into his room and playfully backs himself up to close the door against his spine. “Something on your mind?”

“Mmm,” Goro hums, hands behind his back as he walks over to Ren, cornering him against the bookshelf that hides the door to the safe room. Ren jumps as his back hits the shelves, and Goro stops just shy of pressing their bodies together.

“I don’t know whether to be scared or horny.”

Smiling wryly, Goro runs his hands down Ren’s waistcoat, fingers popping the buttons as he goes, “Why not both?”

Ren snorts, feeling around the bookshelf for the book to open the door to the safe room, “Was I really so sexy while getting painted?”

Waistcoat open, Goro works on the top buttons of his shirt before attaching his mouth to Ren’s neck. “Something like that,” he mumbles.

“It’s just- ah, that’s nice- I’ve never seen you so…” he trails off, losing himself against Goro’s lips. His hand gives up looking through the shelves.

Goro pulls away, nuzzling into his collarbone and looking up with dreamy eyes, “So…”

Swallowing, Ren comes back to his body, “Aggressive.”

“Am I?” Goro asks, taking the initiative and opening the doors to the safe room himself. Ren steps behind him, dazedly holding onto Goro’s hand for dear life as he drags him once last time, into the safe room.

“Yeah,” Ren says as he lets himself be dragged down the stairs, to the bed, “I’m just confused.”

“About what?” Goro asks, expression turning to puppy-dog eyes when Ren doesn’t allow Goro to throw him down as intended. “What?”

“Why the sudden change?”

Goro frowns, “I simply decided that I… want you.”

“But what changed?”

“Why isn’t that enough?” he asks, pulling Ren in close by the sides of his waistcoat. He presses a hand against the burgeoning hardness he can feel in Ren’s pants, “Feels like enough.”

“It _is_ enough,” Ren says, pushing strands of hair behind Goro’s ears, “I just wanna know what changed. Was it something I did?”

“No.”

Ren furrows his brow, “The only other person we- wait. Was it something _Yusuke_ did?”

Goro scowls at him, “ _No._ ”

“Do you think he’s hotter than me or something?”

“ _No._ ”

“Then I don’t- what?”

Fisting his hands in Ren’s collar, Goro pushes the top of his head into Ren’s chest. “How many people have you dated and had… sex with? Before me?”

Ren pulls away, a confused expression on his face as he searches Goro’s pink cheeks, “A couple, I dunno. Why does it matter?”

“With Yusuke?”

“ _Yusuke?_ You think I fucked Yu- hold on. Are you _jealous?_ ” he asks, his offended tone turning into giggles by the end.

“Do I amuse you?” Goro says, scowl returning to his face.

Ren’s too busy caught in his laughing fit to notice Goro fold his arms across his chest and sit down on the bed. “No- no,” he chuckles, “it’s just- _Yusuke?_ ”

“Yes, _Yusuke._ This isn’t funny.”

“Okay, _okay,_ ” Ren recovers, pulling Goro down to lie on the bed and he lays down too, “So lemme get this straight. You’re jealous. You wanna have jealous possessive sex?”

Goro faces the ceiling, arms still folded against his chest, “I’m not sure I want to have sex with you at all after that.”

Frowning into Goro’s neck, Ren says, “Well, I guess I could always see if Yusuke’s carriage has left yet.”

“No,” and it’s out before his stupid pride can stop it. He turns on his side to clutch at Ren’s arm.

Ren smiles at him, and it’s sweet, _too_ sweet for the situation, in Goro’s opinion; it doesn’t stop Goro smiling right back. “C’mere,” Ren says as he takes Goro’s face between his hands and plants a kiss on his lips, “you have nothing to be jealous of.”

Goro just scrunches his nose in aggravation.

“Unless, you wanna be?” Ren pushes his nose against Goro’s to get him to loosen up, “It could be fun.”

“Shut up,” Goro whispers, pressing lips to lips once again, more forcefully this time. He pushes himself on top of Ren with his knees either side and hands pressed into the mattress by Ren’s head.

Ren mumbles out a laugh against Goro’s mouth, “Yes, your Highness.”

“Hush,” Goro says once more, but only to hide the way his spine gives a shiver at Ren’s words.

Chuckling, Ren gives in, rolling them over but ultimately allowing Goro to control the kiss. Goro’s kisses are usually shy and experimental, but there’s something angry in it now, more possessive in the way he clutches Ren’s collar and pressing his tongue into his mouth. It’s just a sense of urgency, he thinks, or maybe he’s just trying to make up for lost time.

Goro’s hands migrate from Ren’s collar, up his neck, to fist in his hair. Ren moans against his lips when he pulls, causing Goro’s eyes to widen as he pulls back. “Wow,” he breathes.

“What?” Ren tries to laugh it off, but there’s a pink blush spreading its way across his cheeks.

Before he can stop himself, Goro pulls hard at the tangled mess of Ren’s hair again. It gives the same effect, only louder now; Ren no longer silenced by Goro’s lips. It sends sparks straight down to Goro’s cock. “You like that,” he says, his tone making it not a question, but a statement.

“Maybe,” he smirks, “I like a lot of other things too.”

Goro’s mind goes blank, “Such as?”

Ren scoffs a laugh, and adjusts his weight so that his body is pressed firmly to Goro’s, “You’ll have to find out.”

A squeak leaves Goro’s mouth as Ren starts to gently grind their pelvises together. “That’s-,” he whispers.

Lips find Goro’s ears, “Tell me if you wanna stop, okay?”

“I won’t want to. I’m sick of waiting. I want you.”

His teeth graze the shell, dragging across Goro’s skin, “Fuck, Goro.”

“Please,” he whispers.

“Goro, fuck- _fuck,_ ” Ren groans as Goro’s palm finds its way to his crotch.

“Mhm,” Goro whines, pitchy and high, “you’re- wow.” It’s not so much words as it is jagged breaths.

Ren groans once more, “Goro, wait- I need to-,”

“Yes, _yes,_ whatever you want,” he begs, instinct driving him to wrap his legs around Ren’s torso as he palms him through his trousers.

“A minute,” he finishes, “gimme a second, okay?”

Goro whines again, but relents, letting go of Ren and allowing him to sit up. A heavy embarrassment fills the space Ren left on top of Goro, making him cringe and try to sink into the bed and disappear. 

What just happened to him? He feels his erection flag in his pants as an even pinker blush creeps up his cheeks. He feels so humiliated. He was too intense, too much and now Ren doesn’t want him. Fuck, he’s so stupid-

“Hey.”

“Yes?”

“I need to tell you something.”

“You-,” Goro’s mind stutters in the midst of his panic, before quickly kickstarting back into panic-mode. “What?”

“I- um…” Ren simply trails off, flipping his hand in his other palm.

“Ren,” and he tries to keep his voice calm, but it’s only for his own sake, “what is it?”

“I guess I don’t really know how to tell you.”

“Then why even bring it up? Let’s just-,”

Ren just cuts him off, “It’s important.”

Something about his tone makes Goro recoil slightly, like a scared animal. He considers for a moment before speaking again, “Then why haven’t you brought it up before now? You’re ruining this.”

“I didn’t mean to,” Ren tries to reach out to Goro, but he just shuffles back on the back.

“Just tell me.”

Ren sighs, quiet but defeated, like he hadn’t intended to make any sound at all. There’s a moment, a scary, breath-holding moment, where Goro thinks Ren might just get up and leave him there. That he’ll walk right out of Dunwall Tower and never see him again.

He isn’t really sure what provokes that fear. But it’s so intense it feels tangible.

When there’s finally movement in the body sitting across from him, it’s small, fidgeting motions with the edge of his glove. He sighs again, before scoffing at himself, ripping off his glove, and placing his hand in Goro’s lap.

For a minute, Goro doesn’t think, too shell-shocked and confused about where this situation has gone to think about anything but the long-awaited feeling of skin on skin. He’s gentle as he runs his fingers across the lines of Ren’s palm, twists his wrist, slides up until their fingers interlock; and it’s _perfect,_ of course it is, how could it not be?

The stars must have aligned to bring the both of them together.

And then Goro flips over his hand. Rubs his thumb over an inch of skin before the hazy love clouding around his head dissolves.

His hand bears the Outsider’s mark.

Blackened with ink or the Void itself are the sharp lines and curves Goro knows well. He’s seen them in every religious textbook he had growing up; usually surrounded by words like blasphemy or heretic. It’s a symbol, a badge worn by those who had been in direct contact with the Outsider himself; those who he had bestowed power upon.

It’s… witchcraft.

“This is…” but Goro doesn’t really know why he speaks, he doesn’t even know where to start. He feels like someone’s pulled the ground from right under his feet.

Ren can’t be… 

This isn’t…

There must be another explanation.

“I know,” Ren says.

Like it’s so simple. Like an ‘I know’ explains anything.

“Can I… explain?”

“A-alright,” but Goro’s still staring at his hand.

It’s covered in scars.

“When I… _got this,_ it wasn’t- I didn’t want it. He doesn’t really give you a choice. I know you must think it’s a curse or unholy or something, but I feel the same way. I _hate_ what this has done to me.”

Goro’s eyes are still focused on those white lines on his skin. They're all so deep and there’s so many, enough to criss-cross around the mark until, theoretically, it shouldn’t even be visible anymore; it should just be a mess of raised, pale scar tissue. 

Somehow still, the mark bleeds through the skin. Like it’s a hole to nothingness. Goro runs his fingers over it and feels the wholeness of Ren’s hand.

It’s comforting. Even now. It always is.

Shaking his head, Goro swallows, “But why wouldn’t you-... Why tell me this now?”

Ren laughs, but Goro doesn’t think he’s ever heard anything so forced in his life, “Well, it was either now or when I got my hands down your pants.”

“Is this funny to you?” he frowns, clutching to Ren’s hand as if it’s a raft and he’s lost at sea.

“No,” he admits, sighing, “this is just how I… y’know. Deal.”

Goro looks down at the mark again.

It’s… it still doesn’t seem real. Goro’s never thought much of _him:_ trickster god, leviathan, the Outsider, whatever name people use. He’s always been privileged in that way, protected from otherworldly forces by the Overseers from the Abbey. 

And, well, it’s not as though Shido was particularly religious. That's the one trait of his that Goro can happily accept he passed on. One of the only times he remembers the Abbey playing a significant role in his life was when they came to help his mother pass peacefully to the Void.

It hadn’t brought much comfort back then.

Though, maybe if she’d been around longer it would’ve. He was never really old enough to understand why she would always snatch away the pretty whalebone pieces he found while they would walk Wrenhaven River. Now, all he can do is wonder whether it was out of genuine belief in the Abbey of the Everyman, or fear for her son being persecuted by them.

“Goro?”

It snaps him out of his thoughts, back to marred flesh and the smell of burning, “Hm?”

“Say something?”

“Say what?”

“Something,” Ren breathes lightly, like he could shatter if he did it any harder. 

Goro mirrors him, still close enough to inhale the air he exhales. “I still don’t know why you kept this from me for so long.”

“Yeah,” Ren admits quietly, “I guess that I don’t really know how to do… _this._ But I just… I don’t wanna keep this from you anymore. If you think I’m a heretic, or you never want to see me again or- whatever. That’s fine.”

The nerves in Goro’s spine stiffen themselves, “Do you really think I care about whatever the Abbey teaches more than I care about you? I’m not some religious zealot.”

“No, but it’s…”

“It’s?”

He’s met with silence. And it seems so long and so nerve-wracking that Goro isn’t sure Ren will ever give him an answer.

“Ren?”

“I trust you.”

The answer comes back quick like lightning, like he’d been holding it in for a while, but something sincere in his tone. “Oh.”

He runs his fingers over the ridges of scar tissue. Goro understands what it’s like to be given a life you desperately don’t want.

With a free hand, he runs his fingers up the inside of Ren’s arm, delicate, light touches until he reaches high enough to hold his jaw in his hand.

“I trust you too.”

Goro and Ren have shared kisses before. They’ve shared many, in fact, ranging from passing thoughts to heated passion, but none quite live up to the kiss they share with their hands clasped together in Goro’s safe room.

Ren comes in close as their lips meet, hand coming to rest on Goro’s shoulders and pushing them down until they lie on their sides. It feels like perfect symmetry when their legs tangle together, an equilibrium when Ren moves his hand down to shift their bodies even closer.

It’s about Goro holding his hand so hard that he’s stopping the blood flow, about being close enough to feel all the curves and lines of Ren’s body, solid and present and _here._ Being together despite the world against them, holding on for dear life anyway.

It’s about, Goro realises, a fleetingness. He could lose Ren at any moment now, one slip up, one mistake and he’ll be gone.

All of a sudden there are tears burning up the backs of Goro’s eyelids, and he can’t think of anything but pulling Ren closer, pulling him on top of him, trying to feel all of him.

Whatever tries to tear them apart, be it Shido, royal protocol, or the Outsider himself; Goro is holding on. They are together. He’s not going to give that up so easily anymore.

They won’t go down without fire and brimstone and chaos.

“Ren,” he half-whispers half-moans against his lips, “still want you.”

He feels more than he hears the gentle gasp that leaves Ren’s lips, “Are you sure?”

Goro rests his forehead against Ren’s and nods.

“Okay, what do you want?”

“Just-,” he stutters, trying to grind their hips together, “touch me.”

No response comes from Ren’s lips as they trail down his neck, letting go of Goro’s hand to undo the buttons on his shirt and dip down even further. Goro barely manages to avoid a whine, but a trace of it escapes his throat, pressing his skin against Ren’s lips, desperate for more, more, _more._

He wants anything Ren will give him now that he can have it.

Fingers, now freed from holding Ren’s hand, fist themselves in his hair instead, keeping him close but also keeping his pace steady as he moves down. “Ren, please,” he gasps, as Ren wraps lips and tongue around one of his nipples.

“Good?” he asks, but he doesn’t wait for Goro’s answer before going back to flicking at it with his tongue. All Goro can respond with is a moan, light but throaty. “Fuck,” Ren groans right back at him, the vibrations against his sensitive bud making Goro squirm, “your voice.”

That just encourages Goro to moan once more, pulling Ren back by the hair, “Please, I want…”

Goro is hit all at once by the realisation that he is completely out of his depth.

“What do you want?”

“I- I don’t…”

“Okay, do you want my hands? My mouth?”

Goro feels dizzy.

Ren smiles at him and crawls back up to face him properly, “If I use my hands I can get us both off at the same time.”

“That sounds nice,” and he hears the snort Ren gives in response.

“Would you like that, then, my Prince?” he says, kissing his nose. Goro’s whole body stutters as he nods frantically.

As soon as he has permission, Ren has Goro’s shirt spread open and his pants to his ankles. Goro kicks the clothes off of his body as Ren sits back to shuck his own clothes from his skin.

Taking a deep breath, Goro realises their nakedness. His eyes roam Ren’s chest and his thighs and his arms and his-

“You can touch me,” he says, taking Goro’s hand in his own and pressing them to his skin, right above his heart. Goro can feel his stammering, hummingbird heartbeat, and the jagged rise and fall of his lungs.

“You’re-,” because Goro can’t believe that _he’s_ the one affecting Ren like this. He’s the one making his skin flush, making his hips jump, making his cock hard; Goro’s hand glides down Ren’s torso, with Ren’s fingers still on top of his, down to the string of his underwear. There doesn’t feel like enough bravery in the world for Goro to take the jump and go underneath yet, so he settles on trailing fingertip-touches down the outline he can see, clear as day, from his position lying on the bed.

His eyes go wide when he hears Ren moan from above, feels him start to grind against his hand. Looking up, he sees Ren close his own eyes as he moves, completely lost to the feeling of Goro’s hand against his clothed cock.

Hearing his own breath stutter in response, he varies the pressure, pressing harder and then letting up, watching how Ren reacts each time. “Goro-,” he grunts as fingers wrap around as much of him as they can through the fabric, “more.”

There’s not really much more Goro thinks he can do with Ren still covered up, so he pulls away all together, revelling in the bitten off whimper Ren gives.

“Do you understand what ‘more’ means, babe?”

“Yes,” Goro swallows around a nervous blockage in his throat, “but I assume you’ll have to take those off before I can give you more.”

Ren gives a smirk, leaning down to press a peck to Goro’s lips, “Then you, okay?”

Somehow, Goro manages to nod in response, completely transfixed on the sight of Ren’s hand pushing off his last remaining article of clothing. There’s a sharp gasp that fills the air, as the material slips over and off his reddened, hard cock, and Goro isn’t sure which one of them it comes from.

An animalistic urge descends over Goro, one that demands to look, touch, taste, _now._ He settles on digging a vice grip into the meat of Ren’s thigh.

It’s not soon after that Ren’s hands overlap his own more, mouth whispering gentle comforts as he loosens Goro’s fingers and slides his palms to the front; asking, but not demanding, for touch.

“Touch me first?” Goro offers, keeping his hands steady.

It feels like Ren can’t get Goro’s underwear off quick enough, shifting his own weight so that they can be removed past his body, until they’re low enough that Goro can kick them off. There’s excitement pooling against the nerves in his stomach, a foreign, but not uncomfortable feeling, like butterflies trying to lift a tonne of bricks inside him.

Ren starts slowly, ticklish touches to Goro’s abdomen that make him feel like bucking him off, steadily turning in a soft glide of palm against skin as his fingers tangle against the wiry hair at Goro’s base. Goro’s own hands have moved to press nails into Ren’s shoulders, unable to look anywhere but down to where Ren’s touching him.

An embarrassingly loud whine leaves his lips as Ren’s fingers curl around his cock.

He exhales shakily, locking eyes with Ren before pulling him in for an open-mouthed, dirty kiss. It’s a pathetic attempt to silence his moans, but it works; Ren’s lips absorb all the sound he makes as he starts to stroke Goro.

It’s nothing like lonely nights with his own hand, nobody but his thoughts for comfort. This is like a whole other dimension.

It’s stars behind his eyelids, the difference between swimming and drowning, water in a desert. Perfect and everything he’s been missing and _Ren._

Already, he finds himself bucking into Ren’s grip, eyes rolling back into his head. Ren dances fingers against the head of his cock in return, pulling away to watch Goro’s expressions and ask, “You like that?”

“Yes, yes, _yes,_ ” he pants, nodding jerkily.

“Fuck,” he moans, “gimme your hand.”

Goro obliges, groaning as Ren’s movement stops to adjust, “What are you doing?”

“You’re gonna help,” Ren’s response comes breathless as he angles their cocks together, holding them together with their entangled fingers.

“Fuck,” Goro gasps, feeling the thickness of Ren against him as he starts to grind. Goro finds himself unable to stay still, grinding back with urgency, chasing the exquisite friction. Ren does too, somehow having the focus to also kiss down his neck, making Goro moan his name right down his ear.

Goro can feel how Ren’s cock throbs at his voice, “Come on, don’t hold back.”

“I-I-, Ren.”

“Louder.”

“Please,” he whines, earning himself a tighter grip around his grip. Perfect and wonderful and turning the sparks that run up his spine to flames. “Please, Ren, _please._ ”

He’s not sure what he’s begging for, but it must sound good to Ren’s ears if his increased pace and ferocity is anything to go by. “Fuck, you feel so good.”

Something about that makes his toes curl, “Say it again.”

“Goro,” he pants, “you feel amazing. So good.”

“Oh,” Goro moans loud, feeling the spring in his guts coil and coil and coil, “I’m- close.”

Ren pulls back from Goro’s neck, eyes intense like he’s trying to commit Goro’s expression to memory, “Yeah? Do it, _fuck,_ yes. Cum for me.”

Goro’s vision whites out. Tremors of pleasure wracking his body, the fire climbing up his back consuming his body whole, his nerves going slack as they turn to ash.

When he comes to, there’s a wet patch on his stomach, and Ren’s towering above him, stroking himself to orgasm and spilling with taut muscles and rigid spine, adding to the mess Goro made.

Neither of them speak as Ren pulls a towel from nowhere to wipe Goro down. All they do is curl up together on the bed to exchange lazy kisses and dainty touches.

“Sorry,” Goro says, whispering quiet so that the moment doesn’t shatter beneath them.

Ren responds in kind, “What for?”

“I meant to be a more… active participant in that.”

“Hey,” Ren’s hand comes up to cup his cheek, “it’s okay. It was good.”

Goro finds himself preening at the praise, pressing a shy kiss to Ren’s lips, before he snuggles in and tucks his head beneath Ren’s neck.

Neither of them want the moment to be over.

They deserve it. To wring the moment dry of all the peace and love that it is worth.

Goro lifts their joined hands together, and presses a kiss to the back of Ren’s hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everyone say thank you mj for being the best gf in the world ... thank you mj :3


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